The Writer and The Written - by S. Aaron Brock

holymexicobatman

holymexicobatman

Well-known member
8 Pages

Logline: An Epic struggle of shame and the battle of burden.

This script is one in a series of six, traveling through four-thousand years of supernatural conflict, fear, and hate. This is my first knock at the concept. I hope you enjoy. I'm very grateful for any critisism I can get.
 
Say each Screenplay was 8pags long and there're 50 entries...basic math equals to 450pages!!!. Give it time. I've only read just under 10 so far.
 
I'm hesitant to give a lot of formatting advice, because I'm never sure I'm right :), but (especially at the beginning) you've got issues with "(V.O.)", which I believe should be on the same line as the character name, and parentheticals like "(softly)", which I believe should be on a line by themselves and indented somewhere between the lines of dialogue and the character names. For that matter, if all of Astoreth's opening dialogue is supposed to be soft, there's probably a better way to do it than a paranthetical every time. You've also got some issues with typos and confusion of things like "it's" and "its."

I wasn't sure if this was supposed to be Earth or another planet; if Earth, you might also mention where it's taking place, as a "14th century home" in, say, Japan is going to look a lot different from a "14th century home" in England. Also, if it's Earth, it'd be nice to have a little more historical context. Name-drop a little. :) Don't just say "the priests," throw an actual pope (or king, or some other historical personage that we might recall from history class) in there. Even if it's not Earth, this is your chance to do a little world-building, so give us a little more insight into the social/political/religious structure of your world than just "the priests."

I have to say that I didn't see an actual pursuit in here.

Finally, I'm just not sure that this works outside the context of your series. The opening voiceovers by two characters who never appear again might make sense if they appear elsewhere in this series, but here don't seem to do much. Maybe if they gave us some sort of wrapup at the end, or had a conversation with the demon who's been banished about how he failed (or both combined), they'd seem more connected. (And, again, even in the context of your series, if these two are recurring characters, I think there should be some commentary by them on the events that have just transpired.)
 
Captain Pierce said:
I'm hesitant to give a lot of formatting advice, because I'm never sure I'm right :), but (especially at the beginning) you've got issues with "(V.O.)", which I believe should be on the same line as the character name, and parentheticals like "(softly)", which I believe should be on a line by themselves and indented somewhere between the lines of dialogue and the character names. For that matter, if all of Astoreth's opening dialogue is supposed to be soft, there's probably a better way to do it than a paranthetical every time. You've also got some issues with typos and confusion of things like "it's" and "its."

I wasn't sure if this was supposed to be Earth or another planet; if Earth, you might also mention where it's taking place, as a "14th century home" in, say, Japan is going to look a lot different from a "14th century home" in England. Also, if it's Earth, it'd be nice to have a little more historical context. Name-drop a little. :) Don't just say "the priests," throw an actual pope (or king, or some other historical personage that we might recall from history class) in there. Even if it's not Earth, this is your chance to do a little world-building, so give us a little more insight into the social/political/religious structure of your world than just "the priests."

I have to say that I didn't see an actual pursuit in here.

Finally, I'm just not sure that this works outside the context of your series. The opening voiceovers by two characters who never appear again might make sense if they appear elsewhere in this series, but here don't seem to do much. Maybe if they gave us some sort of wrapup at the end, or had a conversation with the demon who's been banished about how he failed (or both combined), they'd seem more connected. (And, again, even in the context of your series, if these two are recurring characters, I think there should be some commentary by them on the events that have just transpired.)
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Thanks Captian Pierce! I must say I have quite a lot to learn still. But at any rate, I will say that the idea was that the woman/demon is in pursuit not only of the man's soul but his motivation and spirit as well. This is taking more of a metaphorical sense than most of the other scripts--which tend to be more literal.

Regarding the lack of info given...Much has to do with the fact that it is supposed to fit within a series(I suppose a bad choice on my part). Ill work on it though. Thanks very much!
 
I like some of the ideas you have going on here, I always like the God, demon, heaven and hell battles.

But like the Captain stated, It just doesn't quite come off as a cohesive piece. Which as noted is probably due to the fact that it is part of something bigger.
Also I echo the confusion that I wasn't sure where or when the story was taking place.

I liked the interaction of the Demon and the "man". You had some good descriptions as well.
 
The setup of the story feels like a science fiction piece, but the content of the script feels more fantasy. I'm not sure this is a problem. I just thought I'd share my thoughts while reading.

I think my big hangup is with the dialog. I know this is a different era, and the flowery, deliberate speech is part of the presentation, but I almost think the piece would be more powerful if the dialog was a touch more modern. Not like "Dude, you're translating" but just tone it down a notch. As it is I'm stumbling through the dialog to get to the meaning, and that's not good for your audience.

Your decription and design of the demons is pretty clever. I'd love to see them on the screen.

Interesting concept. I agree with the previous comments that it feels too much like a piece of a whole instead of being a stand-alone story.
 
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