My first short

chris f

chris f

Veteran
I know I'm opening myself up for some criticism here, but being my first short film I've learned a lot throughout the process and especially looking back at it with a critical eye, but anyways, if anyone would like to check out my first short film "Walter" here it is in 2 parts (my file manager wouldn't allow me to upload the whole thing in one file):

https://oncourse.iu.edu/access/content/user/mzwiesle/Walter_part1.mov
https://oncourse.iu.edu/access/content/user/mzwiesle/Walter_part2.mov

Film Details:
The film is almost 18 minutes long including credits.
Original score by Chris Hurn (with an original song by Katie Thompson)
Shot with DVX100a, letterbox, no adapters, 24p


If anyone has any feedback, constructive criticism, or questions feel free to post them. I'm here to learn and I value everyone's input on here.
 
Last edited:
Some comments/observations/suggestions I had about it:

-First off, it's clear you put in some effort to polish the overall film, so you should be proud of that accomplishment.

-The outdoor scenes are handled very well - you managed to make video exteriors look really nice most of the time, and let the natural light at certain times of the day work for you rather than against you. The shot where the couple go for a walk by the lake in particular struck me because you were able to hold the whole sky in exposure without underexposing the actors, and it looked really nice. Good job.

-The indoor scenes felt a little less inspired. The doctor's office at the beginning for instance - it has a video feel to it, in the lighting and the framing. I think it undermines the drama of the scene. Many of the scenes at home feel the same way, although you did spice it up with some of your camera moves. But overall, the outdoor scenes felt like a sure enough movie - the indoor scenes less so.

-You've clearly paid attention to the sound, adding in foley material for various things, but the mix was a little off in places. For instance, at the beginning when Walter is writing on the notepad - the sound of the pen scratching the paper is much too loud in relation to the rest of the scene, and feels like it's coming from a different place than the images. I felt the same way to varying degrees about the actors' voices, where once again things felt more real outside than inside. A lot of the interior scenes have a lack of ambience, and on headphones at least you can clearly hear the dialogue tracks as they start and stop, because there's a lack of sound otherwise. It makes things feel more artificial and to me distracted from the drama of the piece.

-The biggest stumbling block for me, however, were the performances, and somewhat related, some of the writing. I didn't really buy the two principals as a married couple, and they definitely seemed more low-key initially about Walter's approaching death than would really be plausible.

-The scene where we hear Walter crying behind the door is nice in its restraint, but having Walter ask "Why me?" puts it over the top (especially along with the music). But overall, having it happen off-camera is a nice touch.

-The scene in the hospital room is another tough one; the monologue feels a little forced and overwritten again. I just don't buy some of the lines she has. To me, a real person would be less theatrical and less structured about what they were saying at that moment. The raw emotions would tell us all we need to know without having to telegraph it to the audience through a monologue.

Anyway, just some random points I thought I'd make. It's not a bad first effort, but since you asked I thought it was only fair to point out areas I think could use some improvement. Keep it up!
 
i think its a good first effort. i thought the camera work and visuals were very good especially for a first short, you'll probably get even better on the next...but the story got a little boring real quick. there was no music during dialogue scenes to help build tension, no ambience noise at all. i stopped watching after the part where the woman asked "Do you remember when we first met?" because it seemed like the story wasnt getting to the point. every scene reiterated that he was about to die. the dialogue was very on the nose and the characters seemed kinda flat. everything seemed to be ADR as if you didnt record with any sound and i noticed the sound was off in a few places but that's not as big a deal to me if the story/acting had been stronger.

i hope this doesnt come off as harsh, i just completed my first short film a month ago and realize i made some of the same mistakes as you did. it "looked" good though in my opinion. just remember story and concept are king.
 
All feedback is appreciated. Part of the reason the characters and the story feel flat, is because that's what I intended (Although I've since learned that you have to make up for that somehow to keep it entertaining to complete strangers, I realize it's probably too slow). I really wanted to give a sense that their relationship is so awkward and shallow that the characters don't really even know what to say. I wanted to give the sense that they've kept their emotions and true feelings bottled up for so many years that now that an external force is forcing them to be emotional, they don't know how to express anything real. Keep the feedback coming.
 
Chris,

I got to to see Walter at the Indiana Actors.com Film Festival along with Your Name Is Miracle. Amazing juxtaposition, having those two play back to back.

The one thing that I noticed about the characters was that, perhaps due to their age, it felt less like they had bottled their feelings up for years than it did that they were a new couple who came together too quickly and didn't really know each other. That might have been an interesting way to play that.

However, I did enjoy the way the story played out and I especially liked the ending. It was touching without being melodramatic. It's not that that angle hasn't been done before but it was done right.

I'd also like to echo the earlier sentiments about the outdoor scenes. They were beautifully shot. Nice work, there.

All in all a great first effort. Many would be proud to do that well first time out.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top