Repentance

[chris f]

This is my first Scriptfest and my first time writing a script meant for public viewing, so hopefully everything makes sense!

 

[chris f]

*reserved for behind the scenes video, coming soon...*

 

[Russell Moore]

Welcome to the fest!

 

[jamiejay]

welcome! this is my third script and it is still a little nerve wracking putting my work out there for everyone to read, but it's good to get all of the constructive feedback. looking forward to the read!

jamie

 

[lawriejaffa]

Right okay Repentence

This was a little confusing - and I know you were not confused writing it - i have this sneaking feeling that it all makes perfect sense really Effectively, (SPOILERS) the husband has done something 'bad' and he is 'paying for it' via the big grizzly guy that ends up bumping him off?

For all its metaphor (the church service) and quite mature looking drama, if that is the point then its a little too simplistic surely? So there must be more! So I think this one was perhaps a little too ambiguis - if it wishes to remain adamantly metaphorical and subtle - then even that needs to be a little more pointed I think.

Unless its just me! Would you like to discuss some of your thinking behind this one Chris?

 

[Blaine]

Chris, sorry but there's something missing here. I'm not getting enough information about what's happening. It would appear that the Cavanaughs had some kind of secret that was weighing on them. It would also appear that the grizzled man and the Reverend were also in on what was happening. Only problem is the audience isn't.

What's here is well written and a good read. But in the end I was left hanging. I was with you right up to the end but it didn't deliver.

 

[nouou]

@chris f

hey, good script you wrote here. one thing that i liked about your script was that there was alot of mystery here. i think you ended it the way you did to keep what happened a mystery. i think it's good that you didn't give your characters names, mainly because they barely spoke, and it kept me (the reader) reading to see if i figure out what's going to happen, and who these guys are.

mystery = good. i liked your story.

 

[chris f]

Unless its just me! Would you like to discuss some of your thinking behind this one Chris?

Absolutely. I think I will let a little more feedback roll in before I start to elaborate, but thank you very much for your feedback (you too Blaine and nounou)

So far I have appreciated what has been said and have heard the things I want to hear. For now, I think my motivations and intentions were well summed up by nounou's feedback.

I want to give people a chance to give their unfiltered feedback first before I start talking about specifics. I've never written a script for other people to read so I feel it's very important to see what they think and where any miscommunications happened within the script before I explain. I can't wait to begin elaborating on my script though.

 

[DarkElastic]

Hi Chris, I've just read your script and enjoyed the read.

I thought it was very well written. I loved the fact that it was mainly actione and very little dialogue. It was really building, the almost quiet fight, the congregation, the wife going to speak... But then it just stops. What's the big secret. You spend all the script building to something and then don't tell us. If the wife had let us know, the script would have been complete. We would know why the husband and wife are upset and scared, we would know why the grizzly man is after the husband... But you give us nothing, so we leave the story confused.

I still enjoyed the read though. Well done.

 

[NJPage]

Hi Chris! On 1st read, I noted down - 'too much descriptive would benefit from more dialogue.
On 2nd read, I feel that this script might be better converted to a short story. Your command of the descriptive language is so good, but think that the tale could be told in continous prose adding more to the 'mystery' of the piece - and without necessarily explaining it all away... as more dialogue might be inclined to do.
Hope this makes a kind of sense to you. I enjoyed reading what you wrote, but less so as a script!?!

 

[Russell Moore]

I wished I had something new to offer, but I agree with most of whats been written already.
You write very well, descriptive, nice action, it all flows well.

I'm not one that needs all the answers and I don't mind an open ending, but I felt that this didn't give me anything really to even ponder, Because I didn't know what I should be thinking about.

I did think it was well written and I like that there was very little dialogue and you handled really well.

Thinking back on the story. I keep coming back to the small pistol that the well kept man had, he had opportunities to shoot the grizzled man , but never does. So I guess that makes me think, why? Why wouldn't he shoot him? Does he feel guilty? Is there some relationship between the two and he couldn't bring himself to shoot him or am I reading to much into it?

 

[TimCollins]

I'll pretty much just echo other's responses here.

Good, descriptive action sequences that were entertaining...

But at the end I just thought "...Huh?" It seems like a page got lost or something. It wasn't till I looked at others responses that some things became a little clearer.

It was well written but a few more clues as to why the action is happening would've been nice. Not a complete "shove it down your throat" explanation because I do like mystery elements but just a tid bit of clarification.

Also, try to make a habit of including the time of day in your sluglines.

It was a fun read though!

 

[chris f]

Thanks for the feedback guys, and keep it coming. I'll take as much as I can get.

And now for some answers:

So I think this one was perhaps a little too ambiguis - if it wishes to remain adamantly metaphorical and subtle - then even that needs to be a little more pointed I think.

I'm a sucker for balancing both sides of the mystery, so my thought of having the church service so blatantly mirror the situation with the grizzled man and the well-kept man was to tip the scale, getting the audience to think along the lines of "this can't really be that big of a coincidence can it? something else has got to be going on right?" hoping that this may lead some to think that the sermon may have been purposely orchestrated to set the events in motion.

I'm not getting enough information about what's happening. It would appear that the Cavanaughs had some kind of secret that was weighing on them. It would also appear that the grizzled man and the Reverend were also in on what was happening. Only problem is the audience isn't.

While frustrating the audience with not giving them enough is certainly not my goal (one I may have accomplished given some of the feedback), what you said here brought a smile to my face because this is exactly what I want the audience to wrestle with. I love being ambiguous (maybe to a fault) and wanted to leave the audience wondering what in the world did the Cavanaughs do to cause all this and was it possible that the Reverend was in on the whole thing or just coincidence?

You spend all the script building to something and then don't tell us. If the wife had let us know, the script would have been complete.

But what would the fun be in that? After erring on the side of telling and explaining too much within the film with my first few short films, I've found myself being attracted more to open endings and viewer interpretation. Maybe I'm falling short on this or maybe it would be better executed with the actual film as opposed to the script?

I thought it was very well written. I loved the fact that it was mainly action and very little dialogue. It was really building, the almost quiet fight, the congregation, the wife going to speak...

i think it's good that you didn't give your characters names, mainly because they barely spoke, and it kept me (the reader) reading to see if i figure out what's going to happen, and who these guys are.

I did think it was well written and I like that there was very little dialogue and you handled really well.

Good, descriptive action sequences that were entertaining...

I'm extremely thrilled to hear this. I've never written an action sequence or a non-dialogue piece before and have always told myself that I could never write or direct an action sequence. I think one of my big influences in writing this film was the film Seraphim Falls. If you've seen it you know that the film is almost all action and no dialogue but somehow keeps a great tension and pace to it. I tried to track down the script so I can see how they did it, but couldn't find it anywhere, so I just tried my best to be descriptive without being too dull.

 

[chris f]

On 2nd read, I feel that this script might be better converted to a short story. Your command of the descriptive language is so good, but think that the tale could be told in continous prose adding more to the 'mystery' of the piece - and without necessarily explaining it all away... as more dialogue might be inclined to do.

Agreed. The great advantage of the short story format is that you have the opportunity to better explain the character's motives and history without having to go all soap opera and have the characters explain their thoughts out loud. I've never written a serious short story, so maybe this would be a good exercise.

I keep coming back to the small pistol that the well kept man had, he had opportunities to shoot the grizzled man , but never does. So I guess that makes me think, why? Why wouldn't he shoot him? Does he feel guilty? Is there some relationship between the two and he couldn't bring himself to shoot him or am I reading to much into it?

I'm glad you brought this up. I had never thought of this before and I'm not sure why the well-kept man wouldn't have just shot him when he had the chance. Maybe he thought the young girl might still be close by? I definitely need to figure this out for my next draft. In all honesty I gave the character a gun to satisfy the "gunfight" requirement, but maybe it would make more sense if it was some other type of weapon, that way shooting the grizzled man would never be an option? Either that or I need to create a good reason within the script as to why he wouldn't have shot him then.

Also, try to make a habit of including the time of day in your sluglines.

Will do.


Keep the feedback coming! Thanks everyone!

 

[Mark C]

Wow! I really loved how you have the preacher speaking about turning the other check while there is a murder playing out in the background. Brilliant! It's well described and will keep everyone glued throughout. Just my humble opinion here but I have to agree with the other suggestions on giving us the low down on what this guy did to deserve a church assassination. Must have been something nasty. The set up is there with his wife at the end and it seems like it would make this story perfect. Nice job Chris!

 

[lawriejaffa]

So Chris f what are your plans for this script - cos you've had some feedback about the clarity of what's going on? Are you thinking of doing more work on this to make the story clearer - and if so in what way - are you going to punch us out a plot - or you thinking of revealing more abstract metaphor as it were (to kinda point us more in the right direction?)

 

[MrKilloran]

Such great descriptive language, especially:

The well-kept man gurgles and his body flops wildly like a fish gasping for air. His fingernails scrape splinters from the floor as blood vessels in his eyes begin bursting. He strains to his left and his eyes fix on the bloodied cross. His body jerks one last time and his eyes cease functioning.

Enjoyed this. The well-dressed man's death is visceral and quite detailed but there is barely any dialogue to balance any of these actions out and give us anything. Maybe if the action gave away some things it wouldn't have been so ambiguous. I'm not saying ambiguity is a bad thing, it works, but there's a point where the audience has put their faith in a story and giving them nothing is unfair, slip a clue here or there.

The open ending is fine, I just felt I was left with nothing to grasp onto. It's some good work that can only be made greater with some small improvements here or there.

Nice work :beer:

 

[chris f]

So Chris f what are your plans for this script - cos you've had some feedback about the clarity of what's going on? Are you thinking of doing more work on this to make the story clearer - and if so in what way - are you going to punch us out a plot - or you thinking of revealing more abstract metaphor as it were (to kinda point us more in the right direction?)

I'm still running a few ideas around in my head of how I can improve the script and give the viewer more without giving too much or taking away from the mystery. I've wrestled with the idea of changing the ending to something of the effect that the church completely forgives Sister Cavanaugh to the surprise of the Reverend, relieving her of all her inner turmoil that she and the Well-kept Man have been so heavily burdened with. As soon as the Reverend sees this unexpected forgiveness he looks up to see the Grizzled Man with the now unnecessary result of killing the Well-kept Man and is confronted with his own terrible sin.

I kind of like the idea of the added irony of this ending but if I go this route, there is no doubt that the Reverend and the Grizzled Man had conspired together and I'm not sure if that's something I want to make so concrete. Currently I have left that idea open to debate and it's one that I don't even have a definite answer to.

Decisions, decisions.

 

[Russell Moore]

The idea of the Grizzled man having to face his own sins, sounds like an interesting angle.

If the gun has no significance, then you could replace it with another weapon, now that you won't have to worry about a scene requirement. It could be even more profound if there was some underlying reason he wouldn't want to kill him.

Sounds like you have some interesting ideas and what you have is written very well, so it could be something really special.

 

[jamiejay]

i have to echo the sentiments of those who reviewed before me... i love a mystery where not everything is revealed... but i think too much was left out here.

also the "grizzled man"/"well-kept man" did get a little annoying after a while... names could easily fix this for me.

i do like the idea of a fight in the middle of a church service and you had good action in the script... you should definitely keep writing. glad you entered!

jamie