SHORT: Short: Bandwidth

[parallaxpeak]

Hey I just finished my first short film. Im sure there are some things wrong with it so criticize away. I worked hard on this considering I didn't have a lot to work with. Its my first short film and I basically did everything possible on it. Cinematography, editing, directing etc. There was absolutely no budget so I shot it on an Sony FS5 I own. It was more so to see what I can do with a limited script and time. The script changed a few times so if something seems weird you know. The actors and actresses are first time actors so take it easy on them. Considering this I still think they did a decent job.

The synopsis: A struggling engineer accidentally distorts time and receives a life altering transmission from a woman claiming to be from the future.

 

[parallaxpeak]

I guess this forum is dead.

 

[Josh Bass]

its not. just give it a while.

 

[rayortiz313]

cool poster

pretty respectable first movie, I think.

some ideas:

-re-edit it so that the sci-fi thing happens in the first scene and then backtrack to the buildup? its a short gotta grab people from the first shot?

- in the car scene, you may have done well to expose (a bit more for) the outside and let the talent fall into silhouette or partial silhouette?

- youre gonna hate me but you didnt make a film, you made a video. You also made a motion picture. I would write "a Kendric Gray picture" on the poster. But I have issues <dodges tomatoes>.

 

[rayortiz313]

Hey, I wanted to come back and say a bit more cause I know how its a struggle sometimes to get feedback to improve your work:

- Some good lighting going on
- good use of music
- you got good sound, which is amazing for a first short.
- Smart of you, on a low budget, to do a human, indie-style drama/sci-fi piece instead of trying to build a spaceship in your garage with leftover pieces of packing material ( but hey props to those doing that as well). We watch movies for stories and characters and human emotion, not special effects, right?

overall I think youre a bit ahead of the game if this is your first short. My first short was atrocious and unwatchable (my movies may still be).

keep rockin make another one!

 

[Publimix]

It is all about story and tempo, is it a 5 minute story or a 16 minute story? My humble opinion, the first minute must grab the viewer and keep him/her watching. You lost me there, maybe I am too much infected by Internet, but well, I viewed this on the internet too.
The looks are good, but the first minutes could use some sound to add some extra emotion, not only voice and music.

To end positive, well done technically. And nice poster!

 

[charliemcdanger]

Concur with prior posters. If the opening doesn't grab me, I either click it off or start playing PacMan on the other screen. So with the caveat that this was a PacMan movie:

-good first effort
-too long for what it is
-not great on the "show don't tell" front...most of the story unfolds from a voice telling us through the radio
-good audio mix
-long opening credit sequence is self-indulgent and probably antiquated. Start with the story, and when you're big time you can make us sit through opening credits.

Keep at it; this is a strong first effort.

 

[rayortiz313]

I really think a great exercise for you would be to do a tighter edit of this. Like literally cut it as short as you can, while keeping the meat of the story. Again I highly suggest starting with the climax scene and then going back in time to explain how it came to be. Record some voiceover if you need to, to bridge the plot.

Theres an idea amongst some screenwriters they call "genre juice". This means that whatever genre you choose, you should fill the movie to the brim with that "stuff".

Your genres are:

Drama: The juice here is people arguing (they dont have to scream, but intense conflict is good- you got a lot of happy scenes, bro)
Sci Fi: wierd stuff happening, you know what sci fi is...

I suggest studying the movie "Primer". Its an an indie drama/sci fi just like yours (its about time travel, but its also, ultimately, about a friendship breaking apart). Notice how much "genre juice" that movie has. Every scene is some heady sci-fi stuff or some sort of heated disagreement. We should always be studying films in our chosen genre/style.

If youre into drama I suggest studying more plays like those of David Mamet or Sam Shepard or Edward ALbee, Patrick Shanley... Plays will teach you how to do drama better (people arguing- a conflict using words, essentially), which will help with any genre you do of course. I just got finished myself with a collection of Shanley plays. Boy, great lessons in dialogue and conflict.

"Every scene is an argument"

- David Mamet

Maybe do a tighter, more concentrated edit, I say, as an exercise and learning experience.

Then...

Make another one with a structure something like this:

Sci-fi scene (sets up the conflict/problem immediately)
People arguing
Sci fi scene
People arguing
Sci-fi scene (climax/ending)

Just some thoughts.