The Five-Seven

H

Helferc

Member
Logline:
At a rundown heap they call the Five-Seven, A man pays a visit to an old friend.

First Scriptfest.
 
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Well the title interested me. Could we get a logline? I'd like to know what premise goes with that title.
 
I thought this one was a nice change of pace, stepping into the futuristic world.

In the first two pages there is no dialogue, which perfectly cool with me, but I feel that some of those descriptions could have been shortened.

I did like the dialogue between Roy and Blockley and how their past was slowly uncovered.

One thing about the end though I think the "cut the rope on the chandelier and it crushes the bad guys" has been done a billion times in films so I would've liked to see something more original there.

Other than that detail it was enjoyable. Very creative too!
 
First thing that hit me was this read more like a book than a screenplay. Way to much description. Cut it back and break it up.

example:
From beneath the craft a ramp lowers down, and a MAN in a
DARK ORANGE, LIGHT-WEIGHT SPACE SUIT carrying a duffel walks
out onto the ground. He starts looking around in all
directions, and the ramp behind him closes. In the distance
he spots a particular structure, and as he begins to walk
towards it, the space ship takes off.

A Ramp slowly lowers beneath the craft.

A MAN, dressed in a dark orange jump suit and carrying a duffel, walks down the ramp.

He looks around in every direction as the ramp behind him closes. The Man looks towards a structure in the distance and he walks towards it.

The ship takes off behind him.


Would also avoid use of We see + any kind of camera direction at all. Treat it like a spec script and avoid direction and shot descriptions - it will make you sound like more of a writer. If you sold to to someone to direct, they would not be interested in your version of how they should shoot their film.


Overall a nice mix of genres. A well told story that would serve you better is you gave it another draft and tightened it up as suggested.
 
Just read your script Helferc and I really enjoyed it.

Ok, yes I agree that each scene is over described, but you do set some nice scenes and you miss nothing out. I thought I was in a world mixed between Total Recall and Blade Runner, very nice.
Roy really reminds me of the Clint Eastwood of old, dirty, cool and dangerous. I think this is another in this Fest that could do without the 10 page boundary and be allowed to evolve. Yes, the ending has been done before, but with more time you could create a more fitting ending for this script and especially this character.

Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed the read. Well done.
 
I'm finding it quite hard giving feedback on this script. Why?
Because, I think your descriptive prose is excellent - and also your dialogue - like the Brockley dialogue top of page 7, it's great.
It's just that the total script reads more like a well scripted excerpt from a movie, than a complete story in itself. But I loved what I read, and I'm not so keen on sci-fi...so...
 
Hey! Right okay let's go hehe

Feedback time! Um... Right well first of it creates an impression not unlike that of an Isaac Asimov novel (which i always managed to read the first thirty pages of and would then be forced to give up!) (He is a great author of course) But anyway an epic start nicely described - but a bit overlong. A chap remarked already that it came across a bit like novel like - and in part i would have to agree with that. It could be shortened down, and theres nothing scarier for a director than to be confronted with a big block of action lines taking up a page!

The character of Roy (Clint Eastwood!!!) was nicely done, his interactions were amusing and macho! The descriptions were all capable, and in all I think it hummed along gently!

But perhaps a little too gently - as in the story was maybe a tad predictable you know? I would like to have seen the science fiction element play a functional role in the story (beyond mere set dressing). After all the ship only serves to take him into a metal saloon?! So if the same story could be told with different scene headings then i think that more could be made of your setting.

That said this feels part of a larger story - so is perhaps a bigger project your working on - or thinking of developing this short into? All in all its a solid work - solid entertainment, just could do with a tad more mojo for it to work as a short imo.
 
I dig the lack of dialogue. I was riveted. Unfortunately it is very book-like in its descriptions. Break up the action and you can also lose the "Camera Pans" unless this is a shooting-script.

Your visuals are top notch and when the characters do talk it works, its solid. However it seems too lofty in scope to be a short but even with that the sci-fi, futuristic elements were barely utilized. It seems like you were just going for a cool setting for a classic western tale.

Mind the technical details and utilize the elements you're putting into play, great stuff.
 
too much black. an eighteen line block of action is just excruciating for a script no matter how well written it is (and it IS written very well, in this case).

the story is a little too simple for my tastes. basically one big fight scene with a little bit of introductory exposition. the "shoot the chandelier" thing is something i've seen in too many movies just like the "leave the bottle" quip which i've read in, i believe, two other entries already. there has to be another way for him to out smart them in the end.

i liked the total recall, outlander vibe. some very good writing, just not very suitable for scriptwriting IMO...
 
Really well written. But as other's have, too wordy for a script and the blocks of action were too big, need to break those up. However the words that were written were done very well, just reads more like a novel.

Nice dialogue between the two as their backstory unfolds. I agree that the chandilier things is overdone.

The writing , descriptions and visuals are all top notch.
 
Hmmm. I think there's less here than meets the eye. You went to quite a bit of trouble at the beginning to set up your mining colony (not unlike that in Outland) and then absolutely failed to utilize it. I can't see any reason not to have actually placed this in the old west. It would have made no difference to the script whatsoever. It feels like you were just using the SciFi as a gimmick to make this different and for me it didn't work.

The dialogue wasn't too bad but at times ran rather deep with exposition. The blocks of action were quite thick and at times became tedious.

I don't think you did this story any justice in the short format. It felt like you just tried to cram too much into the allotted space (no pun intended) without the time to fully develop it. It really felt rushed. Roy comes in and within moments, gets his job done with minimal resistance. You came in at 8 pages and I think you probably should have utilized all 10 to make this a richer story and give it some depth.

Now, with all the said I thought for the most part the writing was fine. I'd like you see you guys go back and re-write this, adding depth and utilizing your location. Give it a reason to be in space rather than a remote mining outpost on earth. Even your characters felt more old west than future noir or future west.
 
So another story that was right up my alley! It's hard for me to be very critical on this because the two coolest genre's in the world for me have to be Western and Sci Fi. What a great idea to mix them up! Outside of agreeing with finding a way to spice up the chandelier ending a bit I thought this story was great! These scenes were so well described that I was really able to see and feel what was going on. I know it's going against the advise of the need to keep those brief but I enjoyed the ride. Also I think because there is the Sci Fi element to it, you are sort of forced to give us more description. Everyone knows what a western town looks like but a futuristic air lock is another story.
 
Okee dokee...have to admit, if someone other than DVXWriter had sent me this, the first two pages of black would have made me just stop reading. It IS well written, but more in a novelette sort of way.

Having said that, I'm glad it was a DVXWriter because the story was cool as ****! I loved the sci-west genre genesis you pulled off here. Nothing too big to rag on, and the characters were definitely natural and real.

Good Job.
 
I was liking the mood you set at the beginning, then, I started to get a little bogged down from all the detail, around the time you started describing his clothes, I think.

I thought the dialog was pretty good, but the story didn't go anywhere.

I felt more connected with the surroundings than the characters, and I think you focused more on the landscape and creating this world. Good job, as far as that goes, but I wanted more human drama and character development.

The writing was nice and clear and easy to read. As a short, it is lacking in story, but as a longer piece it could be great. Good job.
 
i liked the writing... you created an interesting world.... and i like sci-fi ;)

i have to agree on the over-description, however, and i did tend to skim through some of it at parts. and i would have loved to see you develop more of the storyline...

but your writing is good and i really enjoyed the script. nice work. :)
 
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