Need some criticisms on my incomplete short film before it is finalized

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Damien_TOrrence

Member
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8AtUN9blI-4

This film is not complete, there is still the second half to shoot however I would like to consider this near lock for the first half, however before that I would to get some criticisms from people and so I'm turning to you, please watch this and leave me some criticism, I don't care if it's negative as long as it's constructive.
 
Damien,
Checked out your film and here is my two cents worth. First of all congrats on shooting this and putting it out here for us to see. You are in the game not sitting on the sidelines. Play the game. I have a few questions/suggestions for you. Since this is a short film I think things need to be spelled out much quicker than you might in a feature length film. Your main character needs to be more extreme...in his actions...in his dress...in his paranoia...in everything about him. He's dressed very casually, lives fairly normal with his apartment in suburbia, etc. Some possible suggestions: Have him dress in all white or be fully covered from head to toe, possibly wears a mask, safety glasses, gloves, boots...anything to keep the air from touching his body. Or he could be completely naked, fearing anything man-made on his skin. He might not have any furniture in his place. No carpet. He would be cleaning until his fingers bled. The scenes where he's imagining being outside he should wear different clothing...add some effect to show he is dreaming this. What did his friend bring him? How does he make his money to afford the rent, food, etc. How does he survive? Disability? He should be more extreme when his friend arrives...this is his only human contact...he should be very fearful or very excited to talk to another human. Maybe the computer is his only contact with the outside world. He lives on the computer...days on end...hasn't shaved in weeks, etc. Maybe he's fearful of a computer virus so his actions are wild as he constantly reboots his computer. He goes online for 30 seconds at a time then quickly reboots...over and over. I am giving you extremes here, but this guy seems too normal and lives in a normal environment to be worried about the end of civilization from a virus. Cinematography...dutch angles, more extreme close-ups, lighting is too normal. Audio/sound...add some impact in this area as well. Let us know how this guy hears differently than the rest of us. Go big! Feel free to slash and burn my comments...but let's get the discussion moving on your film.
 
1. No one wants to see opening titles on the short film.

2. Bland white walls and staring in a mirror? Cut.

3. Too much obvious lighting on the floor scrubbing.

4. Opening sequence could be cut to a more montage style to attract people without trying their patience.

5. Extremely blown out windows suitable for Youtube, not a "film."

6. VO sound quality not very high. Learn about EQing and compressing to bring out the potential of the voice track.

7. We finally accept that we're "stuck" like the character, when he inexplicably just walks outside. No hint as to why, or any struggle involved in doing so.

8. Intercutting back and forth to his watching tv serves no purpose, has no meaning.

9. And now it's night and still no clue what this thing's about or why anyone would care...
 
I'd like to say thank you both for your comments, one thing I feel I should make clear is that this is the first time I've ever worked with lighting, I understand that it's very basic and not very dramatic but I just want to get the basics down before I go into more extremes. As far as the character goes he isn't extreme, the opening credit sequence is actually the end of the film taking place while he contemplates suicide, what I'm trying to do with this film is to tell the story of the man in the box, he's a man that no one sees and so doesn't really exist because no one acknowledges him, all he knows is himself which is why in his mind we never see Leo we only see him and he sees him self as a normal and well adjusted person, I know this film isn't great and really this is something I'm shooting to get back into the groove of filmmaking so it'll be a little rough around the edges, I'm trying new things which is why again I thank you, I hope that when I finish most of these concerns will be adressed because the second half is the one more heavy on philosophy. To Polfilmblog, the reason we intercut between him on the couch and him outside is because he's imagining being outside, it's night because that's how he spends his days, cleaning and fantasizing about the day he can go back outside.
 
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Damien_TOrrence said:
I'd like to say thank you both for your comments, one thing I feel I should make clear is that this is the first time I've ever worked with lighting, I understand that it's very basic and not very dramatic but I just want to get the basics down before I go into more extremes. As far as the character goes he isn't extreme, the opening credit sequence is actually the end of the film taking place while he contemplates suicide, what I'm trying to do with this film is to tell the story of the man in the box, he's a man that no one sees and so doesn't really exist because no one acknowledges him, all he knows is himself which is why in his mind we never see Leo we only see him and he sees him self as a normal and well adjusted person, I know this film isn't great and really this is something I'm shooting to get back into the groove of filmmaking so it'll be a little rough around the edges, I'm trying new things which is why again I thank you, I hope that when I finish most of these concerns will be adressed because the second half is the one more heavy on philosophy
Click to expand...


like Kess said...you're making this movie...awesome news.

however...and i mean absolutely no desrespect by asking, is there anything autobiographical about your main character? Are there any aspects to the character that kind of reflect how you are? i'm just wondering.
 
choose high key or low key

choose high key or low key

youre not realizing how EXTREMELY important lighting is. Its like a painter not realizing the importance of color.

A MOVIE is... MOVING PICTURES. Your creating A MOTION. PICTURE.

PICTURES.

your job is to make ATTRACTIVE (MOVING) PICTURES.

If you shoot your own movie, you are acting as your own cinematographer.

A cinematographers main tool is LIGHT.

There are only two kinds of lighting, really:

HIGH KEY: happy, fun, etc. (comedies, etc)
LOW KEY: Sad, moody, depressing, scary, etc (horro movies, etc)

(yes this is a simplification but this simplification is USEFUL. PICK ONE.)

You have a story that is supposed to be dark and moody, and you shot it HIGH KEY.

You NEEEED moody lighting. It's not optional.

You are telling a story with MOVING PICTURES.

Learn to light.

Cast people that look like the TYPE they are (Pictures communicate this way).

Avoid white walls they make ugly pictures. Or cover them with stuff.

Avodi flat viewpoints, pictures are nicer when they have DEPTH.

Where you place someone in the frame is also important to the success of a picture (use the rule of thirds- pictures are often nicer when they are a bit assymetrical).


Keep trucking......

(edit: in the second half i notice theres more backlighting on the dude throwing him into shadow. Do more of that. Try to keep the light off the walls. Experiment with the direction of the light- use backlight, light from above to create an oppressive feel, maybe from below when he goes mad (oops he knocked over the light- what a convenient accident huh?) etc. Get more darks in the PICTURE).
 
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"he's a man that no one sees and so doesn't really exist because no one acknowledges him"
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But you didn't show that. There are no examples of people ignoring him (in the part I saw). It's just an angsty dude, being angsty. Who wants to see a movie about that?

You also mention suicide. No indication of that really, except maybe the viewer would wish he would just kill himself already so they can move on with their lives.

It's missing that whole 'why should a viewer give a damn' aspect.

If he was interesting to watch and follow, that would be something else. So far, there isn't enough there there.
 
^Well I hope to remedy that with the second half of the film, those are certainly valid points, but the point is that he is the proverbial man in a box who lives in a "box" isolated from the outside world, he chooses to not have any contact with the outside world.
 
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