What's your story?

H

Henrik Holmberg

New member
Hello all!

This is one of these "staring down in the floor wondering what the hell you're doing with your life"-days of mine.

Here's my story:
I started off in animation and 3D when I was about 11 years old, as an intern on super small 3d studio of two people, working 99% in the corporate world. Something I enjoyed and wanted to work with one day (even after trying numerous other internships through the years) but was Highly discouraged by my parents. So I studied IT in upper secondary school, kinda keeping my doors open. But got so tired with technology during that time that I started to look more towards writing and film making. I studied journalism for a semester on university, dropped out pretty early on and then went to study some credits in 3D, CAD and web programming to make time go by, and I also started to work part time as a graphics artist. During this time I started to make a lot of contacts in the local music/film/cultural scene, which led on that when I started my 2nd bachelor - business/marketing. I was having so fun with making films that it also went really well, gaining me some scholarships and awards. So I dropped out from business as well and went to study TV production on one of our more prestigious schools in Sweden.

Which I hated as much as I loved it. It succeeded to spark an interest in my love for technology again. But I Hated it for killing creativity. After that I did my internship (which was part of the curriculum) mostly in a small production house doing corporate work. I really enjoyed it for a while, but the last two months were pain and agony. Upon graduation I started my own company and that's pretty much where I am now. 23 years old. Running a small business where I do jobs I think is fun. And sort of get by. The dream, yes?

Yes and no. While I highly enjoy the variation, and every part of the variation. I feel somewhat understimulated, and sort of want to be part of making something bigger. Doing longer, bigger projects, having a safer employment and not, as today, highly relying on my ability to "sell" my own projects to those willing to finance them. I've ran a nightclub, managed open air parties, hosted film screenings, I'm currently employed part time as a film teacher, been doing light shows/DMX programming as well as visuals for clubs. I've also been working in corporate films, mostly as gaffer or DP. Worked as TOM/Engineer on small 2-3 camera live productions. And project managing some stuff.

What I wanted to become? Art Director or editor on a creative company. Maybe working in 3D or compositing. Clearly I'm not currently on the right path. But that's also why I'm having one of those "staring down in the floor wondering what the hell you're doing with your life"-days of mine. I'm sort of thinking whether I should study more or work more. And if study: When? And no matter what I choose: Where? I don't really see my future in Sweden at all. And because I've had more industry experience than before I've also got more specified in what I want to do. Leaning more towards TD/TA than AD, maybe as a lighting artist in real time rendering (eg. games, VR or in whatever comes next). And I'm almost completely lacking interest in becoming a full time editor, even though that's what I'm essentially most experienced in to date.

Of course, you can't help me with that. But, instead I'd really like to hear your story! What you've accomplished and how you found yourself to where you're today. And if you're not satisfied where you are today, where do you want to be? I think there's so much prestige in this world and so many people think it's "pretentious" describing your way to where you are if you're not famous or something. But I don't. And I think it would be interesting to many more as well! Because most people in the creative industry seem to have gone one rocky road.

Maybe I will get inspired. Or maybe you will inspire someone else. Give it a go! :)
 
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I'm way older than you are. What good is that? Advice and life experience? I feel like I know a lot more, but feel much less sure that I should offer any advice to others - funny that way... when I was much younger, I knew much less but felt more sure that others would benefit from my advice, lol. So, rather than my life story, perhaps I might offer you a few thoughts, take it or leave it. My feeling is that we listen to advice too much. Sometimes the advice was wrong for me, and when it was right, I couldn't fully understand it, even when I took that advice. So here's some random thoughts, and why I'm not all like "zomg, totally take my advice, I have ze experiencezzz"... just pick whatever you think is useful. First, you have to have passion for what you want to do. I heard that myself, over and over again, but never fully understood it, until much, much later (and older than you are now). Just follow what you find most interesting. Because - here's the unpleasant part of life: most people, the vast majority have zero real passion for any particular thing. Are you sure you do? Because here's the deal - if you have no passion, it is easy to just fall into something because it seems kinda enjoyable and find 20 years later, that it's turned into a job, a job like any other, just making money to pay the bills, no great satisfaction. Truth is, passion is rare.

When you have a passion for something... you don't have to ask. If you want to direct and have a passion for it - or act - or write - or edit - or juggle - or program - or design - or... whatever - it will grip you, and you will know. Just know: "this is what I want to do, more than anything else, and I'm not even thinking about anything else". People will tell you - well-meaning people, your parents, teachers and friends "don't try to become an actor (director, singer, entertainer etc.), it's too unstable and there's too much luck involved" - but you won't care, because you have the passion that says to you "I can't not direct, act, sing, whatnot". Yes, even if the odds are 1:1000, and I won't make a living, I still want to do it. Because unfortunately, those people are right, in a way. It's hard to make a living doing those things, and odds are much, much against you. How many successful directors are there in Sweden, and how many successful electrical engineers? You see the odds? Exactly. Odds are against you. And that's the test - because if you have passion, you say "I DON'T CARE if I don't make a living". You write, and you direct shorts or whatever small things you can finance yourself, because you love doing it, and that's a reward in itself. You don't do it "to make a living", because if you plan on getting rich or making a living off of it, you will get discouraged when nothing happens as a result of all your efforts (remember the odds!) - you have nothing to show for it... but if you enjoy it, just doing so already is a reward, so you do have something to show for it!

Do you have the passion?

If you do... why are you asking these strange questions? "OldCorpse - go die in a fire, you terrible old guy, how can you say such a thing!" But no harm is done by my saying: "if you have the passion, you won't ask these questions"; the reason is simple: if you do have the passion, nothing I say is going to discourage you - that's what having a passion means, it's a compulsion and nobody can stop you! So no harm done. And if you don't have the passion, then my remark can only be helpful, because you won't waste time on something that does not have your passion, and wake up 20 years later feeling "I wasted my life on something I didn't really care about". Win-win, either way! So:

If you have the passion, you will know what you want do: IT, 3D, writing, art direction, directing - you tried it... and? No passion? Guess what - that means... .... .... NO PASSION FOR THOSE! Otherwise you'd, you know, have passion for them and not ask any questions here!

OK, second piece of advice. This is in case you do have passion for a creative field - I'll pick the example of directing and writing. The advice: find your voice. Here is what I was alluding to before, when I said that I didn't fully understand the advice, even when I took it. I sort of heard "find your voice", but didn't fully understand it until much, much (much!) later. I thought I understood it, and I thought I took that advice... but I didn't really understand it. It means, really, truly, follow your interest, and use your judgement. Instead, people don't trust their own judgment, they don't use their own ears and eyes, and listen to the opinions of others and judgments of others. And dvxuser is a perfect example of how not to do it. You will constantly read here "that's not how it's done", or "this is how you're supposed to do it" - and rules about writing (or shooting, or lighting etc.), really anything, dialogue, or subject matter, or whatnot. And it's ALL BS. When you see someone try to tell you this rule or that rule - immediately know, it's BS. Because if it doesn't ignite your passion, it's worthless. Read my thoughts about John Waters' "Multiple Maniacs" in the Film Discussion section below - he made that film (and others) only because he didn't listen to people tell him about "rules", instead he followed what he found interesting, funny, fun, enjoyable, satisfying. I tried to make the "HE" as strong as possible (underline, italicize, bold!). Because it was his voice. That's what made it great. If he tried to follow the advice - well-meaning advice! - as people often give on dvxuser - he'd have made a pale copy of someone else's ideas. It would have failed miserably. But he followed his own ideas, and his own experiments, and his own efforts, and turned out a fantastic film and a unique career. You see - the radical listening to yourself, is what I didn't understand. I thought "ok, my own ideas", but within a framework of "how it's done" - so you open a film like this, and you don't do that, and and and and... and it was all wrong! From the very start, you must listen to yourself! "I don't care how you start a movie, this is what I want to see!" You must find your own voice. And that means truly listening to yourself, daring to trust yourself - much more than I trusted myself... I should not have listened to the judgment of others as much as I did, I should NOT have listened as much to my "elders and betters". I thought I was pretty self-assured and self-reliant... but I clearly as not. I listened to the advice of others too much. Not because their advice was wrong "in principle", but simply "wrong for me". I was simply not radical enough. My mistake. Don't make the same one I did - trust yourself over anyone else.

Now, there are three big caveats to "my way or the highway". Caveat one: "my way!" does not always mean "best way", or "good way" or "effective way" - it can mean "fail!" "big mistake" "stupid", "bad", "terrible". But you will learn! You now know "ok, I thought that was an interesting effect, but guess what, once I shot it, it was a terrible effect!". You will learn from that like nothing else. And one day, after experimenting, you'll make something that will be both (1) your way and (2) good. Now you're on your way to finding your voice! Second caveat: who are you? If you are (1) talented (2) have good artistic taste/judgment - your voice will be a success. If you have no/little talent, and no/little artistic judgment and taste, your voice will be a failure with the public. Nothing you can do about that - you either have it or you don't, you can't control it. But at least it is your voice. Not a pale copy of someone else, which immediately precludes any real success. So the first condition of creative success is: your voice. You will make mistakes - but they will be your mistakes, and you'll do better next time! You'll grow. Third caveat: be careful with the advice from others, know what to take and what to reject - take, gingerly, the advice in purely technical matters (and I really mean purely)... like "this is not enough light to expose properly with this camera" etc. - but reject the artistic advice from others "this is good, that is bad". If it's good according to your ears, eyes and judgment, go with that - you'll be wrong some of the time, but you'll learn. Otherwise, you'll only learn somebody else's vision, badly.

That's what I believe to be true based upon my life experience. Take from it what you want - if anything. I hope it can be helpful to you! Best of luck :)
 
I would much have preferred a story. I think that missed the mark, not to be disrespectful. It's more interesting with stories than actual advice or lessons. Because I've heard all those, but I haven't heard your story :).

Stories are unique to ourselves - when it becomes advice, it's usually because the story were similar for a lot of people, so it becomes the norm and that's how you "should" do. But then there's a lot of unlikely stories as well. Or simply those "off" from the norm.

Also. I don't think you'll ever find your "true" voice, as that's something you keep developing during your entire life. But I see where your reply comes from, even though it could as well be cited from a book. Your assumption is that I am in a position where I am not, probably because of my age. But there were no questions, only asked for stories. For inspiration and motivation in doing what I do. That, I truly believe that all of us need in one way or the other, and it would be interesting to hear the story of "common" film people as well, and not only those famous enough for people to want to hear about them.

Another assumption you make is that you can't be passionate about more than one thing. I want to do it all. Because my passion is creating, not bound to any specific craft. I don't believe our passion is bound to a specific craft either. Because this energy within us was created long before social structures and our current perception of society and what lies within it. I love 3D, I want to do it more than I have time for. I love programming DMX light shows. I love art direction. I know that I don't love directing, IT and well... most things in life. But creating with technology - doesn't matter what, that's my passion. It's not so much about the craft itself, rather - what you make of it.

I don't believe you can be passionate about directing for example, but you can be passionate in directing horror movies. And that same person may as well have been more than happy to edit those, rather than directing, say corporate films. So I don't really see things as black and white. I wasn't meant to ellaborate this much on this, I'm sure you mean well!

But again, inspiration is what I'm looking for. Not guidance! :) And that's why I started this topic. To share our stories to each other, not to specifically help me out.

All the best,
 
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Here's mine. Not terribly interesting: in school I majored in communications/RTF, after figuring "Hey people have jobs at tv stations and stuff, gotta be better than the generic libera arts/fine arts major I otherwise would have gotten."

Had some interest in graphic design and took some classes in that as well. A guy at a tv station I used to work at (in the operations dept, not a creative position at all) after I applied for positions in both the graphic arts and video production departments, told me that employees really like to see that you are really just focused on one thing and not a bunch of different areas. I realize now thats dumb but didnt at the time, so chose to focus on video production at the time figuring that the most boring/lame thing I could do in video (which i thought was weddings back then) was better than the most boring thing I could do as a grapic artist (quarterlt reports for oil companies or something).

For a few years I did some freelance while hoping to land a staff job at a production company, figuring I'd do that as my day job while making short films on the side for giggles. At some point I realized I got much more fulfillment out of the personal projects than I did my paid work and backed off the production company thing figuring out I'd never have the time or energy to do my own stuff if I was busting my ass at a production company. Did more freelance and got more intense about my short films.

A few years ago I got kind of fed up with the short film cycle, that is, spending months to a couple years (in one case) working on these projects and then putting them out there in the world only to have virtually no one (even people I actually knew) give a crap. During the years my love of the video production field also has worn off a lot (I really quite hate doing all forms of post production, and am not super into much of the field stuff, though i still like (NOT LOVE) shooting.

i also rediscovered music a few years ago...played guitar for 20+ years but only was ever in one band back in high school. started a comedy rock band with a college friend (who was also a filmmaking buddy) and we've been at it since 2014, trying to make the act bigger and bigger as we've gone along.

also got into long form improv around the same time though not nearly as involved in that scene, though I'm trying. would like to get back into short filmmaking but focusing on things that can be finished much more quickly than what I used to do.

generally sort of exist right now without any clear long term goals or extreme passions.
 
Josh Bass said:
Here's mine. Not terribly interesting: in school I majored in communications/RTF, after figuring "Hey people have jobs at tv stations and stuff, gotta be better than the generic libera arts/fine arts major I otherwise would have gotten."

Had some interest in graphic design and took some classes in that as well. A guy at a tv station I used to work at (in the operations dept, not a creative position at all) after I applied for positions in both the graphic arts and video production departments, told me that employees really like to see that you are really just focused on one thing and not a bunch of different areas. I realize now thats dumb but didnt at the time, so chose to focus on video production at the time figuring that the most boring/lame thing I could do in video (which i thought was weddings back then) was better than the most boring thing I could do as a grapic artist (quarterlt reports for oil companies or something).

For a few years I did some freelance while hoping to land a staff job at a production company, figuring I'd do that as my day job while making short films on the side for giggles. At some point I realized I got much more fulfillment out of the personal projects than I did my paid work and backed off the production company thing figuring out I'd never have the time or energy to do my own stuff if I was busting my ass at a production company. Did more freelance and got more intense about my short films.

A few years ago I got kind of fed up with the short film cycle, that is, spending months to a couple years (in one case) working on these projects and then putting them out there in the world only to have virtually no one (even people I actually knew) give a crap. During the years my love of the video production field also has worn off a lot (I really quite hate doing all forms of post production, and am not super into much of the field stuff, though i still like (NOT LOVE) shooting.

i also rediscovered music a few years ago...played guitar for 20+ years but only was ever in one band back in high school. started a comedy rock band with a college friend (who was also a filmmaking buddy) and we've been at it since 2014, trying to make the act bigger and bigger as we've gone along.

also got into long form improv around the same time though not nearly as involved in that scene, though I'm trying. would like to get back into short filmmaking but focusing on things that can be finished much more quickly than what I used to do.

generally sort of exist right now without any clear long term goals or extreme passions.
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Glas to hear your story. Taking a step back to realize where you're headed.

Context is very important, is what I've realized with time. Creating stuff that I don't want to create is (almost) as unappealing to me as doing any job, unless I can develop my (tecnical) skills somehow by doing it. But that's why I live the way I do now, raising funds for simply doing what I find fulfilling. However I don't see a lot of future in that. It's good now. But I don't think it will be in a year or two, so I'm trying to figure my next step.

There's nothing bad with being contempt with your existence (if that's what you are), in my point of view. Life isn't one clear path. And with one foot in music and another in film, what I've basically "ended up" doing these last years are in many cases combining the two. And they fuel each other as well, as I constantly bring in ideas and concepts from the world of music to film (which remains far behind in many aspects). Even though I'm not sure exactly in what direction I'm headed, whether I should further develop my skills in conceptualization and ideas - or technology, still remains unclear.
 
Yeah. Got an uncle who was in his mid 40s before he found his "path" or whatever. . .maybe I'm one of those (sigh). I have scored a number of my short films so I did combine them. Right now they're, to me, two separate aspects of my life. Although I've had an idea for a while now about series of shorts/sketches/web series where me and my band buddy (there's only the two of us in the band) play fictionalized versions of ourselves and have hijinks.
 
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