Valor

preston said:
like at the end of TRUE ROMANCE where CLARENCE and ALABAMA somehow escape the mad shootout and get away with all the cash... :grin:
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That is one of my all-time favorite movies ever. I was inspired by it for this script actually, as well as Pulp Fiction, Falling Down, etc.

Also, many of the crazy situations were based on real life experiences I have had that I thought belong in a movie.

Even though I want him to escape, the current ending was based on the story of how Richard Ramirez, the nightstalker serial killer, was finally captured. People recognized him on the front page of a newspaper, chased him, and beat the crap out of him. I love that.
 
CallaghanFilms said:
I must say that I dig your eccentric style. You also seem to have a strong grasp on pacing.

This was fun to read and would be equally fun to watch.


***SPOILER ALERT***

Throughout, I got a is-he-crazy-or-does-crazy-shi*-really-happen-to-him vibe which I got caught up in.

Favorite Line:
"Yeah, he very bad man. He evil."
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I forgot to add one thought I had while reading Valor...
LINK
 
Feet hit pavement and a chain link fence rattles. Through the fence is a large institutional-type building with a sign out front that reads "St. Bart’s Mental Health Facility". The fence-jumper, NICK VALOR, stands and looks around quickly.

*I had to read this a few times to figure out which side of the fence Valor landed on. The following dialogue cleared it up.

*I think feet hitting the pavement is a great way to open a film. I’d be in it right away.

Maybe …

Feet hit pavement next to a rattling chain link fence. Beyond the fence is an institutional building. A sign reads ‘ST. BART’S MENTAL HEALTH FACLITIY’. NICK VALOR, the fence jumper, scans left and right.

This …

He walks down the street, trying to be casual. THREE
HOMELESS MEN stand in a circle having a conversation. One of the men has the hiccups.

*No need to mention they are having a conversation, as the dialogue will show that.

Like the homeless dialogue. Feels authentic.

Page 2, This …

He picks up a cell phone off the passenger seat and dials
while driving.

*Need to add an INT. CAR slug here.

Page 3

*Here too on the INT. CAR slug

Ronnie gets in the car, but she pouts and won’t look at him.

Page 4, This …

RONNIE
I’ll be right back. I’m going to
take my pretty little head to the
pretty little girl’s room.

*Great dialogue.

This …

He goes off and leaves his wife behind, and she speaks in
perfect English.

*Very funny. Love the shouting thinking somehow she’ll understand.

Page 5, This …
She vomits on the sidewalk. Ronnie gets
out of the car, too.

*About here you need an EXT. CAR slug. Reading ahead I see a few more INT/EXT car action that should be clarified.

*So far Ronnie is a very likeable character.

Page 6, This …

He lays down on the bed holding the gun and falls asleep
with the television on.

Maybe add an empty box of donuts.

Bottom of page 8

*Big chunk of dialogue needs to get broken up. It’s a great sequence, so break it into it’s action sequences. First break can come after ‘he walks down the boardwalk’, and the second after ‘with hatred in their eyes.’.

That will give you three smaller blocks to make this read easier.

*****************
Very well-paced script. Characters are clearly defined, which always makes a read pleasant.

Valor seems like a guy perpetually in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Not 100% clear what Valor’s goal was other than to escape. It’s rare to see a story where the Protag doesn’t get what they wanted, and in truth I wish there were more. When it works well, it’s just as valid as the cliché ‘protag always wins’. I think this one works well.

Ronnie was a good character. MAybe add her at the end watching the broadcast.

Splendid job.

a
 
I really loved this script. The dialogue was fantastic, and the characters were all really believable. Like Alex said, you could do with breaking up your action paragraphs a little, especially at the bottom of page 9. I also had to read the opening a couple of times to work out which side of the fence he had landed on.

The only real criticism I have, and it's very small, is his opening line - "Well that was easy..." Why is he talking to himself? I know he has just escaped from a mental institution, but I got the impression from the rest of the script that he's not mental, he's just a 'wrong time, wrong place' kinda guy, and ended up where he didn't belong. Perhaps take out the line and replace it with an action paragraph, something along the lines of "He looks up at the fence and at the building behind it. He seems confused. It was too easy"

Really fantastic story though, one of the best I've read so far
 
alex-
you are, of course, correct about the int./ext. car slugs. i never even thought about that, but i will add them if i make this a longer script. i also agree about the action scene at the end. it could use more dialogue to break it up.

the scene with the red-faced man and his wife was actually based on a real-life situation that happened to me. a man really did introduce his asian wife to me by saying, "i didn't order her online or nothin'. i went over there and got her." he also yelled when speaking to her and she seemed to speak english perfectly well when he left the room. i always thought it should be in a script. glad you caught the humor of the situation.

thank you for the review. i'm happy you liked it. :beer:
 
heather-
thanks for reading and for the positive review. i appreciate it.

valor definitely talks to himself. he talked to himself later in the hotel scene as well. i ended up cutting out a few more scenes where he would have talked to himself and leaving them in might not have made the first time seem inconsistent with the rest of the script. he's not really insane... but he is a little odd. i was thinking almost along the lines of captain jack sparrow... but not quite. :)

i am so far behind on my comments, but i did read your script and i will comment soon. thanks again.
 
jamiejay said:
why am i not surprised? :tongue:
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writer's curse, i guess.... :Drogar-Evil(DBG):

hey, i just read VALOR again and i gotta say- it's hilarious. great dialog from great characters in a great story. i really want to see this produced for one of the DVX film fests...
 
but did your purse talk back to you? :p

i think i should change my tagline to "crazy people and whores are in denial." what do you think? ;)
 
Oh man, that was a hoot! Poor Valor, talk about having a bad day.

I loved this line: "Sea gull feathers, powdered donuts, and fists all go flying in one giant cluster f**k" LMAO!

Good work!
 
I was reading the thread and saw True Romance come up. One of my all time favorites.
I promptly went back and read your script again. I liked even more on the second read.
I'm just really impressed with the dialogue and love the relationship between Ronnie and Valor.
 
Again, thank you, conlan.

I appreciate you taking the time to read my script again, and I'm glad the second time was even better. I really respect your opinion, and it's good to know you are a fellow True Romance fan. ;)
 
Wonderful - original, well written, well paced, great dialogue, really funny. I loved the homeless men's dialogue about hiccups/whiskey being contagious and then how you picked up on this again at the end. I do think though that it might be a good idea to try writing that alternative ending where he gets off scott free - I can see that fitting in very well. Thanks for a truly entertaining read.
Jason
 
thank you, horncastle. i appreciate the review. i'm really torn here because i kind of like the idea of the cluster f*** ending, but i do think it fitting that valor somehow escape scott free. hmm... i'll see what i can do. ;)
 
Jamie, I was thinking about the ending a bit. If you chose to go the route of Valor finding his way out of trouble again. The changes maybe could be minimalized.
You never want to lose a clusterf*** ;)

The hospital has a uniform guarding outside the door. A detective comes to talk to Valor, enters room, pulls back the curtain and Valor is gone.
Cut to the scene with the news braodcast and then maybe to Valor(arm,leg in cast, head bandaged) watching it on t.v from a bar or hotel somewhere, maybe listening to the newscast on radio, which he clicks off and rides into the sunset. Anyway just my two cents.
 
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