Totally off topic... need help, albeit moral support

G

greymog

Well-known member
Hey all, sorry to hit this place with a thread like this, but I literally have nowhere else to go with this one.

I've been working for years straight. Things are rough where I live, and every day is a hustle. I met the love of my life (seemingly a few years back) and we've been working to start a family.

I am not from the US or Europe, it is a process to travel, very lengthy, it's always something I've planned to do, but it takes time and I'm willing to be patient.

I need to hold my job and be very stable here in order to travel around freely, basically visit my fiancee and set up for us to have our kid.

She isn't from here, and isn't accustomed to this too much, however compared to the rest of the ppl here, I've managed to create pretty comfortable if not luxurious surroundings.

She left town because it's noisy and the internet isn't too good and it's basically not Canada or France.

My current job is the best I've had, very hard very taxing, I say best because of the stability and money. My previous job was a nightmare, and my ex boss was extorting me for a couple of years, holding my passport, preventing us from traveling and starting a family. I've gone out of my way lawyer to lawyer to fix it, to defend myself, but no law could protect me.

I basically had to pay the guy off with my savings to be able to get my ID back and have my life, see my mother who I haven't seen in two years.

I was about to travel to visit my fiancee, at this point, with all the frustration, my going abroad became the condition for us to continue. her passport allows her to go anywhere though, mine is probably the worst anyone can have.

I got a call that presented a complication, that caused my plans to be delayed.

Hearing this, my fiancee cut me off, decided to move on, saying love wasn't enough, and that she needed material security from me. I couldn't stomach this as I had been supporting us the whole time. I've gone through 5 flats none were good enough.

When I tell her I do my best, the answer I got was 'your best isn't good enough'.

I feel completely abandoned, lied to and betrayed. I have no friends in town, they all left years ago, and can't really show too much at work, it's all I got.

It's hard to sleep, the house is empty. I've been cut off from the person I've been making plans with for the rest of my life.

Everything reminds me of it. It is so painful thinking that she will move on, and have our plans with someone else, who can travel and has money.

It really hurts that no matter how hard I work, how much I love, that all that should matter is where I'm from.

It hurts that the person who sold you into starting a family for 3 years should ditch for these reasons... I'm so confused, hurt, and don't know what to do.

I had to cut, but I always hope she'll come round. I don't know what to do with life.

I never asked anyone to live here. It's everyone's plan to go. I really could've used the support, we could've done this together, but it's not comfortable for ppl who haven't lived here.

I've done everything I can only to wake up with that phrase, it isn't good enough.

I feel my chances of fatherhood are across the ocean now, and that where I'm from is not good enough or clean enough to make life.

It's killing me.

I'm sorry, but I have nowhere to write this. My family are far away, and old and don't know about my life. All I have the heart to do is take care and tell them things are fine. 2 70-yr old women.

I'm completely alone.

I don't know if I'm looking fro advice or supprt or whatever. I'm busting ass every day, and trying to take care of myself and keep moving.

I don't even know what I want to hear.

I sometimes want someone to smack me across the head

or someone to tell me that it really ain't right to say you love someone and want to start a family and leave them because of something like this...

or someone to say, no worries mate she'll come back

I feel like all I"ve done is totally pointless. Lost.

Hurts. We had names for the kids and tried and everything.

Again, sorry dvx, but the most talking outside work I've done is here for the past god knows how long...

tarek
 
it's good to talk - guys don't do it enough - nothing to be sorry about.

right now your world has stopped, at least it seems that way but outside the world is continuing as normal. I haven't get any answers for you but I know it will get easier. Tomorrow the sun will come up and you will go to work, you might feel like **** but keep going, keep your mind occupied and get through the day - the next day will be a little bit easier and so on.

you need friends, if you haven't got any then try to find some, if that's not possible where you are then find them online - we might be on the other side of the world but there are people you can talk to.

try not to dwell on what you feel you're lost, look outside yourself, keep busy, keep your mind occupied. you can get through this, just take it step by step, keep going, it will get easier.
 
thank you tired,

it's pretty tough to breathe. thank heavens it's monday, i have my deadlines under control at the very least.

I'm having a really hard time reconciling all this talk about 'i love you lets start a family' vs. just cutting it off based on a logistic.

If it were mutual I'd have an easier time accepting it.

I'll try not to dwell, but sometimes it wakes you up at night.

It'd be nice to keep this going, as things get lighter. I hope they do fast. This is unlike anything I've ever felt, and I've lost quite a bit of family at this point, not in my twenties anymore...

still feel like a foolish youth though.

t
 
Here in Chile this thing your boss did to you, holding your passport, is against the law. I don't know about other countries, but I am pretty shure it must be ilegal as well. Is exploit and also very inmoral.
About losing your lady, well, maybe wasn't your lady after all. You just are crossing a hard time, no more than that. This troubles doesn't withdraw any value from you, just the joy and just for now.
Also, I think if you are in this forum you must be a creative person. Try to write a fiction story, try to shoot a short vid or something like that. Doing this you will get satisfaction from your actions and rediscover your effectivity as a person.
Don't be ashamed, is just a hard time and will past
 
Thanks Roberto. It is not illegal here, it is how the labor law is. Super messed up, the last time this kind of thing happened to me I missed my dad's funeral. Just wasn't allowed to travel. It's a pretty big issue I have with living as a foreigner everywhere I go. I tried my hardest to do everything, but couldn't. I live in LEbanon, but in the gulf it's even worse apparently.

Ashamed is the right word to describe what I feel, or I feel robbed. It switches from day to day. Or, I'm ashamed because the woman who trusted I would move out and set up saw I didn't make ends meet, or I'm robbed because someone who loved me didn't stick with me in my hard time.

It just stings because it wasn't because of me that I couldn't make ends meet, and I beat that problem finally despite the odds and now things are moving on as I always planned, just no patience or understanding.

With every post this is a bit better to write about.

Thanks all

pls share if this means anything to anyone, or if anyone out there really bustsed their ass and was basically rejected as a result.
 
You see all those happy couples in countries where the circumstances are easier? Well, most of them have never really been tested by true hardship. If they are lucky, they don't have to face tests and extreme adversity, and live and die happy. But what if they are tested? Until it happens, you never know what the other person is made of. The other person themselves may not know what they are made of. You don't know what you are made of, until you have been tested. Maybe that great girl is great only when times are easy and happy, but she can't take hardship and falls apart and all promises are out the window.

Now comes the hard part. You must not feel bitter or bad toward the girl. Because it is not her fault that she is built this way. Maybe she was a great "happy easy times" person, but not "hard times happy"? Look, people are built differently. Some people are tall, some are short, some can lift 200 pounds and some cannot lift 20 pounds, some are strong, some are weak, some have blue eyes, some have brown eyes, some laugh easily, some don't laugh at all, some are naturally happy, some are naturally bitter. It's not their fault. Some have psychological strength to face hard times, and some are not. Your lady was not built to face the hardship she was asked to face. She just couldn't. Don't blame her. If you are building a house, you use the wood you need for the function it needs. Balsa wood is light, but weak. Oak is strong, but heavy. Use the oak for foundation of the house, and use the balsa to make a light fixture (Chinese lantern) around your light bulb. You wouldn't blame balsa for being weak, because it's how balsa is, and you wouldn't blame oak for being heavy because oak is naturally heavy. Your lady was naturally unable to face those difficulties. Be happy you found which is balsa and which is oak before you built your house - you don't want to use balsa for foundation and oak for Chinese lantern. Be happy you found out ahead of time that your lady cannot handle hard time - think how terrible it would be if you started a family and only then you both found out - you and she also found out - that she can't handle real hard times (hope you never face them!)... because now the family falls apart. At least you found out that your lady is naturally balsa before you built the house. It is sad, but necessary. You picked up a piece of wood and hoped it would do what you needed, but what you needed, this particular piece of wood could not do... you must use it differently, or forget it. It is not the fault of the wood. It is not the fault of your lady. It just didn't work out.

I know this never helps anyone at the moment, but it is 100% true: give it time. Bad times will pass. There are billions of people in the world. The hurt will pass (even if impossible to believe it today, when you hurt), and there are other women - millions and millions of them - better suited to you. If you are a fish, go find a fish. If you are a horse, go find a horse. If you are an eagle, go find an eagle. A fish will only be happy with the horse, while both of them are walking through the river, but as soon as the horse leaves the river, the fish will not be able to follow. It is not the fault of the horse, and it is not the fault of the fish. Find your woman. The one you lost, was not your woman for hard times, she was only good for the time you both spent in the river. Best of luck!
 
OldCorpse said:
Be happy you found out ahead of time that your lady cannot handle hard time - think how terrible it would be if you started a family and only then you both found out - you and she also found out - that she can't handle real hard times (hope you never face them!)... because now the family falls apart.
Click to expand...

This is good advice.

By the way you describe your fiancé, it doesn't sound like she can ever be content. You say you've lived in five different places, and none of them have satisfied her. What is she contributing? There are many more women out there, and this has not doomed you to not father children. Again, it sounds like you should be fortunate that times got hard -before- the children.

If things are over with this particular woman, I highly suggest you slow down a bit with your work and try to find some balance in your life before seeking another relationship. You need real life male friends and leisure time. Join a sports league, maybe, if you have those.

Last, I'd suggest you look into a "philosophy of life." What are your end goals? It sounds like you'd like to be a father. A father can't be so busy that he's stressed all the time. Your children will rather have a dad who is happy and can spend time with them than live in a slightly nicer home.

If you want a suggestion on a philosophy of life, I like Stoic philosophy, particularly the writings of Epictetus. I was reminded of him when you wrote that doing your best was not good enough. You cannot be mad at yourself for doing your best. Happiness is largely the result of your attitudes about events, not a direct result of events. If you are doing your best and the world hits you with hardship, you must accept this as fate. Anyway, you may not like the Stoics, but either way-- slow down, get your life in order, and then reassess your goals. Your external circumstances may not change drastically, but your attitude about them can. Good luck.
 
Be happy, VERY happy, that you did not have a child and futilely try to start a family with this woman.

Be busy, be productive, be creative.

Be healthy, take care of yourself.

Be aware- of when you're ready to open your heart and life to someone new. Don't close your heart forever.

She cared about herself, not you. Let it, and her, go (it's hard. I know). Look toward the future and make it the best you can there.
 
Looks like you've received some very good advice in the posts above.

I would only add don't despair. Emotions are part of the beauty of life but some situations, like being dumped by someone you love, can bring about intense emotions that *could* overpower reason - be careful. Take your focus off of yourself by spending time being of service to others.
 
Thank you all. I know this is what I need to hear. I can keep talking about the pain but It won't do much good after a while...

I don't know why I still want to though, can't stop thinking about it, I am waiting for it to pass.

It would be nice to make a total life change, but again, it all has to do with one hell of a procedure that takes time. I have to be tough through it and get out of here.

Thanks all.

Really.

Tarek
 
let her go, she didn't love you, she simply saw you as a provider and she probably had someone else on the side, not trying to be rough just honest.

Time to be selfish and focus on your own happiness, desires, goals, never change those things for a woman. A good woman will want to be with you and encourage and support your happiness.
 
I'm sorry for your situation, Tarek. No friends, no family, your girlfriend of several years just left. And the way she left was cold. That's not love. She may have been making sacrifices, but in the end, that's not what true love is. I guess I can only pray that your situation improves. Peace.
 
And remember Tarek: you are not alone. Is not very much, faceless interwebs, but we care. Hope you find joy right now, not large than life, but small joy, the kind of joy that comes from small actions, like walking in a fine place, eating a nice meal, doing something right. Small thing lead to bigger things
 
:) You guys are fantastic.

I'm working on the angry side. It will get better, and just trying immerse myself in work.

this thread made me giggle today Thanks Darren :)

Checking out that link... dunno what it is yet.

T
 
@tired: you guys are kick ass. I wish I lived in dvx. I tell every student I have to sign up here, not just to learn about photography but more to learn how to deal with people and to get over being scared to ask a question. It's really something else here. On the good days and the bad.
 
9-5 is great, but dammit, I miss shooting made up people doing made up stuff!

Screw it. They bought blackmagics at work. I'm checkin out the camera and the bounceboards and the mandarins on Friday. I'm doin somethin screw this.

This is dvx after all...
 
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