My Love - A Script by Nick Lane

Nick:

I think that Alex's critique was pretty much on the mark about the writing style and formatting. It's a difficult script to read because of all the superfluity. Too much flowery description and the interruptions from camera directions really slow things up.

"A thirst for justice" is completely irrelevant. It might be cute, but it's not something that could be filmed. I think that you could suffice with something like "determined" or "serious." "The safe haven..." method of describing the building really belongs in a novel. Far better to describe what you see.

I think the story is pretty good, but once I figured out that Lyle wasn't the killer I felt totally set-up. Not ripped off, but set-up. You've said yourself that you wrote it with the twist in mind from the beginning, and I kind of felt that. I think in order to make this work the storyline needs a touch more depth, but I don't know which direction I would take as a writer to achieve this.

Getting your script out to associates for review is something I've found very helpful. Imagine how this would have turned out if Alex had given you his critique ahead of time.

I'm looking forward to reading your next script.
 
Thanks John. I do regret not finding someone to read it before hand, I think I was putting so much focus into critique for my TimeFest script, I let this one slip through my fingers. The ironic thing is, my TimeFest script is was pretty perfect already, since I wrote it like a script is supposed to be written, unlike this new technique I tried. I guess we learn from our mistakes...

I am hearing you guys about the story lacking that final element. Maybe after the dust clears I look at it again, flesh it out and add a few pages to make it complete, because I do think it could be a good story (albeit a bit cliche).
 
Thanks Alex, I suppose you are right. You hadn't come around here in a while and I thought you took my remarks the wrong way and became mad at me. :( That is the last thing I want.
 
Just wanted to let you know I read your script. Unfortunately, I don't have much new to add, since so many good comments have been made by all.

The only thing I have to add is a suggestion that if you want to write with a lot of detail since you don't have dialogue, focus on creating specific moments of action. I was most interested in your description of the physical actions the main character performed in the bathroom. They created a good sense of mystery.

Best of luck!
 
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