The Legend of Immortal Joe

I enjoyed the underlying tale. I think the biggest issue with the script was the dialog. I'd go back through the script and think about how the words will sound, not how they're read. There's a lot of extraneous dialog that could be cut. Example: Joe repeating "Proection from Death? Young forever?" Joe saying "This is weird" when the necklace starts to work. Stuff like that.
 
Lots of points already made I agree with. I liked the idea that Joe is going to suffer a fate worse than death. But I would have set Selma up a bit more to be someone you know would be horrible to spend the rest of your days with.

Really quirky and a solid base to go from.
 
I once again want to thank everyone for taking the time to not only read but provide all of the feedback! It's so amazing how much you can learn from each other and I'm loving every moment of it!

Sarah Daly - Yes, some tightening up will be done! Thank you for the review!

MrKilloran - You will be happy to know I plan to never again use the words "we see" in a script. Thank You!

NJPage- Your right, commas were made for a reason and I will adjust accordingly. I appreciate it!

Yeehaanow- I agree the detail can be toned down. It must have something to do with my control issues in wanting to force readers to see it all the way I do. Ha! Great suggestions though and it makes sense as a viewer would not be reading it anyway. Thank you!

krestofre- Funny thing you should mention the dialog because I was sort of thinking that one myself. Nice suggestion!

Noel Evans- Yes, I think in a rewrite we will defiantly see Selma as a more horrible person to give it that extra punch at the end. Thank you for reading!
 
Well this started out okay but then I realized you were playing it for laughs. Forgive me if I repeat something someone else has said, as I haven't gone back to read the thread yet.

1st, I think I'd lose the passive voice. Example:
Selma is sitting down in her chair heartbroken and crying. She is reaching out to the full moon on the horizon where she watched Joe ride off.
Click to expand...
would read better as:
Selma sits in her chair, heartbroken and crying. She reaches out to the full moon as she watches Joe ride off.
Click to expand...

Check the spelling. If it just happened once, "ridding" could be a typo, but it's repeated several times. There are quite a few other spelling problems like "bonny" for "boney." It's really important to go over the script with a fine tooth comb. If it was just one misspelling it could be overlooked but this just looks slopping.

Even though you're telling a Twilight Zone story, try not to go too far afield with things like the cobra. That just feels like a mistake rather than style. If you're in the west/southwest best to go with a rattlesnake. At least that keep the reader plugged in. You're already asking us to go with the magic necklace, so keep the rest of the world as normal as possible so we don't start looking for other things amiss...unless, of course, you're willing to explain the cobra in the story, which you didn't.

You're a bit wording in your action blocks. I'd like to see you more economical in your descriptions (see above example).

So much for the criticisms.

Having read through a lot of scripts, I've noticed a lot of supernatural business going on. Yours is yet another in that vein but you put a different twist on it by giving us a comedy. That was refreshing. It was an easy read and the story moved along at a nice pace.

<<time out while I read some of the other reviews.>>

Okay, it looks like I've repeated some things but that should be a good thing because it reinforces what others have seen.

I think Noel makes a great point with pushing Selma further to the extreme thus reinforcing a fate worse than death.

Good job and thanks for a comedy.
 
pretty good! i loved the ending although i didn't really understand why marrying selma was a "fate worse than death". you could have made her a lot more annoying and or described how hideous she was or something. also, why was he with her in the first place? money? hot sister? maybe he seduces her because he hears she makes the best tamales a man will ever have and then once he's eaten he wants nothing more to do with her, goes to the bar, gets arrested, meets her again in prison...something. IMO, i feel it needs further substantiation.

also, the cobra made no sense to me. the fact that it was slithering around (presumably) the american frontier or the reason for including it in the story. the dialogue seemed a little wooden at times as well.

i liked the way you referenced the title and the title itself.
 
The great thing about reviewing late is that I have the option to simply echo everyone else's sentiments, which I do.

I think that there are a lot of spelling and grammatical issues to be addressed long before you look at the possible flaws in story and structure. I know that I personally had a high school knowledge of writing when I approached screenwriting, and quickly found myself being slammed for it. No worries...licked my wounds and kept on writing.

My biggest bit of advice is to look at your script when you think you're done and remind yourself that you're NOT. I find more flaws in my find more mechanical flaws in my final draft than in my first, which is normally typo-heavy. Mechanical errors are things that make the story seem flat, or Characters that don't seem real. Dialogue would be my particular nitpic with Immortal Joe. None of it ever felt natural.

The story could be better with some minor mechanical tweeks. On the whole, a decent conept for a comedy!
 
You have enough people mention the spelling typos, the passive voice in description and the dialog issues, yet? :)

That's the only way you'll learn. And you've got a great start being a story-teller. You have nailed a structure and have a sense of pacing though it's a bit off.

All good things as far as progressing towards being a better screen-writer is concerned.

A Western Comedy. That takes guts and a fair bit of skill. I'd watch "Balzing Saddles" and also Spaghetti Western comedies that starred Bud Spencer and Terence Hill. "Trinity Is Still My Name", "My Name Is Nobody" to name a couple.

Mostly slapstick works great in a setting like a Western. Also more sight gags. Sexual innuendo, ROM/COM like situations, are hit and miss.

Flesh out the Selma character. Give her more quirks. Make her personality hideous or appalling. Maybe she's jinxed and every person she meets ends up with horrible accidents. Or she's clumsy.

The Sherrif is the most rounded character here. He's trying to do his job, is comically evil and yet has a redemptive quality with his action at the end. Great writing with him.

I'd trim this up, break up the descriptions and with a final polish it has a lot of potential.

All the best. Thanks for the comments on "The Patch-up Kid."
 
I just wanted to take a moment yet again to thank all of you guys for spending the time to read the story and share your feedback. It has been so helpful and I think this story is going to rock after I'm done making the tweaks you have all suggested. Your the best!

Blaine- Great points on everything. Especially keeping the rest of the world as normal as can be unless it's explained. Thank you!

arroway- Yeah, that Cobra has been trouble in the short version of this story so out it will come! Thank you!

RodThompson- One of the best things that has come out of this for me was learning exactly what you (and the others) have stated about not rushing it to avoid mechanical tweaks. Thank you!

Rustom Irani- Great idea about Selma causing horrible accidents to those she meets! Awesome!!! Thank you
 
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Mark,

Was initially here to mention the cobra thingy already mentioned a few times above. Reading it made me stop and consider for a while and think how funnily misplaced this creature was, but having fallen flat on my face in the past I did a little bit of research and yes indeed a "cobra" could have been the featured snake.

Micrurus fulvius, a.k.a. the American cobra or eastern coral snake, a venomous elapid species found in the southeastern United States.

Sort of shows up our ignorance as you were indeed correct, but then again if it's something that's not common knowledge perhaps the obligatory "Rattlesnake" might have proven a better choice as this unusual siting of a cobra in the wild west was the overiding image I took from your script.

I also wondered why he wasn't nude(ish) as the bullets ripped through everything else they would have torn off his clothing (the necklace assists him in this?). Maybe you should have him nude - might have added another comedic element. Just nitpicking as I have seen this sort of thing in many movies.
 
That's a hilarious idea leepback! Thank you. It looks like I still need to read Gunplay. I will try to get to it tonight and leave some feedback as well.
 
this was a humorous story. very tales from the crypt.

on that note, however, i agree that you should have taken it more to the extreme with selma's character...making her really hideous and repulsive. if you took out some of the overdone description, you would have room for more character development...

maybe you could have opened with a scene before joe is arrested that shows how joe and selma interact, how she falls in love with him, how he steals the horses... etc. it kind of feels like we are starting in the middle of the story otherwise with a need for expostition in the jail scene to explain why he is in jail to begin with.

still... i love how different and quirky this script felt. very entertaining. :)
 
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