fabiorocker
Member
Hello,I want you tosee myfirst short film, andhear your opinions, thanks!
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SHORT: RED OCEAN - My first shortfilm
- Thread starter fabiorocker
- Start date
ZazaCast
Major Contributor
Very good first effort (way better then my first film!). I think you could use a bit of color correction from scene to scene. You were very creative with your shot choices.
Didn't care for the 'hand in the black glove stuff', but that's just me. Great credits treatment. Well done, welcome to the forum & I look forward to seeing more from you.
Be sure to keep an eye out for the next DVXFest and make a film for it!
Didn't care for the 'hand in the black glove stuff', but that's just me. Great credits treatment. Well done, welcome to the forum & I look forward to seeing more from you.
Be sure to keep an eye out for the next DVXFest and make a film for it!
fabiorocker
Member
Thank you very much!
fabiorocker
Member
No one else?
richke
Well-known member
You need to read the guidlines...this should not be posted in this forum. There is another location for this, this section is for prgress and helpful info on how your project went. There are rules on at the top of this forum section. Just a heads up.
Film
It looks well shot for your first film...way more "professional" looking than my first.
Film
It looks well shot for your first film...way more "professional" looking than my first.
the reverb for the "thinking" part is good you used it there.
going from 1:53 to 1:54, I hear the half sound of a car... make the soundtrack longer or make a longer crossfade to make it smoother. If someone shouted "CUT" to fast, remove the "half car sound" and put another similar sound that fits.
the "What?" was that recorded somewhere else ?
I think the guy with the stick was so afraid to hurt the other guy that he moved slowly.... But that's why there exist stuntpeople.... and fighting choreographers etc...
It was better to have more cuts here to make it more real. One shot where the other guy is 5m away but it looks like the stick hit him, then another shot where the stick almost touches,
Hit sounds is not just "one sound"....hit sounds are many layers.
gun shot at the end...doesn't fit actually...the delay is to long for being in that room...
going from 1:53 to 1:54, I hear the half sound of a car... make the soundtrack longer or make a longer crossfade to make it smoother. If someone shouted "CUT" to fast, remove the "half car sound" and put another similar sound that fits.
the "What?" was that recorded somewhere else ?
I think the guy with the stick was so afraid to hurt the other guy that he moved slowly.... But that's why there exist stuntpeople.... and fighting choreographers etc...
It was better to have more cuts here to make it more real. One shot where the other guy is 5m away but it looks like the stick hit him, then another shot where the stick almost touches,
Hit sounds is not just "one sound"....hit sounds are many layers.
gun shot at the end...doesn't fit actually...the delay is to long for being in that room...
Sunk99
Well-known member
All that work I think deserves more comments.
Here is a review from a screenwriter perspective.
Plot:
Main character wakes up bound and gagged without knowledge of how or why. 00:00 - 1:20
*How does audience know if this character is good or bad and why do we care?
Main character is hit in head with bat 1:20 - 2:20
*Does audience know this character is the same as the bound one as he has lots of tape on his face. I didn't connect the two.
*Baseball swing was to slow to knock someone out. Might have hit in face to as he was turning.
*One minute of a 9 minute film is just walking to get hit by bat (phone conversation is not taken as retained information)
*Black transition is long - didn't work to depict a flash back
*Later discovered long transitions are supposed to be a flash backs.
Strangulation scene 2:20-4:15
*A lot of time spent showing how to find a key and open a door
4:15-5:30
*A lot of time spent establishing to point where female is aware someone maybe in house
5:30-5:50 stalking
5:50-6:01
*Actual strangulation time 11 seconds
Boss meeting 6:00-7:30
*Another long black transition
*Two people other than boss, who are they? Later learned who one is, but why the other?
Accused of killing wife 7:43-8:00
*another very long black transition - didn't work to depict a flash back
*Wife was strangled woman?
Flashback 8:00
*No transition for flashback
Return to scene 8:10
Flashback 8:11
*Transition is a fade in to strangle scene - good
Return to scene 8:16
Flashback 8:19
*Transition is fade to boss meeting scene and reveal main character is killer (who was other guy)
Return to scene 8:25-8:40
*Fade to black and shoot killer
Credits 8:40-9:37
*Long black transition
Slugline: A man is knocked out and kidnapped for unknown reasons. He suffers short term memory loss.
Flashbacks reveal he is a hit-man and the kidnapper is a relative of one of his hits.
The relative kills the hit-man.
Story: There is a plot, but little story. The hit-mans identity being withheld and revealed in flashbacks,
does not alter the need for story and character conflict. The only character conflict is revealed at the end
when the hit-man is killed by the relative. Cinema wise the biggest issue was not losing the viewer
with the flash backs. Needed something more than the long fades. Script wise - needs lots of
work on story. Careful of day in the life. A killer murders. We expect that. It doesn't make a story.
Overall: All in all a great first short. Looking forward to more.
Here is a review from a screenwriter perspective.
Plot:
Main character wakes up bound and gagged without knowledge of how or why. 00:00 - 1:20
*How does audience know if this character is good or bad and why do we care?
Main character is hit in head with bat 1:20 - 2:20
*Does audience know this character is the same as the bound one as he has lots of tape on his face. I didn't connect the two.
*Baseball swing was to slow to knock someone out. Might have hit in face to as he was turning.
*One minute of a 9 minute film is just walking to get hit by bat (phone conversation is not taken as retained information)
*Black transition is long - didn't work to depict a flash back
*Later discovered long transitions are supposed to be a flash backs.
Strangulation scene 2:20-4:15
*A lot of time spent showing how to find a key and open a door
4:15-5:30
*A lot of time spent establishing to point where female is aware someone maybe in house
5:30-5:50 stalking
5:50-6:01
*Actual strangulation time 11 seconds
Boss meeting 6:00-7:30
*Another long black transition
*Two people other than boss, who are they? Later learned who one is, but why the other?
Accused of killing wife 7:43-8:00
*another very long black transition - didn't work to depict a flash back
*Wife was strangled woman?
Flashback 8:00
*No transition for flashback
Return to scene 8:10
Flashback 8:11
*Transition is a fade in to strangle scene - good
Return to scene 8:16
Flashback 8:19
*Transition is fade to boss meeting scene and reveal main character is killer (who was other guy)
Return to scene 8:25-8:40
*Fade to black and shoot killer
Credits 8:40-9:37
*Long black transition
Slugline: A man is knocked out and kidnapped for unknown reasons. He suffers short term memory loss.
Flashbacks reveal he is a hit-man and the kidnapper is a relative of one of his hits.
The relative kills the hit-man.
Story: There is a plot, but little story. The hit-mans identity being withheld and revealed in flashbacks,
does not alter the need for story and character conflict. The only character conflict is revealed at the end
when the hit-man is killed by the relative. Cinema wise the biggest issue was not losing the viewer
with the flash backs. Needed something more than the long fades. Script wise - needs lots of
work on story. Careful of day in the life. A killer murders. We expect that. It doesn't make a story.
Overall: All in all a great first short. Looking forward to more.
I mostly only comment on sound and the film in general. Because I like to leave the "story", "light", "image" parts to the people who have more knowledge about those
and can give better tips and hints.
Although I sometimes comment on image or editing also, but that's when I like it or when I can give some tips that I self learned from others. (by watching them or school...)
and can give better tips and hints.
Although I sometimes comment on image or editing also, but that's when I like it or when I can give some tips that I self learned from others. (by watching them or school...)
I agree with Zaza; this was a good first effort at a short film (better than my first too). Unfortunately, the biggest flaw to this was the script. When a short film is mainly predicated on a twist/surprise at the end to lend it meaning - for me, it fails. The true test of a short film is will it hold up to subsequent viewings ? That's probably why I have such a high standard for short films. Although it's become mainstream to use a twist, instead of decent story (you see it everywhere nowadays from top festivals to fests here) it doesn't mean it's de rigueur. Buck that silly trend. If you still want to use it, then I'd look at Hitchcock's films and how he dispenses information to the audience. By giving the audience just enough information to know more than the actors on screen, but not enough to know what's going to happen next, he builds suspense. For example, it you edited it to show the woman in the kitchen, intercut with the man outside as he tried to gain entry; it would be more suspenseful. If you want to do what you did then it may help to come up with something more intriguing than one pov of someone trying to gain entry - for example, intercut other shots from other locations, actors, audio cues, or make the entry more interesting unto itself. Here is where looking at your script with the audience in mind could help during rewrites.
The voice over in the beginning didn't work - I know you had to use it to set up the surprise, but after watching the film it becomes apparent the only reason it's there is to set up the surprise. The cart leads the horse.
Aside from that, just a few things I noticed included the fx noise didn't match the edit when you saw him appear from the kitchen. There was a pause, like he dropped something. And her response to the intruder seemed pretty tame. She woulda' fought more. The colour grade was inconsistent, and the exterior shots need to be brought down cg'd to extract more detail. For directing I would just try and emphasize using motivated shots (example, not pulling focus frequently just because you can).
Some of the things I did like was the shot of the swing with the sound effects. It was a nice composition and set up the location. Your having her in the kitchen with the knife was a good call to keep the audience guessing. Technically, it was pretty good for a first short film.
Ps - Revenge films usually have to start out with giving the audience a rooting interest for the perpetrators to be given their comeuppance, so if you're going to do another one, maybe try that approach ?
Just a few suggestions.
Pps - dre83, I think it's wonderful how much you comment in this section of the forum, whether it's on sound or other aspects. I wish more people commented here I thank all those who do.
Cheers
The voice over in the beginning didn't work - I know you had to use it to set up the surprise, but after watching the film it becomes apparent the only reason it's there is to set up the surprise. The cart leads the horse.
Aside from that, just a few things I noticed included the fx noise didn't match the edit when you saw him appear from the kitchen. There was a pause, like he dropped something. And her response to the intruder seemed pretty tame. She woulda' fought more. The colour grade was inconsistent, and the exterior shots need to be brought down cg'd to extract more detail. For directing I would just try and emphasize using motivated shots (example, not pulling focus frequently just because you can).
Some of the things I did like was the shot of the swing with the sound effects. It was a nice composition and set up the location. Your having her in the kitchen with the knife was a good call to keep the audience guessing. Technically, it was pretty good for a first short film.
Ps - Revenge films usually have to start out with giving the audience a rooting interest for the perpetrators to be given their comeuppance, so if you're going to do another one, maybe try that approach ?
Just a few suggestions.
Pps - dre83, I think it's wonderful how much you comment in this section of the forum, whether it's on sound or other aspects. I wish more people commented here
I thank all those who do.Cheers
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Haha, I'm sure director's are happy to have those specialized "ears" of yours.
I just thought I'd give a shout out (moderate volume dolby 5.0) for your contribution, both sound and otherwise.
Ps - There's a lot of good suggestions on this thread, and I look forward to fabiorocker's next effort. Italia!
edit: dolby 5.1 boom goes the dynamite
I just thought I'd give a shout out (moderate volume dolby 5.0
) for your contribution, both sound and otherwise. Ps - There's a lot of good suggestions on this thread, and I look forward to fabiorocker's next effort. Italia!
edit: dolby 5.1
boom goes the dynamite
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