something im working on

I'm going to break this down in a timeline

{1:00}
Well, first thing i don't like is that you waste a whole minute with stuff at the beginning. those titles are way too long.

{2:00}
Yet another full minute used to introduce the setting with five fairly boring (but very nicely shot) shots. It should be condensed.

{3:00}
Now we are getting to the meat of this short. You need to get to this point before 30 seconds is up in order to keep a viewer's attention (no offence but i'm forcing myself to go on past minute 2; time is precious).

{4:00}
Now I am really starting to like this. It grabbed my attention and the slow pace works with the mood, tone, music and cinematography. Getting to the beginning of this sequence in a timely fashion is absolutely critical for the success of this short.


ok. now i have finished watching it, and overall i like it and would really really like to see the finished product. And, as i know it's a work in progress i'm going to suggest some radical changes:

Remove everything from the beginning until we are in the house. The very first shot of the short should be the very first indoor shot. The stuff you have before it should be shown AFTER the scene at the computer.

The scene at the computer works so well because there is a mystique about the character. We don't know if he's good, we don't know if he's bad but we are certainly interested in finding out.

The outdoor introduction scenes give us nothing to wonder about, nothing to ponder. At this point, we do not care at all that there is a tree in his yard, he has a car and lives in a small house. We don't even know if he is a he or a she or a nobody!

But, after the computer scene takes place it would be a good contrast to show that (condensed considerabley from the current state). It would add to the question of this guy's personality, and it would be a nice way to kill time while he's waiting for the girl to phone.

Nice work though, i really look forward to seeing the rest.


[edit]
oh, and one more thing. please please consider ridding that shotgun intro from anything you ever make. I find it distasteful, out of place and offensive.
 
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now that is very excellent!!! Although, i may be biased :P.

Even though i had seen the rough version, this version kept me compelled from second 1.

keep it up i'm eager to see the final acts.
 
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I like where you are going with this. The music fits perfectly with the visuals you are showing.

Here is what I would change: In the title sequence we see what is obviously a myspace page. Then when he is typing its just a black screen. I don't know if this is just a style thing you are going for, but for me, having a more "normal" looking text window (such as a myspace comment window) would add more to the contradiction between what he is saying and what may be the actual truth.

You portray this guy in somewhat of a predator/dangerous individual, and the fact that he is hiding behind a very innocent screen name, that contrast needs to shown more....cause to me...the text was just as menacing as the guy himself.

It's a very good start. Good luck with it.
 
I think e wanted it to be more menacing, and re-enforce that he truly IS evil, but we havent been shown for certain. I agree, making a nicer looking visual would be nice, but i think it works... and if it ever gets bought by a publisher they can always afford to re-shoot that scene :P
 
Thanks

Thanks

Thanks guys. Just working out the kinks story wise and visually we still are shooting, but who knows how this will end. Thanks again
 
hey!!! i want an update! hehe i'm going to push you to finish this because it's one of the few work in progress internet films i've eeen where i REALLY want to see the rest!
 
poster for the short film

poster for the short film

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profile2poster.jpg
 
I watched both cuts.
Clearly you improved with the second cut. It wasn't that the first cut was terrible, but you can see the BIG difference between two.
I kind of actually disagree with Nathan on the first post about the "Calavera Films" intro. It's a very cool effect, but I can understand how it could come off as being "distasteful."

In the second cut though, something that stood out was the shot about the tools. I couldn't quite understand what that meant, and the cut to the next scene was a little rough. The audio didn't mix as well, and it actually seemed a little abrupt. [when the guy is sitting in the chair, waiting for the phone call.]

But I do like how you added the outside shots, especially the "Mary" shot, I understood the meaning more, I think.

Also, I think that the black background with the text would look a lot better than using a "myspace message" background to type out things. For me, it just seems a little odd, and silly.

OVERALL, the style of the film is amazing! It looks so wonderful, and I think you've found a good look.

I really like the ending, it works.

Great job, keep up the good work.
 
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