No Matter What - A Script By Nick Lane

Nice work! I thought it could have used more in the end as posted above mine.
The motivation to me was also lacking a bit, maybe a little less description and a little more character development.

Good stuff though overall. Intriguing story.

Cheers,

Mike
 
I don't want to spend too much time rehashing what have already said, but I do want to back up whoever it was that said that the abrupt introdution of Chloe in her space suit is one hell of a shock. I do like the idea of a space station (or spaceship) that doesn't immediately look like every other space station (or spaceship) we've ever seen, but I wonder if there's a way to ease the audience into the idea a little more.

A very minor quibble in your description at the beginning: do pianos have "helms?" :) (And if they do, shouldn't it be Mr. Sulu sitting there? :D )

More seriously, though, and with a SPOILER WARNING just in case anybody is getting through these as slowly as me: I can't quite wrap my head around the thought of the entire planet Mars exploding at all, let alone as a mistake. I'm familiar with the idea of terraforming Mars by burying fusion reactors at the poles to both melt the ice, release more oxygen into the atmosphere from the ice, and raise the overall temperature--but even something like that would be well short of what was needed to blow up the whole planet. Not only that, but there would be no reason to wire a "self-destruct" sequence into something like this; and even if there was, it should presumably take more than one computer command to engage it. At the very least, I'd want two voiceprint-confirmed command codes and maybe even more. Maybe some of this comes out in the feature version, but I really felt the lack of it here.
 
Captain, first off, regarding the use of the word helm:

Prinston said:
steering mechanism for a vessel; a mechanical device by which a vessel is steered
Click to expand...


Maybe a bit of a stretch but, as a piano player, I feel that pressing the keys could be considered "steering." Creative freedom on my part, I suppose. :)


Regarding the issue of the explosion and the events leading up to/causing it. I don't really see this as a big issue. I mean I know everyone has their own thoughts, and I respect that, I just have to disagree. There are several possible situations that could have caused this even with the high end security. That being said, I can assure you I take every comment seriously when I pick up the script and add more to it. Your comments do aid me in writing the feature version, so thank you.

Mr. Killoran, we'll see. :thumbsup:

Mike, thanks!
 
Oh, I knew what you meant by helm, I just needed to bust you up about it. :D

And I respect your disagreement with me on the explosion. Like I say, this may just be something that doesn't translate well into the 6-page version (or it's just something that I'm missing). Regardless of that, I could still understand the mood you were going for and enjoy the script on that level. :)
 
Captain Pierce said:
Oh, I knew what you meant by helm, I just needed to bust you up about it. :D

And I respect your disagreement with me on the explosion. Like I say, this may just be something that doesn't translate well into the 6-page version (or it's just something that I'm missing). Regardless of that, I could still understand the mood you were going for and enjoy the script on that level. :)
Click to expand...

Yeah. As I am sure you noticed, this is marked "EXCERPT" because it is only a small, abridged version of a feature I am working on. Things will flow better in the longer version. :)
 
Interesting concept.

I do wish there was more about Mars being blown up and less about the philosophy. I love a good philosophical discussion, but it did seem a little out of place considering the disaster he had just caused. Also, it seems that blowing up an entire planet wouldn't be something that could be accomplished accidentally. Just a thought.

You definitely have a knack for metaphorical description. I agree it is a little too much for a script, but I can tell you are a writer. :)
 
It was frustrating knowing this was part of an excerpt. Which part? Beginning, middle, or end? Arg.

You really need to cut all the flowery novel-speak from your scripts. It only makes it difficult for crew and actors to find their pertinent information.

This for example ...

Shadows dance with each other from wall to wall as the light
from several candles in the room changes its chosen path.
The quaint sound of a piano can be heard. The room is very
dim, but the main points can still be made out. There is a
large wall of book shelves which houses hundreds of dusty,
untouched volumes. On another wall is a large window, hiding
from the dark room behind a set of thick, demanding
curtains.​

Finally, there is a piano. Silky, smooth and black, it is
the focal point of the room. At its helm sits DANIEL, a tall
young man in his early thirties with mid-length dark hair
lazily tasseled about. He wears a dark gray t-shirt and
jeans and is lost in his own parallel universe while
creating an audible masterpiece in this one. DANIEL is so
far gone that he does not even notice when JUSTIN walks into​
the room.

... is 160 words if you include the slug. This ...

INT. LOUNGE - NIGHT

Dim. Candles flicker. Shadows dance on the surrounding walls, sporadically illuminate shelves stacked with dusty books. Thick drapes cover the only window.

A piano plays.

The flickering light reveals a silky black finish. DANIEL, early 30s, tousled hair, commands the keys. He is in his own world.

JUSTIN, early 30s, walks in. Daniel doesn’t look up.


... is 60 words to set up the same scene, a savings of 100 words.

And just to be picky, a LOUNGE is often associated with bars, or some kind of a waiting/chill room in airports, schools, copororate buildings, and hospitals. Occassionally it referres to a living room - but rarely. I kept reading this thinking this was happening a public place, but the dusty bookshelves didn't fit somehow. Maybe you mean parlor? Did I miss something? I see there is a bar in the room, but things are incongruous.

Numerous typos.

Anyways, interesting concept. Fun read. I'd like to see where it goes.

alex
 
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Jamie, I've been through this before so don't hate me for not responding more than this. Thanks for the read and comments!:

Alex, I was waiting for you to stop in. Thank you for doing so. I don't know if it would be fair to reveal which part this is from but I will say this: I am considering dropping the space part of the story line and basing this on Earth keeping the philosophy stuff, as I feel that is the strongest part. The space part was added because it had to be sci-fi which is NOT my genre and I hated putting it in there which is why I waited until the end to do so.

I know you are not a fan of the long descriptions. When I write scripts for other people I leave them out but when I write just to write I fall victim to my desire to be descriptive. It was not a public place, I guess Parlor would work better, sorry for the confusion. Oh, and I was very dismayed yesterday when I found those typos you refereed to. I was doing a read through with a writer's group I am in and I noticed them. Strange how you can skip right over them on the computer but look at it in print and you see them all. Hmmm...sorry about that too, although I don't think that is any reason to mark anyone down, unless it is heavily laden with them.

Thanks!
 
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