Squareton heroes

D

Donatas.Kaulinis

Member
Title of the script: Squareton heroes
Logline: Two brave brothers fight against the fury of the whole town of Nixon.

Managed to ge into the fest (I think!). Good luck for everyone.
 
there's a ton of punctuation and grammatical errors in this one.

lines like,
JOSH (con't)
How come you didn't say to me,
that Tommy was your cousin.
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things like this are all throughout the script.

there aren't any descriptions of the characters. i've never seen a professional screenplay without this, so you might want to include that next time.

it's hard to understand what's going on. the descriptive action doesn't describe the situation. things like:
Two brothers stand between few columns, looking at the office of sheriff in the other side of the road.
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i never understood what "nixon" meant either. in different parts of the script i couldn't tell if it was a gang/city/group of people or single person.

some of the dialogue wasn't bad though. sometimes it seemed distinguishable between characters, and most the time not.

sorry to be a negative nancy, but if it were my script i'd want someone to be brutally honest in order to learn from my mistakes.

you seem to have a passion to write, so keep at it and things will improve!
 
Obviously there are flaws, but I must say I really enjoyed reading your script. I found your word choice amusing and my favorite line was "His eyes look like the eyeballs of Satan." Also, I liked how this story seemed to have a message, actually several. :)
 
Hey Donatas! So you were producing this at a serious disadvantage compared to all us native English speakers! So kudos for competing with that handicap! So then onto the script! I found it a fairly enjoyable romp - I overlooked the technical issues and had to presume some of your descriptions actions and dialogue (from the worlds you used!)

I enjoyed the first few pages, but it started to suffer because of course as one reads a script (the dialogue in particular) they perform it! So the guys we're speaking in somewhat broken English and it came across as immature. Of course your not immature - but the simplistic English made it appear so and that psychologically effects the impression one has of the story!

I honestly would suggest having an English language major/ student friend/ pen pal translate this script a little better so that the soul of this piece is not lost on us - as it stands I don't feel my general feedback would be fair to the piece.
 
Despite the punctuation and grammatical errors already mentioned, I liked the overall idea. But I had a few questions.

Josh and Kentwell are brothers. But then Josh asks:

"Tell me, why did the sheriff kill your cousin?"

Being brothers, wouldn't they have the same cousins? Unless they're step-brothers or half brothers.

I think some your action lines could use a bit more description. For example:

"The other riders quickly point their guns at KENTWELL. This is the last shoot out. It is a wounded brother JOSH and furious KENTWELL against 5 cowboys. No cover what so ever.

In the end none of the cowboys survive, but KENTWELL is hurt very badly. He starts choking on his own blood."

It kindof jumps from - "they are all about to face off" to "the face off is over" and doesn't really give any description of how it went down. Who shot the cowboys and in what order? Who wounded Kentwell and what was the nature of the wound?

Also the line from Josh's wife after they're dead:

"They didn't leave our children fatherless without a reason, I know that!"

Not to undermind your story but I think they did leave them fatherless without a reason. I mean, they THOUGHT they had a reason for what they were doing but it turned out that they were seeking revenge on a town that wasn't even involved in the death of Josh's cousin.

Just a few things to think about but I did enjoy the twist that they were barking up the wrong tree (so to speak) the whole time.
 
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Woah! I didn't expect so many responses (much response? :) ). Yeah, I know there is a hell of a lot of punctuation and grammatical errors. You see I was in a hurry when writing this script since I thought I had time untill 28th. Apereantly (appearently?) the deadline was 23rd :) Didn't have time for more than 1 draft, so the script you have read is what came out of it. Otherwise I would've rewritten lots of things. Puncuation is another thing. It is a subject I'm going to study in the future, so , obviously, I haven't learned it yet. That is why I use the punctuation we would use in Lithuanian language.

So excuse me for that thing.

And I fully agree that there are a lot of plot holes. Now, that I think of it, there was no real goal that the reader could look up to. Everything looks kind pointless - the death, the shoot outs.

Nounou I really appreaceate you critisism and I fully understand that I still have a long way to go. It's incredible what you can learn from You Own mistakes. :)

Lawriejaffa, how do you know that I'm not immature? :) Maybie I'm the most immature person in the whole world.

Tim, those questions will not be answered :) That is, because they came from the lack of continuity in this script.
 
Hi Donatas! Crikey, don't some of guys and gals know their stuff???
Take what they say, it's good and comes in good spirit. Sure there are spells/grammars and bla...de...bla, BUT, you can tell a story, and the rest of the script techinicality skills, you can learn as you go along.
Look forward to reading your next script!
 
Hi Donatas, I have read your script, thanks for entering.

People have already covered the gramatic and spelling issues. They have already covered the plot hole issues... So I am not going to keep flogging them.
I give you a lot of credit for writing something when English is not your first language. Well done.
I thought the main message which comes out of your script is excellent - Vengence only leads to more vengence.
I will give you two bits of advice. 1. Write your first draft sooner so you can iron out the plot holes early on. 2. Keep writing. You will only get better if you keep doing it.

Overall, it had its problems but I loved the message. Well done.
 
Yeah, I didn't realize English wasn't your first language. Writing's a tough thing to tackle when it's in your first language so I can't imagine doing it in a second language so big props for that.

One day probably not too far away you'll find yourself writing English flawlessly so keep up the good work!
 
I sure hope I will :) I really appreceate your feedback. You can't understand what this all means to me and how much inspiration it gives to go forward!

But isn't that a little too much? It's not the message, it is how I deliver the message. I start thinking that some of you don't hesitate to say better words just because I am younger. And that is not what I want :)

I will try read all of the scripts in this fest, but I'm afraid that I'm too tired and sick. Will try to do it soon thoug! I'm really interested in reading all of your scripts :)
 
The thing I liked about this script--the whirling-dervish pace--is also what got me hung up. There is a lot of action, a lot of characters, and a lot of plot going on in these 10 pages. As a reader, I became overwhelmed into trying to understand all of the points, and I've been reading a few of these, and I'm guilty of this too, but I think the story is trying to pack too much in, into too tight of a space.

I loved the spirit of the piece, taking in all the sights and sounds, and I'd love to see that spirit try something a bit simpler, with fewer characters and fewer things going on. It will be easier to create an easy to understand story arc. Overall, I'm happy you submitted, happy I had the pleasure of reading it, and seeing something original that's got a feeling different to it than most other westerns.
 
Good for you for putting this out there. I'm sure its much better than any script I could write in Lithuanian. haha

Any critique I have has already been stated, I like the message here, of vengeance breeding more vengeance. I like the basic story of the brothers as well. Just need to tighten up the script, plot hole etc. But you already know this.

You have a good idea here. Keep writing! :)
 
you should definitely keep writing! of course you are young and haven't completely developed your own style yet, but, you are way ahead of most people already.

i agree that it is a terrific effort considering that english isn't your first language. that's impressive. :) revenge plots work well with westerns.

i have only one question: if josh and kentwell are brothers, wouldn't tommy be both of their cousins? though they could just have different mothers or some other explanation...

all in all, keep developing your craft and i hope you continue to enter the fests. :thumbup:
 
Hi Donatas, I can't add anything that hasn't already been said. I really have to commend you for writing this in English as it's obviously not your native language.

Josh and Kentwell are <<Steve Martin & Dan Ackroyd>> two wiiild and crazy guys.

I think you'd be served well to write this in your native language and collaborate with someone good at translation to do the English version for you.

I thought the idea of two towns feuding with one another was an interesting idea.
 
Hey --- what they said haha, I guess I got here late everyone has basically told you what needs to be said so I won't.

Good job for not being fluent in the language. I liked the aspects and depth you put behind all the revenge.
 
Hey Donatas

Archoo (is that Lithuanian for thank you?) for the story.

That's about it for my Lithuanian, if indeed my memory is correct at all.

Visited there once for orienteering (Vilnius & Nida) and this was the only word we knew and used. Not sure we even got that right so ditto on it being a tough ask to write in a second language.

Had a great time in your country and (warning -sexist comment coming up) couldn't believe how beautiful and tall your young women were (my wife also made the same comment).
 
Thank you for sharing this story! I enjoyed the point you were making and think it's a great message to send (especially in westerns.) There's a lot of great characters in here and I think if you could tighten some of the plot points that have already been mentioned this story would be a lot of fun to watch on film!
 
leepback said:
Hey Donatas

Archoo (is that Lithuanian for thank you?) for the story.

That's about it for my Lithuanian, if indeed my memory is correct at all.

Visited there once for orienteering (Vilnius & Nida) and this was the only word we knew and used. Not sure we even got that right so ditto on it being a tough ask to write in a second language.

Had a great time in your country and (warning -sexist comment coming up) couldn't believe how beautiful and tall your young women were (my wife also made the same comment).
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It's "Ačiū", but you pronounce it something like archoo :D You just my day by the way :D How long have you been living in Lithuania? Bcause it seems you really have forgotten some things :)
 
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