Scriptwriting and story help needed

R

RedSpectrumPictures

Well-known member
I am not very good at coming up with ideas for short films, I am good at the technical side of filmmaking, but today I decided to have a go at coming up with a storyline for a short film. It's going to be a silent film with just visual storytelling and a soundtrack.

My basic idea is to have a male character and a female character both on their way home from office work in London, the film will show them on the underground train and a bus. Both characters stressed, tired and miserable from their dead end jobs, needing something different in their lifes. The film will show the characters as they make eye contact at each other, but neither makes the move to attempt to actually talk.

They then find out that they live next door to each other in a block of flats, she moved in the night before (cardboard boxes or something similar suggest this without having to use dialogue), and they talk to each other for the first time, both smiling, laughing, blushing - suggesting that they have found happiness in life.

The film will show be slow paced, with long duration shots that make the audience feel awkward, to help represent the minds of the characters, and then will end with happiness.

I hope I haven't confused everyone, but some opinions on my idea would be really good.
 
Coming up with ideas is like getting good at a sport...practice, practice, practice. When I set down to come up with ideas I toss the first two because odds are they've been done before.

What you're talking about is a directors story. A story sold in images. In this the idea sounds fine, but its success will be in the execution...the actual pictures taken. So these are hard to judge on paper. That being said you may want to write the whole story out and make sure you're happy with it before you go and break it all out into a shot list.
 
Hi Chris

Thanks for the reply. What I'll do now is try and write a rough story out in short sentences.
I was thinking about juxtaposing the two journeys throughout the edit, but not having them see each other till the ending scene in the flat - what do you think of that idea?
Or do you think it would be better to have the two journeys merge into one as the female joins the underground carriage that the male character is on?
 
Don't let me rain on your parade, but if you're going to roll with the idea you outlined, be very aware that it's been done to death, and like Chris said, your real focus here should be on surprising viewers with the execution. Since the story isn't entirely unique, give us something unique to look through (your perspective, your lens).

But before you get started, I'd suggest getting with a writer who is good at developing (short) stories. If you can tell the story you outlined with a unique and interesting (and most importantly, engaging) perspective, you'll interest a few people - mostly other filmmakers. But you've got the roots of a story, and it's got potential, and if you take the time and the effort to develop that potential, and then bring your own perspective to it, you'll have something really worth watching all the way through.

Hope that's helpful. Good luck, man.
 
"male character and a female character both on their way home from office work in London, the film will show them on the underground train and a bus. Both characters stressed, tired and miserable from their dead end jobs"

Story questions:

How do you demonstrate that they have "dead end jobs?" How does the audience know any of this stuff just by looking at people on a train?

What interesting things distinguish these people from other people?

What specific things made them miserable TODAY?


"needing something different in their lifes."

How do we receive this info?


"make eye contact at each other, but neither makes the move to attempt to actually talk."

Seen about 68,000 times previously. What makes it different?


" They then find out that they live next door to each other in a block of flats,"

Why? Not very bloody likely either.

" she moved in the night before (cardboard boxes or something similar suggest this without having to use dialogue), and they talk to each other for the first time, both smiling, laughing, blushing - suggesting that they have found happiness in life."

What if instead she is moving large boxes on the train, and can't handle the load? He has to help her?



" The film will show be slow paced"

Death.

"with long duration shots"

Sleeping audience.

"that make the audience feel awkward,"

In what way? Why?

" to help represent the minds of the characters",

Are they awkward with the opposite sex? Is that what you mean? Embarrassment? Do you need embarrassing moments?



 
The most important aspect of any story is dramatic irony. Instill it in your work at a base level and you'll breath life into it. This idea doesn't have it.
 
This guy knows what he is talking about. You are listing a lot of things that a technical guy would do to shoot a film, "look at how beautiful my shots are" but then the story suffers. I am not really seeing any conflict being resolved with this. They don't like their lives, that is somehow going to be fixed with both parties being burdened with the other person's issues? Granted this happens daily, the mistake in thinking that someone else is the answer to your problems, but I'm not sure if that is the message you want to convey in your non-narrative....

I see what you are going for, but this is a project that a student would do to master some filming concepts, like framing, aperture/focal crap, and color grading in post. This is not a good project for someone like you who has already "conquered" a lot of the technical aspects of filming. Go find a scene from a one act play and adjust it to your liking then film it, if you are not a strong writer. ALl your skills in every aspect will grow.

mail4joeg said:
"male character and a female character both on their way home from office work in London, the film will show them on the underground train and a bus. Both characters stressed, tired and miserable from their dead end jobs"

Story questions:

How do you demonstrate that they have "dead end jobs?" How does the audience know any of this stuff just by looking at people on a train?

What interesting things distinguish these people from other people?

What specific things made them miserable TODAY?


"needing something different in their lifes."

How do we receive this info?


"make eye contact at each other, but neither makes the move to attempt to actually talk."

Seen about 68,000 times previously. What makes it different?


" They then find out that they live next door to each other in a block of flats,"

Why? Not very bloody likely either.

" she moved in the night before (cardboard boxes or something similar suggest this without having to use dialogue), and they talk to each other for the first time, both smiling, laughing, blushing - suggesting that they have found happiness in life."

What if instead she is moving large boxes on the train, and can't handle the load? He has to help her?



" The film will show be slow paced"

Death.

"with long duration shots"

Sleeping audience.

"that make the audience feel awkward,"

In what way? Why?

" to help represent the minds of the characters",

Are they awkward with the opposite sex? Is that what you mean? Embarrassment? Do you need embarrassing moments?



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