The Vanishing

preston

preston

Well-known member
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"A dark secret lies just beyond the edge of the woods."
 
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hey thanks guys... i'm all for "DVX PosterFest"... haha

i'm looking forward to reading a bunch of cool scripts very soon!
 
Script review

Script review

Hey Preston, enjoyed the read.




SPOILERS






TECHIE STUFF​



This ...

Complete silence from the woods as the boy continues to call
his dog in vain.

You never mention BOY goes into the woods. I assume he did?

Well now this is odd – the only one with a proper name in the whole the script is the dog! How long has this been going on?

This ...

The garage door is open and a man, the boy’s DAD,

We don’t know the relationship of these two. Maybe just DAD will suffice.

This ...

The dad gets up

Since you have chosen Dad as this character’s name, then just say Dad without ‘the’. You wouldn’t say The Bruce or The Mary, so don’t say The dad.

Page 2

This ...

BOY
Uh-uh. I don’t hear anything. Dad,
where is he?

Reading ahead, you’re kinda going way overkill on ‘Dad’ in dialogue. Lose a few.

Page 3

This ...

OFFICER
What are we going to do, chief?

Same deal with chief. It just doesn’t feel natural.

This ...

(headset filter effect)

Just kinda floating there. Shouldn’t it be with dialogue?

This ...

PILOT
We gotta get these news birds outta
here before they kill somebody.


Make a quick action line reference what they are talking about, like they see five choppers hovering nearby or something. I realize there is a ref earlier, but just remind your reader. Be kind – remind!!

Page 4

This exchange ...

COP
I can’t see anything, the trees are
too thick. Get me a little lower.

PILOT
I can’t go much lower with all
these trees, it’s not safe.

COP
A little closer. I think there’s
something down there, under the
trees.

Trees, trees, trees. I think you can lose the second and third.

Page 5

This ...

The boy begins to cry and buries his head in his hands. The
crowd is silenced by a faint, low-pitched ......

The boy’s action needs to be separate from the rest. They are not directly related.

Page 6

This ...

OFFICER
Chief? Chief, what just happened?
What was that?

Is this officer really stupid or something? All his lines are the same ‘what was that ..’

This ...

just awoken from a coma ...

I think ‘woken’ somehow feels better here. Saves a syllable.

STORY​

Well, I was expecting a creature, and was surprised by the spaceship. I like the payoff at the end, but wouldn’t somebody notice the eyes, like the Mom? Wives notice everything, even from 30 yards out - or it too late? We’re doomed?

Solid story. Just lose all the dad and chief stuff to lighten up the read.
 
The Vanishing: this is a very cool and creepy concept that I think is hampered by the dialogue which leans to melodramatic end of the spectrum. the conversation between the boy and his dad, and the police all seem like 50’s tv dialog. There isn’t a trace of subtlety to it which makes the whole thing seem sort of funny when it should be terrifying. strive for more understatement. less is almost always more with screenwriting.



this would also be very expensive to produce. i think that if you were to take some of the more outlandish effects out and think up cheaper alternatives, you might be surprised to find your script revised for the better, not to mention actually becoming viable for someone to direct.
 
Ian Arroway said:
The Vanishing: this is a very cool and creepy concept that I think is hampered by the dialogue which leans to melodramatic end of the spectrum. the conversation between the boy and his dad, and the police all seem like 50’s tv dialog. There isn’t a trace of subtlety to it which makes the whole thing seem sort of funny when it should be terrifying. strive for more understatement. less is almost always more with screenwriting.
Click to expand...

thank you for reading and for your review. i know what you mean about the dialog; it's definitely something i need to work on. this is my first script, other than a few pages of dialog for my dramafest entry. this is exactly why i participated in this fest, to practice writing and to get feedback on how to make it better. thanks again!


Ian Arroway said:
this would also be very expensive to produce. i think that if you were to take some of the more outlandish effects out and think up cheaper alternatives, you might be surprised to find your script revised for the better, not to mention actually becoming viable for someone to direct.
Click to expand...

why does it have to be viable to direct? who cares how expensive it would be to produce? this is scriptfest, not to mention SCI-FI genre. nobody said we had to "watch the budget".
 
preston said:
why does it have to be viable to direct? who cares how expensive it would be to produce? this is scriptfest, not to mention SCI-FI genre. nobody said we had to "watch the budget".
Click to expand...

you're correct that budget has no bearing on the contest (although i think it should as it's much easier to rely on effects than come up with something both interesting and cheap) however, writing a short script that's impossible to film is like crafting a recipe with ingredients you can't procure. even if you're new to screenwriting and just trying to get your feet wet why not do something that actually has the potential to be made?
 
I don't see where the big cost issue is. Most if not all the effects, including the helicopters in the sky, can be created digitally.

One can probably find a crop duster willing to go up for a few bucks to get some live footage inside a chopper, and a few bird's-eye-views.

Alex
 
alex whitmer said:
complete silence from the woods as the boy continues to call
his dog in vain.

you never mention boy goes into the woods. I assume he did?
Click to expand...

no, the boy does not go into the woods, only the dog here. if it's not clear, i'll try to figure out how to fix it. any suggestions?

alex whitmer said:
well now this is odd – the only one with a proper name in the whole the script is the dog! How long has this been going on?
Click to expand...

yeah, i thought it was kind of clever to only name the dog properly, mainly because people often use titles when talking to each other, instead of using actual names. like kids do when they talk to parents...


alex whitmer said:
well, i was expecting a creature, and was surprised by the spaceship. I like the payoff at the end, but wouldn’t somebody notice the eyes, like the mom? Wives notice everything, even from 30 yards out - or it too late? We’re doomed?

solid story. Just lose all the dad and chief stuff to lighten up the read.
Click to expand...

you're right, the wife would notice immediately that something was different about her husband. point taken. i'll give the daughter's line to the wife instead.

i'm glad you liked the story, and thank you for all the tech notes. i'll apply them in a re-write.
 
Ian Arroway said:
you're correct that budget has no bearing on the contest (although i think it should as it's much easier to rely on effects than come up with something both interesting and cheap) however, writing a short script that's impossible to film is like crafting a recipe with ingredients you can't procure. even if you're new to screenwriting and just trying to get your feet wet why not do something that actually has the potential to be made?
Click to expand...

i have no intention of shooting this film, so why would i write for my budget and skill level? that's not what this fest is about - it's about the writing.

i don't think my script relies on effects to make it interesting. lose the whole chopper scene and it doesn't take away from the story one bit.

not to sound argumentative, but i happen to have access to a helicopter and a pilot willing to take me up any time, so if i wanted, i could shoot most of this myself. also, i could get another friend to spit out a chopper going down in the woods digitally. all of this would cost me nothing.

the hard part (for me) would be getting all the emergency vehicles, cop cars and news vans. but it could be done. it's not impossible, even on a small budget.

but that's not the point! it's about the writing. that's why i'm here - to practice writing, and to learn from others.
 
This kind of idea is a fantastic one, and it is well evoked, although I agree with the dialogue criticism.

I think 'The Vanishing' is an odd title, I infer a sense of not coming back from the title myself. Others may disagree.

My main criticism is that it feels derivative. It basically is the start of Invaders from Mars with The Midwitch Cuckoos thrown in. Having said that, Invaders is a classic, and I love Village of the Damned too, so if you're going to borrow then I guess you've gone to the right place.
 
wow, i looked up those films (+ book), and you're right. very similar. now i want to go watch them!

thanks for the review....
 
If you've honestly never seen them then give yourself a pat on the back. The premises they both begin on are brilliant, and you've come up with that yourself you're doing something right.

Invaders from Mars even has the dog disappearing bit too I'm afraid. It's a dodgy and very dated movie, but worth seeing for the classic 'two marks on the back of his neck!' stuff.

And John Wyndham's books are all worth reading, they've never managed to do him well on film imho.

Aaaaanyway, now I fancy watching them again too... :)
 
honestly, i have never seen them... i don't watch sci-fi often, much less read it.

thanks again. i'll look for Invaders. :)
 
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