"Unnatural"

[FONT=&quot]right off the bat this comes across as very surreal and not the least bit rooted in reality. there are a lot of typos and a lot of passive voice which thankfully, can be corrected easily. the initial conversation between anna and jacob is really on-the-nose. read it out loud. it doesn’t click, doesn’t sound genuine. they both say exactly what they mean, exactly what they’re thinking. in real life, it’s usually our pauses, our silent replies or our diversionary speech that’s most telling. the fact that a bunch of cops are treating this literal monster like a common thug only adds to the crazy, almost comedic feel to this whole thing. there are some very interesting, very original visuals here, especially the man with a gorilla arm but I have no idea how you would film any of it without millions of dollars and frankly, nothing six minutes long warrants that kind of money. [/FONT]
 
Yes, Good visuals, can be imagened easily. A gorilla on an iron board? That's one strong iron board. The kid ending up under the bookcase seems a little too staged. He so careless as to accidently bury his kid under a bookcase but so determined to save her as to risk his life. Doesn't gel with me. Other than that I thought this was well written and a good concept. I enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing.
 
Yes, very surreal. Cutting your arm off is one thing. Surviving the blood loss after cutting through major arteries and stitching yourself up is something else entirely.

I loved the visual descriptions though. The story itself felt unfinished. Way too many unanswered questions.

Cheers,

Mike
 
Why was he doing this to himself? Was it to save someone else, or just to advance his own body?
The concept is a good idea, but I can't see anyone pulling something like that off themselves in a dirty apartment.

The scene at the end when he hands the daughter over is great. Truly heartbreaking. Good piece of writing there!
 
The concept is great, as well as the way it ends. However there was some of things that I struggled to picture visually or come to grips with in terms of the story. In the apartment I kept wondering how he took care of Molly as a baby. Looking back at it, you might not even need the first part of your script with Molly as a baby -- it doesn't add to the story as far as I can see. And at the end, when the cops start shooting while he has Molly in his arms, you lost me completely. I just couldn't believe they would shoot while he was holding the baby.

On the whole the whole juxtaposition between cute kid and the gross experiments seemed almost mixed genre, but kept me interested and, once again, great cinematic ending.
 
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You have some good ideas here. But why was he doing it? Its unclear in the script.

There are some unrealistic moments. Cutting off his own arm. Gorillas in an apartment. A lot of this could have been addressed by putting him in a futuristic laboratory. He might have some super advanced technology to pull off these experiments.

You created a lot of good visuals, especially after he has grafted/replaced the other parts. There is potential in the story and kept my interest and I wanted to keep reading to see what was going to happen next.
 
An interesting idea for a cool monster, this Frankenstein animal creature made by a man performing some weird surgery on himself was definitely an eye grabber. However, I have to agree and say a lot of elements are left unclear and confusing.
 
I like the idea of a man making himself into a monster, so to speak, piece by piece. I understood he was trying to find a way to save Molly's mom who was in a coma perhaps in the hospital and he was racing against time to solve the puzzle. The fact that he had access to gorillas for his experiments told me that he was a doctor or researcher, or at the very least a scientist, but I am banking on some sort of surgeon since he knew enough to amputate and reattach.

At any rate, what might make this a little more believable, or at least not take the reader out of being able to buy into it, is some mechanism that enables him to pull off these kinds of surgeries on himself. Maybe one of those breakthroughs where he thinks he is making some progress is in fact, the ability to heal at warp speed or maybe the human tissue will possibly "be hungry enough to be whole again" that it takes to even non-compatible tissues and mutates to accommodate. That could be cool. It open all kinds of possibilities.

Good job.
 
I'm really missing motivation here. Like Thartley, I get that's he's trying to save Molly's mom, but how do these actions bring him closer to that goal? Did the doctors come to him and say "I'm sorry, we can only save her by attaching a gorilla arm." I just didn't get the connection. If I had a connection I would have overlooked the implausibility of the script and really gone with it, but at the end, when I still had no reason for these experiments, you lost me.

Also, I don't think Molly's behavior is very realistic. Any kid that I know that heard massive amounts of screaming from the other room would investigate, not sit and color. I thought perhaps you were setting us up for a reveal on why Molly acted that way, but that never came either.

I'd really like to hear your underlaying thoughts on this story because you certainly have piqued my interest.
 
I got that he was doing all this to save his wife/Molly's mother, who apparently is on full life support in a hospital somewhere, but the references to grant money and the hospital going to "murder" his wife if he stopped paying threw me. I find it hard to believe, that in this day and age, where it takes a Supreme Court decision to "pull the plug" on a woman who most likely wanted it done, that any hospital would be allowed to do it to someone just because they were out of money. Also, if he's got grant money, why isn't he at least doing his early research in an actual labratory of some sort? I can understand why he wouldn't be able to do the later stuff, but just studying a gorilla's muscle tissue to see if it's resistant to a human disease sounds like valid scientific research to me...

On a personal note, I could never watch this movie. Even reading a couple of the descriptions freaked me out. :) This is why I never go to horror movies...
 
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