The Glass Leopard

R

Redcloak

Active member
Well, think I've uploaded one.

Gone for the old school Chandler/ Hammett angle, the sort of makes-no-sense-at-all-but-i'm-just-listening-to-the-dialogue-anyway kind of thing. Basically it's incomprehensible, but hopefully in a Big Sleep way as opposed to a Transporter 2 way (which I'm watching as I write this...). Actually I started with a stupid title and worked back.

Not sure it's a great effort so I apologise, wish I'd seen the thread earlier. Nevertheless I enjoyed writing it so I'm glad I made it in.
 
Excellent use of a MacGuffin. This wouldn't have felt like a Pulp Fest without one. The twists and turns kept coming at a nice pace, but I never lost the through line of the story. Boyle's dialog as he's getting the crap kicked out of him was terrific.

Great job!
 
I agree with above, the dialogue is great and it was funny as well as gritty. It was a good read, with a good main character.
But, like a few others in this fest, it is part of a bigger story with a to be continued at its end.
 
Yep I quite enjoyed that - the dialogue was amusing, and the story was all firmly tongue in cheek almost! I think it all worked rather well! It was all stock stuff of course - quite precisely like the classic detective novels.

So I like the characters, the action lines were perhaps a little descriptive (novel like) for my taste, but its all subjective. Had to jump here and there to keep up with story at times.

So overall I enjoyed it especially if it was intended as a very very subtle pastiche (but if utterly serious) then perhaps it would be a wee bit contrived!
 
Cheers:beer: on amazing use of dialogue and V.O.
It really lent itself to a pulpy stylized tone & feel.

I can see this one translated nicely to the screen.


***SPOLILER ALERT***

I did see one possible pothole with the (always clever) plot. How did he know that the baddies wouldn't kill him? Or didn't he care? It just seems like a big stakes gamble just to get information.

Don't get me wrong, this one really struck a chord with me.

Favorite Line:
"I was just wondering why you didn't bring the girl who taught this chump how to hit."
Wow.
 
Very effective use of voice over but would avoid using font changes. Only a style choice but you only want your writing to stand out (not your formatting). But I would shorten/tighten parts of it (or split it up over action/description). Dialog also was very good (and amusing).

Story was good - sort of reminded me of a pulp version of the tv series "burn notice" = but think the risk of getting killed was a high stakes gamble (especially since these type of people would have seemed to do such with little thought).

Well done. Enjoyed it.

PS excellent pulp style title.
 
I've been away so sorry for the tardy reply.

Thanks to everyone who read the script and for all the kind words. I agree with all the criticisms wholeheartedly!

I cut it down from 12 pages when I first typed it up, and so I took out a few of the less necessary lines of description. I definitely agree that it could be better spaced and laid out in places, I have a feeling that's one of the reasons. And I know that italicising his voiceover is not really the 'done' thing, but because I was using so much of the bloody stuff, and because it was so mixed in with his normal words I made the executive decision to make it a bit clearer. But I kinda agree, it doesn't look right.

I originally had some dialogue on why they don't shoot him, but it got trimmed for the ten pages. I figured it was kinda his style to jump first and worry later anyways. All in all, I'm fairly pleased it came out coherent, I really enjoyed recreating the kind of style you can't get away with so much these days. I'm still gutted I discovered the competition so late, I was writing two before I read the rules properly and I was really keen on the other idea. This one was an easier proposition in the sense it's short on emotion so it was my only chance of meeting the deadline. Next time I guess.

Thank you for the comments, I've thoroughly enjoyed reading everyone's scripts, there's been some great stuff.
 
It was a good read. I liked it, but I had to read it through more than once and I am still a little confused about a few things. Who is the old lady? Did the blonde put on mascara in the bathroom and force herself to cry? Why do they keep calling him stranger? And how is it that she says almost the exact same line to Boyle when he leaves her tied up as he does to the heavy as they are leaving him?... was that to show how much they are alike or had she overheard Boyle say it somehow?

Those things aren't a big deal, however, and I thought it was well-done. Very Indiana Jones. :)
 
Thanks for the comments Jamie, much appreciated.

The old lady is the woman who owned the document of proof. The Blonde evidently killed her for it and makes out it's hers. And yes, she fakes the tears, the femme fatale turning it on to get her way.

He is a stranger to them, and it's kinda the type of term they'd use in those days.

And as for her saying the last line... Well I don't have a good reason, apart from it could be the kind of thing they'd say in this sort of world (Marlowe says something similar a couple of times in a Chandler novel). To be brutally honest, I needed a line to finish it and I was very close to my page limit. I had more stuff, but I went with that one to kinda bring it full circle. You are right to question it I think.

I was very much going for the Macguffin style plot, where there's layers on layers, and it's not so much about the end as the getting there. I tried to make it confusing really, and about not even the leopard, but the thing they need to get the leopard. I borrowed heavily from the Maltese Falcon (where the whole thing they're chasing is a fake) and all of Chandler's stuff. When they filmed the Big Sleep they rang Chandler to ask him who'd actually killed one of the victims in the novel and he said he had no idea- did it matter?... That was sort of my inspiration!
 
That was a fun read! The jumps back and forth between past and present were a bit of a distraction while reading, but I'd think the would work fine in a film. I had some questions about the story but you've already answered them in your posts. Nice work!
 
I enjoyed this script a lot. Really really good dialogue. Even though the plot jumped around, it still made sense and kept me firmly in the story.
Great characters. Nailed the genre.

I liked this lot. Excellent.
 
This was a very classic story, well written. The dialogue and voice overs were very much in style. "It made for an interesting life, and a jaw that hurt when it rained" is one of my favourites for the fest. I don't have much to add to other people's comments. I needed to read it twice, but that's fine since it got me interested the first time round anyway. Thanks for a good read.
Jason
 
Well done! I love your dialogue, and I'm really impressed that you managed to get so much story and so many layers into ten pages. I did have a few questions about the plot at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised it didn't matter. As I was reading it, it made me think about The Big Sleep and The Maltese Falcon, so I'm glad you mentioned that's what you were aiming for.

I really liked it!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top