One Last Favor

Ezekiel667

Ezekiel667

Well-known member
One Last Favor -

Loyalty draws a gunslinger out of retirement for one final job.

I've had the script done for two weeks, I just couldn't think of a title haha. My first Scriptfest entry, so hopefully I get some good feedback.
 
Second draft pretty much finished. I can't seem to get this below 10 pages, every time I cut something that isn't needed to lower the page count, another good idea pops into my head that brings it right back up. Damn imagination! Haha. All that's left is some tweaking before the deadline and I'll be ready to go.
 
Just read it! first one!

I loved the story. I thought it would be to cramped for 10 pages, but you pulled it off great. The action sequenses and dialogue are great and it was a real page turner.

Good structure and you keep the interest throughout the story and the characters are well developed.


all in all great job!
 
Hey there mate!

Look at this poor thread sitting at the back here! Well I quite enjoyed this - its classic fare but slickly presented and quite stylised too. I can imagine directing this with a dark gothic style, natural light draping in... dust, sepia like tones.

The story is essentially quite simple but you pull everything you can out of it to make it feel more complex than it has any right to be haha and it works just fine.

I like the presentation of Drake, the relationship we glimpse between him and his old friend is convincing albeit its consequences are grim. We get a hint of age - with elements of No Country for Old Men, Unforgiven and others peeking in!

There is great potential here for a few profound lines to peek in - to give this film script a more philisophical twang about the issues (that it reveals the consequences of visually.) Ie. the rise of youth - the cycle of violence and the dying old breed.

The visuals and atmosphere for the scenes are great - i could really visualise it with this one and especially enjoyed the dark confrontation at the start. I have to admit that i did require a 2nd read just to get the physicalities of your description right, and i think the gunfight in which Drake escapes from Maxwell - while cool - could be a little more modest! That old dude really massacres these guys and i think if he killed a few less in his escape it would be in keeping with the more somber atmosphere of the piece!

So mon amie an enjoyable gem hidden here!
 
Hi Ezekeil, just read your script, thansk for the read.

I thought it opens with a bang. It is a really good scene with a great conclusion and then we jump back to find out why this encounted occurred. Your characters were believable and had depth. I thought your script had excellent structure and made it easy to read.
I think this script suffers from the ten page limit (like others in this Fest), there are aspects of the story that aren't explained - why does Monroe ow Drake, what does the ring signify - and I feel a page or so extra and this would have been a complete story.

Overall though and very good script, a pleasure to read, just needs a bit more explaination so we underrstand motives. Well done.
 
Hi there! Well, I enjoyed this even more on 2nd read. Agree wit DarkElastic - it would have added to the script to know why Monroe owed Drake and the ring thing...
AND there was a comma missing on page 6, hehe.
One thing though - watch naming the two main characters with similar sounding names. Maxwell... Monroe???
Thanks for a good read!
 
Hey, just read it, and I love the way you structured it. It was nice to read a non-linear story for a change.

Having the end at the beginning and bringing it full circle really made for a more enjoyable read and as DarkElastic said it opens with a bang!

Good writing, dialogue and formatting here.

I don't mind so much not knowing why Monroe owed Drake because it leaves it open to interpretation/speculation. The fact that Monroe says "I owe you my life will, we all do" signifies that Drake had done something heroic. And same with the ring I like to be able to imagine to myself what it would be about. Those parts didn't really feel like they needed to be answered necessarily because I felt the situation between Drake and his son and the loyalty of Monroe were the real points. It's like the contents of the briefcase in Pulp Fiction, it's fun to imagine it for yourself.

Anyway, I loved the structuring - made for a fun read! Good job, man.
 
Great opening scene. Well structured and well written.

I was fine with not knowing why Monroe owed Drake. But I wanted a little more about the gold ring, I felt there was more there and I wasn't getting it.

Nice descriptions throughout and I like how it ended with Monroe sitting outside the town. Good visuals. I enyoyed this one. Nice work!
 
Thanks everyone! It's awesome to hear all these good things being said about my script, especially from you guys!

As for the ring, and Monroe's debt to Drake, I wanted to leave it open to speculation, a little Pulp Fiction-y. Had I had more pages to work with I probably would have explained both of those things, but I think with the 10 page limit it worked out pretty well.

Thanks again guys!
 
Opening scene was killer, nicely done, but The Maxwell - Monroe name situation, just be careful with how closely similar the names are because keeping apart which one was which ruins the flow a bit.

The non-linear thing works for the most part and for the 10 page limit this was good, I felt the second scene dragged a little, might have just been the dialogue from the MAN.

Some good action and
MAXWELL (CONT’D)
Well, well, what have we here?
(Crouches)
Click to expand...
should be written as action not parenthetical? - Maxwell crouches down - it's not necessary but that's just my technical preference. Great closing scene also, liked him on the outskirts going off to die. Tighten it up here or there and then maybe you could get into some more details about Monroe and Drake's past cause damn it I want to know haha. :beer:
 
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Just finished reading your script. I like the visuals of the opening to a point. I had a problem, though. You describe the town in the flash of lightning thusly:
A brief flash of lightning illuminates the almost empty streets. Leaning against the rim of a large fountain is a badly wounded man, he is travel-worn and rugged with age, JAMES MONROE.
Click to expand...
Okay so far. But then you turn right around and say:
Standing a few yards away, with a score of men at his back, is a clean-cut, well dressed man in his late 30’s, MAXWELL BRODY.
Click to expand...
I'd hardly call Maxwell and his twenty men as leaving the streets almost empty.

I'm also surprised that when Monroe made his move on Maxwell that Maxwell's men didn't react and kill Monroe right there. Why bother having bodyguard if they're not going to guard you? But okay, I'll go with it.

Next, you take us back a week. (I'll be referencing this again, later.) The MAN meets Monroe and offers him the job. I'm not sure how the MAN got back to Drake's ranch so much faster than Monroe. Perhaps, a throw away line of dialogue between the MAN and Monroe could have accounted for the time delay. "I've got something to settle first, I'll be there in a couple of days."

I see you're located in R.I. You don't find brooks in the desert. An occasional river perhaps, but anything as small as a brook will end up a dry wash.

I like that Maxwell threw the ring at Drake and that Drake gives the ring to Monroe to show Maxwell who is responsible for his imminent death.

With the exceptions of these small nagging things I thought you put together an interesting story.

Now, back to the earlier reference I promised to get back to. You took us back a week earlier to let us know how Monroe got to the job of killing Maxwell. Then you bring us back to:
INT. DRAKE HOMESTEAD - DAY (PRESENT TIME)
Drake is now standing at the window. Monroe is still sitting on the couch, but he is leaned forward, deep in thought.
Click to expand...
but that's not really present time. It's still in the past, before Monroe faces off with Maxwell. In fact, you never quite bring us back to present time. It looks like you bring us back to the day of the face off, though, as Monroe rides into town with the storm clouds brewing on the horizon.

All the things I brought up, pulled me from the story, questioning them. Otherwise, they'd have been no big deal.

Still, all-in-all, it was a fun read.
 
Blaine, thanks so much for the in depth review. I understand the points you made, and agree with them. I am indeed in R.I. haha, so sorry for that brook in the desert mix up. If I had polished it a bit more maybe some of the other problems would have been smoothed out, but I'm working on a few things and this script fell into the backburner unfortunately. But thanks again for the time you put into reviewing my script.

And as for the Maxwell-Monroe name similarity problem, I don't normally use names that sound alike, but the fact that I used Monroe's last name and Maxwell's first name did make them sound alike. I'll keep that in mind for future scripts.
 
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Great story!
I loved how you introduced that ring and then brought it back to that in the end. This was easy to follow, well constructed and very enjoyable to read. It really feels like it pays off in the end so the structure of the whole thing worked well for me. I'd agree with maybe trying to put a bit of distance between the name similarities of Monroe and Maxwell but I really enjoyed this story either way. Nice job!
 
i loved it. great structure. nice change of pace from the rest of the entries.

i didn't understand why the guards didn't shoot monroe the moment he made his move. that didn't feel right in me ole' mind's eye...

left me wondering what the hell kind of debt you'd have to incur to willingly partake in a suicide mission you had no stake in...and i gotta admit this omission left me more annoyed than intrigued although i suspect i'll probably be in the minority there.

still, a fine read.
 
Yep I think this is one of the 'overlooked' gems of the contest - room for improvement (like everybody right) but it establishes a great gothic like mood with its great confrontation.
 
arroway said:
i didn't understand why the guards didn't shoot monroe the moment he made his move. that didn't feel right in me ole' mind's eye...
Click to expand...

A few people I had read it said the same thing, while writing it I had the reason in my mind, but never made it clear in the script itself.

The flashback sequence with Maxwell and Drake was where I wanted to put it, and I kind of did, but not well enough so people could get it. When Maxwell's guards get edgy when he begins laughing I wanted that to show that his guards are almost deathly afraid of him and his violent tendencies, so when he was going one on one with a sworn opponent, like Monroe, his men knew not to interfere unless instructed in fear of getting shot by Maxwell in the aftermath.

To get all that from just a sentence I wrote is pretty much impossible, but that's what I wanted the readers to get out of it. I'll try and make my points clearer in the next Fest.
 
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