"Synapse"

Very impressed by the level of work on this piece. The story was written in a way that was very engaging, but yet I really had no idea of what to expect next. With the right style of production (dare I say, aka, Cloverfield...grrr...) this has great potential. And I think it's a very realistic script to produce...the only toughy is the car accident, and that's getting to be a routine special effect.

My only suggestion is to write MORE of this. This story would lend itself well to a feature-length project. Five minutes might not be enough time to get the emotional connection to the lead character...at least not enough as should be.

Nice work!!!
 
I agree with mike on A) this had me guessing(good thing) and B) reminded me of cloverfield.

Question- When Sean is at the hospital desk he has this long conversation but there isn't anyone responding. Seems like he is talking to himself. What did I miss?

Anyways nice swift read, actually left me wanting to know more. My type of story. Good job.
 
I'm sorry, Sean in the hospital talking to himself was due to a cutting error by me. Thanks for catching it. I basically have him just talking to the head nurse or receptionist at the hospital.
 
This script can very well become a feature-length project. I love the concept of the entire script and would love to know what happens next.
It's a great script with the huge potential in becoming a feature movie and at some point in the script it felt like I was right beside those guys!
 
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Great script...loved the interaction between the characters. I could completely see each scene unfolding..it was cohesive and thoughtful...the end definitely left me wanting to know what happens next...so far it is the only script that had me soooo hooked that I was ticked when I got to the end! I definitely would love to read more!



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I didn't expect the ending at all....you completely had me thinking that Sean would be going through some sort of struggle between who he was and learning to live with who he is now....but when the doctor starts talking about software and Jim is struck....yeah...left me wanting sooo much more! LOVED IT!
 
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Thanks for the reviews so far! I'm glad to know that people are saying they wanted more; that was kind of my goal for the script.

I actually have more to the story, I just didn't include it in the script, and haven't meshed out all of the rest of the scenes for a feature. But booyeah, there's something sinister going on, and even something more sinister going on behind that.

There is another idea that I had for this story. It starts out pretty much the same way, head trauma and such, but takes a totally different direction after that. I may work on that one next; the subject matter of the one I didn't write is a little closer to my heart. There's no way I could have fit it onto six pages.

Thanks again!
 
This was a well written script. I really enjoyed the banter at the beginning of the script. Particularly Jim talking about Sean the nerd extraordinaire talking to the girl.

One part about the party, it struck me as kind of strange that everyone there was party guest #1,2,3,4,5. It seems there would be somebody there more distinguishable, a relative maybe or least his friends Rob and Jim.

You did a good job of describing what was happening with Sean and creating mystery around it. A good moment when he pulls out the gun, I had no idea what he was going to do. I was always interested to see where the story was going.

Good idea and you definitely left me wanting more.
 
Great story. The plot is innovative and the way you tell it too. Definitely kept me interested beyond the end. Great stuff.
 
You kept it well paced, props, a nice meld of ideas and the amount of "hand held" you wanted was interesting. I just wanted more out of the end, where's it going from there?

You had me hooked, nice job
 
Good script! I didn't understand why he was so upset by his new found abilities though.
You were vague on a few events and just summed them up in the script. I would have liked to have seen them played out. I guess the 6 page limit didn't help that.

Nice work! Good script.

Mike
 
Jim and Rob start talking with no intro.

This ...

Sean Tyson, shy nerd extraordinaire, is talking to a girl. A real one. No internet involved.

Very funny.

This ...

a man in a walker slowly hobbles through

Is this Sean?

Some issues with the slugs and margins.

Story ...

Loved the story. Maybe a dash of Phenomen in there, only implanted. I know it's only 6 pages, but we don't really have a motivation on the doctor's part. Maybe a quick comment to another doctor about who is behind the whole deal.

Fun read.

alex
 
I agree with Conlan about the party; too many random party guests and no sign of Jim and Rob.

I'd add that, in the first scene, I was confused who was onscreen and who was behind the camera at first. I think it was Rob onscreen and Jim behind the camera, but that could use just a touch of clarification.

I didn't get why you went with this:

The guest asks an insanely hard trivia question. The guys debate and decide to come up with a funny answer since they don’t know the real one. Before their official answer, Sean speaks and quietly answers the question; almost as if he were in a trance.

rather than actually writing the question and answer. I like the scene and the way you approach it, but the way you write it really takes me out of the script.

But it's an interesting idea, and a good setup for something bigger.
 
Thanks for the continued comments! They have been very helpful in getting this polished.


"I didn't get why you went with this:

The guest asks an insanely hard trivia question. The guys debate and decide to come up with a funny answer since they don’t know the real one. Before their official answer, Sean speaks and quietly answers the question; almost as if he were in a trance.
"

VERY good point. I agree with you. In fact, that's how I was planning to do it. But, to come clean, I didn't have a good chance to improve the script before I submitted it. I had originally set out to do it the way you described, with the characters speaking the lines and the questions. But it would have put me over the page limit, and it was important to the story, so I had to do it that way.

The other great comment was why is he not happy about his powers? Wow, that's a great point. I never thought of it that way. You'd think someone would be excited with gifts like that. I guess my reasoning behind that is that the main character is a little shy and doesn't want to be in the spotlight. Since he knows what he's doing is not natural, he's probably more scared than excited. It's different than Spiderman or the Hulk, where the character knows what happened to them and figured it out, but this characters doesn't know anything. Only that he's been in pain and rehab for the last few months, and his life is totally different now.

Again, honestly, thanks for the critiques. They really have helped me get a better grasp of what I want to do with it.
 
I enjoyed the story. I like the little twist at the end. Didn't expect it. I agree about the party guests, but it's not that big of a deal. Like someone else said, you think he would be at least a little excited... but the headaches were a good touch.

Well done. :)
 
it reminds me of that john travolta movie only with a sinister twist at the end. i think you need to find something or some way to distance yourself from that movie apart from the cloverfield 1st person POV.

in the last scene i didn't understand where jim was until he finally spoke up out of nowhere and i realized he was the one filming the scene which then begged the question why is he filming the scene after his friend just laid waste to a bunch of security guards. it seems like at that point you would run.

good luck with it.
 
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