The Vanishing

I liked the story Preston. It made me think of the movie Signs for some reason. Maybe it has the same kind of uneasy waiting to it. I really want to know what happens next to old blue eyes. But I think for a short film it works great the way it is. It leaves you feeling uneasy. And a little sad for us dog lovers.
 
Loved it! Definitely had the perfect mysterious tone that kept the reader on the edge of their seat wondering what the hell was going on. And I love how you leave us with the sense of impending doom. I like how you never follow any of the characters into the woods as they vanish so that we have no idea what is happening until we see the spaceship. Dialogue is always tricky and it can be hard to make it sound natural. Still, it wasn't a distraction for me. :)
 
Yes, it seemed a bit too familiar to me but I did enjoy it nonetheless.
I also have a feeling that everyone would have went directly into a quarantine unit. No way would they be allowed to mingle with the public/family, but that's probably being a little picky.

Nice work overall.

Cheers,

Mike
 
Michael Anthony Horrigan said:
I also have a feeling that everyone would have went directly into a quarantine unit. No way would they be allowed to mingle with the public/family
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They wouldn't think to put them directly into quarantine because they had no idea what happened to them. The space craft didn't show up until right before they came out of the woods so they wouldn't be thinking aliens. Also, they didn't expect them to come out of the woods and, when they did, people were just happy to see them.
 
jamiejay said:
They wouldn't think to put them directly into quarantine because they had no idea what happened to them. The space craft didn't show up until right before they came out of the woods so they wouldn't be thinking aliens. Also, they didn't expect them to come out of the woods and, when they did, people were just happy to see them.
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Like I said, I was being picky. I think enough happened beforehand with all the cops disappearing that something would have been set up around the perimeter and they wouldn't have been just allowed to walk out. Just my opinion and not a big deal really.
 
Just finished this one. I really like the dialog of the police chief; very realistic.

In all honesty, the story seems kinda average when you read it on paper. I think if you were to produce this, it would turn out much better. You have a better opportunity to create suspense and mood with this script on film.

If you're gonna show the dog becoming rabid, you might as well show the dad doing it too at the last second. Or just fade to black with the sounds of the dad changing, and everyone worrying about him and asking him what's wrong instead of the dog.

Good mystery though, and intriguing to read.
 
I have to second MiataFilmSomething on "In all honesty, the story seems kinda average when you read it on paper. I think if you were to produce this, it would turn out much better. You have a better opportunity to create suspense and mood with this script on film."

I think this would be a visually interesting short, but the script itself kinda taxed my imagination to make it interesting. There wasn't enough plot action for me to grasp onto when I read through it quickly the first time. Still liked it though, good work.
 
MiataFilmSomething said:
Just finished this one. I really like the dialog of the police chief; very realistic.

In all honesty, the story seems kinda average when you read it on paper. I think if you were to produce this, it would turn out much better. You have a better opportunity to create suspense and mood with this script on film.

If you're gonna show the dog becoming rabid, you might as well show the dad doing it too at the last second. Or just fade to black with the sounds of the dad changing, and everyone worrying about him and asking him what's wrong instead of the dog.

Good mystery though, and intriguing to read.
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thank you... you're the first to compliment the dialog, haha. i'll definitely be re-writing most of it, but maybe i can salvage the chief's lines.

i'm glad you like the story, thank you. i do think it's "average"/basic, especially for SCI-FI, but since i really don't have any writing experience, and this genre is one i usually avoid, i didn't want a dense, complicated storyline. i knew that for me, it would have been a disaster. so i tried to "keep it simple".

thanks for reading and for your comments.


ghalied said:
I have to second MiataFilmSomething on "In all honesty, the story seems kinda average when you read it on paper. I think if you were to produce this, it would turn out much better. You have a better opportunity to create suspense and mood with this script on film."

I think this would be a visually interesting short, but the script itself kinda taxed my imagination to make it interesting. There wasn't enough plot action for me to grasp onto when I read through it quickly the first time. Still liked it though, good work.
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and thank you as well. i know there are ways i can find to make a simple story more interesting, and i will try.. as for plot action, i was hoping to rely on suspense to drive the story, but i realized it was kind-of boring... and then i decided it would be fun to bring down one of those choppers!

thanks for reading...
 
Michael Anthony Horrigan said:
Yes, it seemed a bit too familiar to me but I did enjoy it nonetheless.
I also have a feeling that everyone would have went directly into a quarantine unit. No way would they be allowed to mingle with the public/family, but that's probably being a little picky.

Nice work overall.

Cheers,

Mike
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quarantine never crossed my mind... i'm glad you still enjoyed it though.

thanks Mike.
 
I thought this was very solid. I thought you did a really great job building the suspense and creating a mysterious event.

The dialogue was a little wooden in places, but dialogue is tough. I know it's something I still struggle with.

I was hoping for something a bit more unique than a spaceship and I thought you did elude to it with the eyes and the dog growling. So that saved it for me, gave something that seemed old hat a different twist. I think you wanted to leave it a little open ended and I'm fine with that. But I would've liked to have seen a hint more of the effects on Dad and the other people before the end.

I liked your description of the events and thought you wrote the action really well. I liked the helicopter going down silently. It upped the suspense of the events and the mystery around it.

Overall I thought it was a good script and I enjoyed reading it. For a first script it really shows a lot of potential.
 
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I like the old timey appeal to the script...it has a "twilight zone" essence to it..I can even see it in black and white.


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Nice touch at the end with the differences in their appearance...I would like to read more so I can find what they do now that they are back in in society with such obvious changes! Great job!
 
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conlanforever said:
I thought this was very solid. I thought you did a really great job building the suspense and creating a mysterious event.

The dialogue was a little wooden in places, but dialogue is tough. I know it's something I still struggle with.

I was hoping for something a bit more unique than a spaceship and I thought you did elude to it with the eyes and the dog growling. So that saved it for me, gave something that seemed old hat a different twist. I think you wanted to leave it a little open ended and I'm fine with that. But I would've liked to have seen a hint more of the effects on Dad and the other people before the end.

I liked your description of the events and thought you wrote the action really well. I liked the helicopter going down silently. It upped the suspense of the events and the mystery around it.

Overall I thought it was a good script and I enjoyed reading it. For a first script it really shows a lot of potential.
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wow, thanks. i was really expecting to get slammed for this script, but for the most part, the response has been surprisingly positive.

i tried to keep it simple, story-wise, but i still wanted to convey suspense and confusion as the over-all feel. of course, there's nothing like a little action thrown in to keep a story moving.

thanks for reading; i'm glad you liked it. :dankk2:
 
Oh man, leavin me with a hanger like that for an ending, subtle but effective ... and very unfair.

Good job with the script.
 
Oh I like these sorts of stories. It had a very Dean Koontz feel to it, for anyone familiar with his books. I liked the dog being in it. Humans will always have an element of deceptiveness in their nature, but a dog just cuts to the chase. :)

And now I am afraid of David Bowie and some huskies as well.

Good story and nicely played at the end.
 
MrKilloran said:
Oh man, leavin me with a hanger like that for an ending, subtle but effective ... and very unfair.

Good job with the script.
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thanks; glad you liked it.


thartley said:
Oh I like these sorts of stories. It had a very Dean Koontz feel to it, for anyone familiar with his books. I liked the dog being in it. Humans will always have an element of deceptiveness in their nature, but a dog just cuts to the chase. :)

And now I am afraid of David Bowie and some huskies as well.

Good story and nicely played at the end.
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oh my god, you're right!

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i didn't know that about him. that is so cool...

thanks for reading, i'm glad you enjoyed the story. :dankk2:
 
I thought this was a solid mystery/suspense piece with a nice sci-fi twist at the end. The chopper disappearing is a nice touch.

Overall, I agree with the comments on the dialog being somewhat unrealistic, but I do like the way you avoided giving the characters names that wouldn't be used anyway. The boy's Dad, for example, is only going to be referred to as "Dad" by the boy, so he doesn't really need a name. I thought that was a nice touch.
 
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