"The End" short film shot on DVX100a

iFILM

iFILM

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This is just the ROUGH CUT of the film. I need critique as to how i can fix or change the film to make it a stronger piece.

THE END FILM

The film is called "The End". It tells the story of the last two minutes of one mans life. About to be busted for his cocaine business, he must decide whether to fight the cops that are moments away or end his life on the spot.
 
The ending is a killer. The amount of gunshots seems off. It might be more powerful with just one shot (then we have to imagine what happened). I don't think him hitting himself with the gun so violently does anything.

The two biggest things to me was the age of your actor (completely takes me out of the story) and the fact that he keeps referring to himself as "the king of NY" I took the impression that he was dead serious (no delusions of grandeur) and if so he would not be sitting in a crappy hotel room with a bag. Maybe think about reworking his position in the food chain.

The static SFX in the opening sequence was unmotivated.

Overall good work, but it needs some tightening up.
 
BennisHahn said:
I don't think him hitting himself with the gun so violently does anything...




The two biggest things to me was the age of your actor (completely takes me out of the story) and the fact that he keeps referring to himself as "the king of NY"
Click to expand...

Ditto. I'd add that not only was his age a big issue, but his voice over acting... um... how do I put this politely... sucked.

To pull off a short like this, you need someone that has the look and attitude of a "gangsta, dealer, king of NY".

It'd be more believable if this kid was hiding marijuana from his parents, not a cocaine empire from the cops.


Sorry, but you asked for it...

-brown
 
Thanks Bennis, I agree with your views on the ending and thats one of the things we were working to change. The more you mention it the more i feel that professor at NYFA was right, "leave out alot of the voice over, keep in what's necessary"
the static in the beginning was for foreshadowing, i guess drop that? or would there be a way to tweek it so i could use it?
rcbrown, i understand where your coming from and being only 17 and having to use my friend as an actor was all i had. when you said it sucked, how would you change it? we were having problems in VO to try and keep it interesting. any ideas?
 
Hey Ian,

Not everything about your short is bad, so I hope you're not completely discouraged. First, your short is just that - short. It could be shorter, but you did well in the "Not dragging 1 minutes's worth of story out for 10 minutes" department. Second, you seem to have a good sense of lighting for a person your age. Finally, the pacing is well done.

But there is a number of things that could have been done better.

The Script

The concept you have here is good - examine the intense last moments of a criminal's life as he awaits the storm of bullets from the cops. Just like any good story, you can sum it up in a very quick sentence. Now, since you were planning on using a young man for the criminal, your next step should be making the details of the story as believable as possible. As has been mentioned before, and as obvious as it may be, no one is going to beleive that this teenage kid is a drug baron in New York City. No one. Not even your friend Ally Muller believes it, even though she thinks this is one of the best films she's seen of yours.

So where do you go from here? You have two options:

1. Get an older actor who fits the role more appropriately
2. Change the script to fit the age of the actor

Obviously option number 2 is much easier from a logisitics stand-point; it will just require you to think more creatively and turn loose of your original idea. Think about it, mull over it for a few days - what situation would a teenager find himself in where he's facing certain death at the hands of trigger-happy cops? Do they need to be cops? Maybe his big brother owes some bookies some money and a few heavys are coming to pick him up? What if the kid pissed off the wrong guy at school? Maybe he kissed the "thug"s girl? In any case, your audience needs to be able to believe in what you're telling them. Now, it HAS been done where some teenagers are portrayed as big time crime-lords, and it worked wonderfully in the movie, "Brick". I'm not sure if this is what you were going for, but if it was, I'm sorry to say that it didn't work.

The Acting

Zack didn't do bad. It's obvious that he takes acting seriously and wants to give the best performance he can. But if you were to show this to an agent, he or she would quickly decide that there's nothing special happening here, and kindly tell you to have a nice day.

I really can't say anything here about acting that hasn't been said infinitely better than I could ever say it. From watching this performance, however, I can only assume that Zack put a minimal amount of work into his acting, instead focusing on maybe getting this done as quickly as possible. The line execution is amateur, there are no signs of inner dialogue (and I'm not talking about the VO), and he's simply thinking way too hard about how he's acting while on camera. For a really stellar performance, an actor needs to understand their character so well that when the cameras are rolling, they aren't acting at all. When Zack is hunched over, shaking his head, I can almost hear him thinking to himself, "Keep going, keep going, ok that seems good, ok now say the line".

The Directing
as it pertains to directing the actor

Read the book, "Directing Actors" by Judith Weston. That's all I can say.

The Editing

At the beginning, we get these quick glimpses at coke lines, followed by a shot of a bullet, some coke, and some blood on the floor. These all look well lit to me, but the fade-out right after the fade-in completes is awkward. You should either wait a few beats for the fade-out, or drop the fade-in in favor of a cut to immediate fade-out. Or drop the fading completely and just cut between the shots.

Everything else seemed pretty good.

The Cinematography

Ok, there are quite a few very specific things I'd like to point out.

When we come in on the actor sitting next to a table right after the title, this is a wide static tri-pod shot, with the actor in the left third of the frame.. We then cut to a hand-held POV of a line of coke on the table. Then we go back to the tri-pod, on a medium shot of our actor, again in the left third. In my opinion, going from tri-pod to handheld and back simply doesn't work. The fluidity of your handheld is very pleasing to the eye, and I feel cheated when I have to watch your actor in a boring tri-pod shot. The biggest complaint, however, is that you don't follow your pattern all the way through. A couple of shots later, we see a POV of the door he's facing, but instead of being handheld, it's a tri-pod shot.

In the low-angle of your actor hunching over and "struggling", or whatever it is that he's doing, the bright wall and ceiling behind him steal the attention from his face. There should have been more light on his face here, even if only on one side. A couple of shots later, after the bag of coke with blood next to it, we get a good look at the top of his head, and become quite intimate with his hair. Awkward choice of framing, to say the least.

Now, after this, we go to a tri-pod wide of your actor standing up out of his chair. This is framed well, I think. He's got the perfect amount of headroom and sits nicely in the left third. This is followed by another good shot, a low-angle long where your actor's chin just kisses the bottom of the frame. Great lighting here too, if a teeny bit over exposed and washed out.

In Summary

This was not a bad short. There are plenty of things for you to work on for your next, or if you decide to change this. Get the book by Judith Weston, and make sure your buddy reads it, too.

Andy
 
Alright... Andy gave you a great answer.

I gave you a sh!tty one... but in my defense, I was in a bad mood ;)

Props to waldo for taking the time, and there's some good info in there, so don't take it for granted.

-brown
 
man andy! thank you soo much for taking the time out and delivering 100% what i was looking for! I have taken everything you said into account and am working on the new edit as we speak. I will also pick up a copy of that book because i know my directing needs work. I will post my new edit soon.
rcbrown i understand by the way... we all have those days
 
that acting i will say was alright, the quality of the movie its self was amazing by the way, way to set your colors brotha.

his age did effect this alot though, ripped me right away from the story, but i wont diss it, it was pretty good.

cant wait for the new edit.
 
oh and i just noted something being my first time using the DVX and 24p
i shot in 24p and i could have sworn that i captured in 24p and i know my FCP sequence was set to 24p...
why is my footage interlaced?
pulldown removal?
 
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