need help with bar jokes

O

Oleg 2

Carbonite Member
hey fellos ,something completely out of topic .
guys I need some help to find few good bar /pub jokes to complete the script
me and my friend shooting next week , we are producing the gig and my friend would
direct it .
this is a pilot that would be shoot in the bar and dealing with one liner
jokes related to the place, the pilot is for the series which deal with one
kind of jokes only ( blonds , doctors , soundman .:-))...., so we have some
sort of shortage to complete good 22 minutes we will like to get in these 2
days
everything goes , sex and alcohol , greed , stupidity , hard core ,what
ever you like but it have to be related to the bar , the language is not a
problem and not the slang , my friend is talking much better English then me
so if you have what are we looking for we will translate and make it
visible .
by the way ,these of you that from some reason will be in Tel Aviv on 29/30
this month are kindly invited to come and visit me on the set , have a beer
as extra on the set or have a pint as friend near my trolley of course
these who would like to mix one of the scenes are welcome ( simple stuff ,
mostly 2 people talking , boom and couple of lavs since we are working with
air-condition on and top lights , so 442 to the camera (dvx 100 or 2 ) and 744 .
of course the jokes which would be adopted the person would get large
thanks in the roller
thanks all
please send the jokers to
kaizero1@gmail.com
best
thanks in advance
 
hey oleg, cant think of any jokes off hand, but will ask around on set tomorrow and see what comes up.

pity im nowhere near tel aviv, i would love to have a beer and spend a day on set with you.. the worlds a big place, man.:)

good luck with the show..
 
Mushroom walks into a bar, Bartender says "Sorry we don't serve mushrooms here." Mushroom says, "C'mon, I'm a fungi"
 
or there's the one about Viagra inventing eye drops.............They make you look hard.

Boom, Boom.
 
or theres the one about a man walks into doctor's office.

"What seems to be the problem ?" asks the doc.

"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.

"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"

"Like a glove."
 
a guy takes his dog into a bar and says to the bartender "I bet you 1 drink my dog can talk". the bartender says "alright prove it." the guy says to his dog "what' over our head keeping rain from coming in?" the dog says "Roof", the bartender is mad, "come on that's not talking." the guy says "Ok, i'll ask him another question. how does sandpaper feel?" the dog says "ruff". bartender says "come on, that's not talking!"
the guy says "ok one more. who is the greatest baseball player of all time?" the dog says "Ruth". the bartender picks up the dog and the guy and throws them on the curb. the dog turns to the guy and says "dimaggio?"
 
how many directors does it take to change a lightbulb? just one more guys i promise!

a producer and director are stranded in the desert when they come upon an oasis. the director immediatley starts drinking from the oasis, he looks up and sees the producer pissing into the oasis and asks him what he's doing. the producer says "making it better"
 
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They just define darkness as an industry standard.
 
anyone with DOP or gaffer jokes, Id love to hear (if its too off topic for oleg you can PM). Got some payback to do on the set Im on at the moment :)
 
Not bar jokes but sound and production jokes: http://www.shootfirst.co.uk/lightbulbs.htm

Might be able to move the setting of a few of the jokes to a bar.

My favorite: How many directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one...but how do you get him in there with the cute blonde. :grin:

Cheers
 
(A bit of language in this)
OK, you want a bar joke? Heres my favorite...

A guy walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender, mops his brow and says listen bartender, "Look man I had a ****-sandwich eating pisser of a day, You gotta give me 10 shots of your finest tequila."

The bartender says, "You mean, just keep serving them to you one after the other?"

The patron says, "No man! I need em' now! All at the same time! Right now!"

The bartender, perplexed, but feeling bad for the guy turns around, finds a bottle of Anejo Patron, turns around and pours 10 shots right in a row for the guy.

The dude springs into action. He f'king downs the first shot without blinking, goes straight to the second, then the third... He's just draining the shots. 4th, 5th. He's not slowin down. The bartender is just watching in awe!

6, 7, and 8 go down the same, without a breath. The guy double fists 9 and 10 and slams them, practically at the same time.

The bartender goes, "holy **** man, why'd you drink them so fast?"

The patron replies, "you would too man if you had what I had..."

The bartender goes, "And whats that?"

The patron goes, "A dollar fifty!"
 
Guy goes into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. The bartender watches as the guy sits down at the bar and starts munching peanuts. The monkey leaps off the guy's shoulder and runs wild through the bar, picking up everything, knocking things over, dangling from the ceiling light, etc. The bartender is getting madder and madder, but he really loses it when the monkey hops up on the pool table, picks up the cue ball, pops it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender storms over to the guy and says "did you see what your monkey just did?" Guy says "yeah, and I hope it kills him, he's been driving me crazy." Guy throws down a $100 and leaves, and the monkey scampers back up on his shoulder.

Next week, guy & monkey come in again. Guy plops down on the same bar stool as before, and once again the monkey hops off and runs around. The monkey sticks his hand in a bowl of grapes, holds one up, and sticks it right up his rump. Then he plucks it out and eats it.

The bartender blows his stack -- "come on, man, did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says:

"Can you blame him? After that cueball, now he measures everything he eats first."
 
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pant's zipper. He walks up to the counter, plops the steering wheel on the stool next to him and orders a shot of rum. The bartender brings him his drink, and goes off to do bartender stuff. The pirate has a few more rums, and finally, the bartender can no longer hold back his curiosity.

"Hey buddy" he says to the pirate.

"Yarr!" the pirate responds.

"What's going on with the steering wheel in your pants? Doesn't that get annoying?"

"Aye", says the pirate, "It be drivin' me nuts".



Bah dahm pshhh



A guy walks into a bar with a sack over his shoulder. He sits down and pulls a miniature piano out of the sack and carefully puts it on the bar. He reaches back into the sack and pulls out a little man in a tuxedo, and puts him onto the bar too. The little guy walks over to the little piano, sits, and begins playing.

The guy orders a drink and the bartender brings him one and asks,"What's this?” pointing at the little man.

"Well," the guy responds, "I found this lamp buried in the sand. I rubbed it, a genie popped out and granted me a wish."

"No way!" responds the bartender, "Can I try?"

The guy shrugs, reaches into the sack and pulls out a battered lamp. He hands it to the bartender who rubs it furiously. A genie pops out and looks at the bartender.

"Thank you for freeing me from the lamp," the genie says, "for that you get a wish!"

The bartender thinks for a moment and then says, "I want a million bucks!"

The genie snaps his fingers and a moment later the bar is filled with ducks, all flapping about, quacking, and feathering up the place like mad. The genie disappears in a puff of smoke. The bartender waves the ducks out of his way and looks at the guy.

"What the hell is this?" he demands. "I asked for a million bucks".

"Well," says the guy, "The genie is a little hard of hearing. You don't really think I would have asked for a twelve inch pianist do you?"



Bah dahm pshhhh
 
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