What do you guys think?

I was asking if you guys got the joke in the sketch and I guess you answered that. I didn't think it was coming across and I guess I was right. This was a question about editing. Sorry for the confusion.
 
Sorry. I kinda think I know what you were going for, but it didn't really work.

I thought the victim was going to have taken out the bullets when the shooter wasn't looking- trying to test him.
 
so, the shooter was just trying to scare the guy? yeah i got it. but its just not that funny or shocking. i dont know that its a matter of editing - but like was said above. one of writing and possibly shooting/performance.
 
There was a shooter trying to scare a guy???

This is the best freakin board in the world BTW, show us your script and we will help you!!!

It's rough here but you get one heck of an education :)

Hang in there.
 
i think what you may have been shooting for was a reservoir dogs meets jack in the box commercial. and the problem is there isnt enough homage paid to either to clearly convey that.

what would have made the transition and the joke better is if there had been a last close-up shot before going to black where the "victim" looked down at his chest then looks back up kind of surprised. then when you cut to the shot of them in the car the point is driven home a bit better. the first time i saw this. i didnt get what was going on...

i also think that opening shot of just their legs is a really out of place sytlistically. it makes things feel more like a dockers commercial at that point. i think also that having the SFX of the car pulling to a stop BEFORE the "65dollar..." title kills the set-up. there is too much time between the sound and the image. if you show that title in silence. then stay in black for the start of the SFX then cut/fade in the car pulling up, you might establish a better rhythm.

here is my suggestion on how to fix it with what youve got:
cut to black sooner, just after the last gun click. then take out a second (or two) of the black (as it is now, its too long and the viewer disconnects from the narrative) and the car door slams sound fake - which may be a symptom of youtube compression. and thus you dont clearly convey that they are getting back into the car. id try to find a bit "boomier" car door sounds. and they are also too close to each other in succession - you dont fully get that there are TWO doors being closed. all you hear are twoo "clicks". id put about a half a sec of gap between them.
 
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i totally disagree. its not so much "funny" as it is kinda sick and darkly twisted in kind of a clockwork orange meets office space kinda way. it all depends on who the audience is and where its to be viewed.
 
I agree with lonearcherfilms. The joke didn't work and there's nothing I can do to save the sketch. It's time to cut my losses and move on. Sometimes they work and sometimes they don't. Whatever, on the the next one. Thanks again guys.
 
WAIT - the original poster is wussing out and admitting defeat?!??!!

if i get some free time soon, im going to shoot this scene myself to prove it can be pulled off...
 
The original concept for the scene was this - Two mafia guys pull off on a deserted road. One guy is low status the other is high. The high status guy leads the other into the woods where upon he pulls a gun o the low status guy. The low status guy begs for his life but can eventually see that he's "****ed". He closes his eyes and waits for the inevitable. We hear a shot in blackness, then another two, then another three. Still in blackness we here fumbling around. The low status guy opens his eyes to see the high status guy reloading, he sees bullet holes all around him. The high status guy now reloaded aims the gun at low status. This time we see that high status is a terrible shot and can't hit anything. He runs out of bullets again. There's an awkward beat, then we cut back to the car where the high status says "Promise you won't do it again?" Thus becoming the low status. It's classic status switch but we only had one of the actors for a very short time and we rushed it and the sketch suffered. I think the joke is funny enough and we're defenatly going to shoot it agian in the spring/summer. When we do pretend like you guys don't know the punch line okay?

Brad
 
Brad,

I actually "got it" and thought it was funny. I guess I like odd humor like that. Speed it up a little in editing and then move on to your next project.

Also, if this is your type of humor, then I think you'll dig a new short film that I'm working on called "Norm The All-American Man" and subtitled "Norm Finds His Dream Job." The latter, about find his dream job, is the short film which is derived from a feature-length script that my friend wrote. This short version will be sort of a "proof-of-concept" for his feature-length version. The film is told in the vein of a 1950's PSA spot and contains lots and lots of truly tasteless humor.
 
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