PRIME by Michael Anthony Horrigan

Thanks, Mark. Don't get your hopes up though. It was thrown together at the very last minute. I just felt compelled to enter something.

I enjoyed writing it though. It's a story that has been kicking around in my skull for quite some time. :)
 
Well, your stories are always unique, so even if it's a work in progress, this might be a good place for you to shake it out.
 
Damn, Mike, could it BE any more epic? What you have here is not so much a short film as the first ten minutes of a major intergalactic throwdown. :)
 
I'd show less of the first alien. Keep's it more of a mystery when you do finally reveal. Once you gave a description of the alien in it's space ship, I figured it wasn't there to harm your main character.
 
Mobie540 said:
I'd show less of the first alien. Keep's it more of a mystery when you do finally reveal. Once you gave a description of the alien in it's space ship, I figured it wasn't there to harm your main character.
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That's cool. I didn't really intend for it to be a surprise. Obviously the character being chased has no idea, but I did let the audience in on it early I thought.
As well as the condition of the Alien.

I still believe that not everyone will get that right off the bat though. Still, in no way was it intended as a "gotcha" reveal.

Thanks for reading!

Mike
 
Mr. Horrigan!

This was a fun little read. It's chock full of narrtive though but it's really good and easy to read narritive. Very visual.

I agree with Mobie540's suggestion that you should consider skipping past the first scene with the alien and just jump right to Michael's discovery of the crash. It may be an intersting take just to start with Michael investigating the crash in the woods and let us discover with him what is happening and what he is seeing

Cut right to the chase as it were. ;)

Also consider dropping the "continues" from the script. They are no longer necessary and in Final Draft that option can be turned off.

Keep up the "stellar" work, sir. (Sorry, couldn't help myself.)
 
Thanks. It's definitely a creative choice. I chose to reveal the Alien to the audience before Michael actually sees it. I wanted them to know what was coming to a certain degree, and what shape it was in.

I can see it working the other way though. It would definitely cause a little more suspense I'm sure. That's what I love about the editing process. I have yet to have a short movie play out exactly as scripted. I always make changes during post. Maybe your suggestion would be one of those changes.

Thanks for reading! Glad you liked it.

Mike
 
aegriffin said:
Also consider dropping the "continues" from the script. They are no longer necessary and in Final Draft that option can be turned off.

Keep up the "stellar" work, sir. (Sorry, couldn't help myself.)
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PS- I'm not sure if I can turn this off in Celtx. It also seems that only some pages have it?

Thanks again.

Mike
 
Well..all the detail put into the chase part seemed to slow the pacing down just a little bit. But once I got to the part where the Alien started talking telepathically to Prime, it seemed to make up for it. Gave me that wow factor. Well told story. Good ole American epic superhero movie. No real constructive criticism to give. Good job.
 
There was a comic like this in the 80s. I used to love it, but it was only around for a while.

I guess if I had any criticism, it would be that the script read a little like direction. What I mean is, that whole chase section is more blocking to me, and not really script stuff. Not really content. It was definitely fun, but nothing specific to the story really happened in that whole section, and I think you could have just as easily written: "The Alien chases him through the forest," and then let the director block the chase.

Or have some actual story stuff happen in there during the chase. Like give us some more specific examples of why THIS kid gets it. I know the running and reflexes and all, but that stuff didn't hit me as quite specific enough.

Or, like for the Alien, maybe have that chase be a test. And the kid's reactions to the chase will determine whether or not the Alien really think he is worthy.

Just an idea, but I think that chase needs some more content.

I always love your stuff!
 
STYLZ said:
Well..all the detail put into the chase part seemed to slow the pacing down just a little bit. But once I got to the part where the Alien started talking telepathically to Prime, it seemed to make up for it. Gave me that wow factor. Well told story. Good ole American epic superhero movie. No real constructive criticism to give. Good job.
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Wow. Thanks, man.

Glad you liked it. :)
 
Mark Harris said:
There was a comic like this in the 80s. I used to love it, but it was only around for a while.

I guess if I had any criticism, it would be that the script read a little like direction. What I mean is, that whole chase section is more blocking to me, and not really script stuff. Not really content. It was definitely fun, but nothing specific to the story really happened in that whole section, and I think you could have just as easily written: "The Alien chases him through the forest," and then let the director block the chase.

Or have some actual story stuff happen in there during the chase. Like give us some more specific examples of why THIS kid gets it. I know the running and reflexes and all, but that stuff didn't hit me as quite specific enough.

Or, like for the Alien, maybe have that chase be a test. And the kid's reactions to the chase will determine whether or not the Alien really think he is worthy.

Just an idea, but I think that chase needs some more content.

I always love your stuff!
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Almost missed this one as we posted a minute apart. I like the idea of adding in the fact that the chase is actually part of a test. That sounds like a good idea.

I disagree that I could have summed up the whole chase in one line. I wanted to show that Michael cared enough about his dog not to leave him. I also wanted it clear that the blasts of light were not blowing apart trees in the process. And finally, the audience got a glimpse into the aliens view of the world via the Heads Up Display.

I read a lot of comics growing up so there probably is some influence for sure.

To sum up... making the chase scene part of a test to see if he is worthy of receiving the power of the star is a nice addition. I like it.

Thanks again,

Mike
 
Michael Anthony Horrigan said:
LOL! :)

Thanks. I hope that means you liked it.
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I did, yes! My only question would be, did you try to cram too much into it? It's certainly chock full of big-budget goodness.

My only other question (I guess I lied about that being the only one) would be... do you need the voice-over at the beginning? All it seems to do is justify him moving to the telescope, but do you really need the telescope? The falling object passes so close to him anyway that the telescope seems beside the point.

Otherwise, it's super delicious!
 
Farnsworth said:
I did, yes! My only question would be, did you try to cram too much into it? It's certainly chock full of big-budget goodness.

My only other question (I guess I lied about that being the only one) would be... do you need the voice-over at the beginning? All it seems to do is justify him moving to the telescope, but do you really need the telescope? The falling object passes so close to him anyway that the telescope seems beside the point.

Otherwise, it's super delicious!
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Thanks!

Well, I guess I just wanted to point out that he felt compelled to look up at the stars that night. Almost as if some sort of extra sense was pulling him in the right direction. I could lose that part though, you're right.

Funny story, when I was younger I sometimes played a Role Playing Game that went by the name of Champions. It was a Superhero RPG.

A buddy of mine had a character by the name of Prime, he loved the transformers. His character flew and had powers based on a star. He had a star on his chest as part of the uniform. I remember distinctly that we were facing this huge robotic enemy and he put everything he had into this one attack. It was called "pushing it" I believe in the rulebook.

Anyway, right before he rolled he said... "Now you will feel the true power of a star!" He was really into it. :)

He rolled a PILE of six sided dice for damage and almost every one of them came up sixes.

It was a cool/geeky moment that I'll probably always remember. :laugh:

Definitely an inspiration.

Mike
 
Michael Anthony Horrigan said:
PS- I'm not sure if I can turn this off in Celtx. It also seems that only some pages have it?
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I believe you can. When you're on the Typeset tab, choose the "Format Options" menu, and look under "Mores and Continueds". It lets you customize what goes where.

I personally don't have a problem with them being there. Pretty standard formatting, AFAIK.
 
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