RodThompson
Veteran
No time travel. I get that fix from LOST.
Just a simple riddle, with a more rounded answer to fit the scenario.
Just a simple riddle, with a more rounded answer to fit the scenario.
...on Friday.
- Thread starter RodThompson
- Start date
RodThompson
Veteran
I AM SO PISSED! I just looked at my script and found errors.
ERRORS! NOOOOOOO!
ERRORS! NOOOOOOO!
lawriejaffa
Veteran
Oh we all usually do Rod don't sweat it 
This was a decent yarn - with particular highlights for me being the convincing father and son banter, and the simple but effective structure of the story and action oh and of course the actual riddle itself and its role in the story!
There was nothing that struck me as 'oh this i dont like' in the script! Let's see what bits could maybe have more etc in them imo?
Do you think it might benefit from more even more intensity in the scenes with the bandits and the boy at the start - that they in fact end up physically trying to seize him (before one is shot.) Or that they are playing with the idea of using the boy in some kind of sadistic game to amuse themselves (beyond the boys perception but well within the fathers.)
The ending dialogue of 'stranger' with his 'closure monologue' of the heart - could perhaps be a little bit overly sentimental? Not that its unwarranted given the characters circumstances, but its a bit out of keeping with his hardman intimidation/dark talk at the bar before hand?
Both of which are hardly huge points in my estimation hehe and in all an enjoyable romp good sir!
This was a decent yarn - with particular highlights for me being the convincing father and son banter, and the simple but effective structure of the story and action oh and of course the actual riddle itself and its role in the story!
There was nothing that struck me as 'oh this i dont like' in the script! Let's see what bits could maybe have more etc in them imo?
Do you think it might benefit from more even more intensity in the scenes with the bandits and the boy at the start - that they in fact end up physically trying to seize him (before one is shot.) Or that they are playing with the idea of using the boy in some kind of sadistic game to amuse themselves (beyond the boys perception but well within the fathers.)
The ending dialogue of 'stranger' with his 'closure monologue' of the heart - could perhaps be a little bit overly sentimental? Not that its unwarranted given the characters circumstances, but its a bit out of keeping with his hardman intimidation/dark talk at the bar before hand?
Both of which are hardly huge points in my estimation hehe and in all an enjoyable romp good sir!
RodThompson
Veteran
Thanks! That means a lot coming from a man of your stature.
Ezekiel667
Well-known member
I really liked it. I agree with lawrie. The dialogue between the father and son was really good, and the dialogue in the bar was excellent as well. I like that you gunfight was in a high speed wagon chase. Wasn't expecting one of those haha. The riddle aspect pulled the entire script together IMO, especially the final lines of dialogue you have, chilling and badass all at the same time.
Great job man!
Great job man!
RodThompson
Veteran
Thanks Zeke!
Blaine
Mr. Hollywood
A simple straightforward story well done. I think we all know who the stranger is when he enters the bar, but then the story isn't trying to hide it. In fact, we need to know, to make the story work. Again, simple but effective dialogue. I could see this one being shot for a DVXUser fest. I think it could be reworked to fit the 6 minute format without losing its punch. There is nothing in here that is not doable on a modest budget, depending on one's location. Here in SoCal I'm sure it could be done.
Did the story dazzle me? No. But it DID entertain me. It was a very quick read...lot's of white space without feeling like talking heads.
Good job.
Did the story dazzle me? No. But it DID entertain me. It was a very quick read...lot's of white space without feeling like talking heads.
Good job.
TimCollins
Well-known member
Hey man, I thought this was a good, uncomplicated story and a fun read.
Your dialogue was great; easy and fun to read. Especially some of the lines from the Stranger at the end. I had just watched The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly before these were released for viewing, so I totally pictured some of those lines coming from Eastwood.
One thing though, at the end when the Stranger explains that he made up his own answer for the riddle, I don't really follow his explanation there. But despite not following it, the way it was worded was great and takes me back to the Eastwood point.
Overall: a fun read, goob job brosef!
Your dialogue was great; easy and fun to read. Especially some of the lines from the Stranger at the end. I had just watched The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly before these were released for viewing, so I totally pictured some of those lines coming from Eastwood.
One thing though, at the end when the Stranger explains that he made up his own answer for the riddle, I don't really follow his explanation there. But despite not following it, the way it was worded was great and takes me back to the Eastwood point.
Overall: a fun read, goob job brosef!
Wow, I know your probably tired of hearing this but great dialogue! This was so much fun to read and I was was moved at the start of the story with the father and son. You created so much emotion there with just a few pages and made us care about those characters. Not an easy thing to do!
Russell Moore
Well-known member
This was a smooth , quick fun read for me. Nice simple story with heart. I don't really have anything new to add to what's already been said.
Really liked the dialogue/relationship you created between the Father and son, very believable and I cared about what was going to happen to them.
Also nice banter between the stranger and the spaniard.
Nice work!
Really liked the dialogue/relationship you created between the Father and son, very believable and I cared about what was going to happen to them.
Also nice banter between the stranger and the spaniard.
Nice work!
seansshack
Well-known member
Formatting and structure are spot on. Short, well written descriptions and lots of blank space on the space (vertical writing as they like to see in the business).
I would give more to the character descriptions, simple age and description would do.
example:
The PIANO MAN plays a solemn refrain.
A little ways ahead, four banditos, RUIZ, JOSE, MIGUEL, and
the SPANIARD approach.
Other places you gave age but not for these.
With flashbacks I would imped it into sluglines:
EXT. TOWN – SUNSET - FLASHBACK
The Stranger rides into town.
END FLASHBACK:
But this is more a matter of style as from what I read, either will do.
Overall an effective story, well told. Screenplay writing style and formatting is well above the norm and does justice to your work.
I would give more to the character descriptions, simple age and description would do.
example:
The PIANO MAN plays a solemn refrain.
A little ways ahead, four banditos, RUIZ, JOSE, MIGUEL, and
the SPANIARD approach.
Other places you gave age but not for these.
With flashbacks I would imped it into sluglines:
EXT. TOWN – SUNSET - FLASHBACK
The Stranger rides into town.
END FLASHBACK:
But this is more a matter of style as from what I read, either will do.
Overall an effective story, well told. Screenplay writing style and formatting is well above the norm and does justice to your work.
RodThompson
Veteran
Wow! Thanks guys!
To address the dialogue with the father and son, I wanted to introduce the riddle but without them just riding along and the father saying, "Wanna hear a riddle?"
The preceding convo is something my mom used to say to me when I was a kid. Everytime I'd say that I did not need her help, she'd say, "I need to call the news!" and I would of course be shocked and be like, "Why?!" Then the punchline about having the smartest kid on Earth would follow.
This felt like a good lead in, and I guess it worked!
I'll address the story itself in a few. Baby's waking up./
To address the dialogue with the father and son, I wanted to introduce the riddle but without them just riding along and the father saying, "Wanna hear a riddle?"
The preceding convo is something my mom used to say to me when I was a kid. Everytime I'd say that I did not need her help, she'd say, "I need to call the news!" and I would of course be shocked and be like, "Why?!" Then the punchline about having the smartest kid on Earth would follow.
This felt like a good lead in, and I guess it worked!
I'll address the story itself in a few. Baby's waking up./
jamiejay
Well-known member
good writing. a solid script. i liked the idea of the riddle and the father and son scene was great as others have already mentioned.
very, very minor nitpick- you described the spaniard as having a mexican accent. was he spanish or mexican? any reason why he is just the spaniard while the other three have names? just curious... is "the spaniard" his nickname?
i liked it. good job!
jamie
very, very minor nitpick- you described the spaniard as having a mexican accent. was he spanish or mexican? any reason why he is just the spaniard while the other three have names? just curious... is "the spaniard" his nickname?
i liked it. good job!
jamie
RodThompson
Veteran
Yeah. Thought The mexican was too racial. lol
MrKilloran
Well-known member
I've heard the riddle before and was curious how you'd pull a script out of that, have to say, well done sir.
It was entertaining although nothing really stood out to me visually but it was certainly sincere. The dialogue is natural and I really liked the simple and effective storytelling. The last line, was like a nice big "f' you" to the Spaniard, it is so great - he's not out for answers but for revenge. It was powerfully delivered.
Great job!
It was entertaining although nothing really stood out to me visually but it was certainly sincere. The dialogue is natural and I really liked the simple and effective storytelling. The last line, was like a nice big "f' you" to the Spaniard, it is so great - he's not out for answers but for revenge. It was powerfully delivered.
Great job!
DarkElastic
Well-known member
Hi Rod, I have just read your script, good stuff.
As mentioned, it is an easy read which is structured very well. Also, the dialogue, it is excellent and for me, the Spaniard's dialogue is exceptionally good.
I loved how you took a classic riddle and built your story around it.
Overall, a simple, clever and effective short script. Well done.
As mentioned, it is an easy read which is structured very well. Also, the dialogue, it is excellent and for me, the Spaniard's dialogue is exceptionally good.
I loved how you took a classic riddle and built your story around it.
Overall, a simple, clever and effective short script. Well done.
Tim Joy
Veteran
Very intriguing read. Kept me glued to the page. I knew the answer to the riddle, as I'm sure many do, and it worked well as something the audience knows but the characters don't. Keeps you rooting for the characters
I really liked the setup and thought the relationship and the dialog between father and son were both very well done, and it read so naturally. The only thing I was confused about was the identity of the stranger.
I have to think about this one some more. Excellent writing.
I really liked the setup and thought the relationship and the dialog between father and son were both very well done, and it read so naturally. The only thing I was confused about was the identity of the stranger.
I have to think about this one some more. Excellent writing.