My First short - please critique.

smelni

smelni

Veteran
Hey all,

Been reading here a lot and getting lots of great info. I have made my first short. I would love to get feedback both positive and negative.

I am very interested in how i am doing with my lighting, composition, and narrative.

Thanks all for any comments. :thumbsup:

http://www.slmproduction.com/postcard/postcard.wmv

seth

P.S. - I am in the process of purchasing the music so the sound beep watermarks wont be there in the final cut.
 
Very good first effort! Just little things to point out here and there, the girl walking sequence was a little shaky cam. You had the guy on the roof pondering at dusk, but then you had cutaways to the girl running around in broad daylight. The sound in the bedroom scene clipped a few times (note: that could have just been interruptions in the stream when I was viewing it). Your interiors were lit nicely. The contents of the post card are only implied (we get that, but we want juicy details!) The tension built nicely and was well acted, but the "tomorrow I'll be gone" ending was a little ho hum. Overall, very promising!
 
Nice compositing... I like the lighting for the budget :), just some continuity mistakes on lighting.

Some creative editing on it. Acting looks good too. Congratulations.

Í didn't like the ending so much, expecting more impact, but that's my personal feeling.
Where are you getting the musics, nice ones.

Ulisses
 
109 views and only 2 comments - please help me out - I can really use the feedback - thanks all
 
Well done first attempt. I agree with the lighting continuity on the roof shot. You crossed the line twice in the kitchen scene. (180 rule) Thats a big sore thumb in my book. The beginning was alittle long. Was expecting a bigger payoff in the end. 10 minute film with little or no action could easly be cut into 5 minutes. Remeber longer films are not always better. Maybe go back and cut the fat and get it around 5-6 minutes. You might find the tighter edit to work better and be more festival friendly. Remember, every shot should progress the story. The beginning lacked that progression and did little to introduce the characters. I did like the foreshadowing of the postcard when she opened the mailbox though, good work.
Keep shooting!
 
Oh and why did you choose to print it in 4:3. Letterboxing will always give it that film look. Throw a 1.85 widescreen matte on it. It will kill alot of that dead space in the top and bottom of the frame.
 
If this is truly your first short, you did an excellent job.

Things that usually bug me are when the auto exposure switch is on, a sure fire way to indicate you are an amateur (whether you are or not). The camera adjusts in mid action to changes in light intensity. I noticed that in a couple of exterior shots. If this is not the case, then it's the Web encoding that's giving me that impression.

I wasn't disappointed with the ending, I thought it was very true to life and it doesn't have to be a big hook. I didn't feel the 10 minutes go by and at no stage did I want to just close the window and not watch the end...something that happens infrequently for me :)

Watch out while framing moving shots. The shot where the male walks out into the sunset is a little off, his head is too low in the shot but then reframes itself afterwards. Also, the shot where you are following the female walking in the street is badly framed. If a person is walking towards the left in the frame, give them plenty of space to walk into in the left side of the frame so they don't look like they are about to hit their nose of the side of the frame.

My preference is widescreen but 4x3 did not distract me from the story.

The lighting in general was very uneven and it distracted me somewhat. Some frames seemed very dark but, again, maybe that is the encoding.

I cannot encourage you enough to keep this up. You have an obvious talent for telling stories and making films.

Good luck with it.
 
Damn the Academy Aspect Ratio and Damn the Beep From Sound Rangers; pay for those loops cause that BEEP was driving me mad. Mad I tell you!

Oh sorry.

I second the D Man

An impressive first attempt; hell an impressive 4th attempt. You have the tools to be a filmmaker.

The framing and comps need some work but that will coem with study and practice. You did have some shining moments though.

I felt the 'long walk home' was a tad much and drawn out however especially as I too wanted a bigger pay-off.

I would love to have seen this framed for a widescreen ratio but like D Man, the 4:3 did not hurt this at all.

Tell the talent they were solid; first rate performances from both.

Your use of lighting was usuable if a bit flat; that'll come in time.

I think what would really serve this piece is some Foley and FX Audio work. Perhaps consider re-cutting with some new Audi otracks overlaid? Street and Traffic sounds, Elevator sounds, really just atmospheric and some key FX sounds; door closing, key being used, footsteps of her heels and even the sound of a metal ring being placed on a nightstand, etc etc

Really good job; I'll stay tuned for more work from you. BRavo.

(I would really like to see this recut with Audio tracks!!!)
 
I really like this! great work!
At 1:41 when she walks out of the door the exposure changes - thats something you need to be careful of, if you can't re-shoot it you might consider deleting it, unless you wanted that effect. but i dont think it works. - this shot was also shaky which i dont think worked, unless this was also intended - like to show she is unstable in life... but if anyting i think the guy would be unstable at that moment.
At 3:45 you cross the line, she should be on the left side of the screen looking to the right side of the screen to be continious to all the other shots.
At 7:56 the lighting and colour changes significantly, you might be able to tweak it a bit in post? - looks like you may have shot it at two different times of day or changed the iris or something.
At 9:07 i dunno i just think the music could be cut in a different time... say at 9:05 before the cut to keys, or on the cut to keys, ... maybe.
The editing throughout was great, you know when to cut shots.
Narrative was great, a nice little story, especailly the postcard "how long" we know what its about, its good that you don't show what the postcard says, and it was a great way to build up suspense and keep the audience intrested throughout the start because they are waiting to find out what is on the postcard!
Yes the lighting was all over the place, but for something shot out of sequence on a low budget you did well.
Letterboxing it might look cool? but dont do it if you framed it for 4:3, some shots might not fit.
Please don't take any offence from my comments, you really did a great job, but its important to learn things each time so you get better and better!
I can't wait to see the final cut, send us a PM when you have it ready!
 
Thank you all for the great feedback - It is really so helpful - I have be reading this board for awhile and really respect all of your advice.

Yes this is my first short. Though i am an actor first and very technical (computer programmer by day) I am self teaching this stuff so your advice is great.

I understand that my lighting was a bit flat - Im not really sure how i could have livened it up - any specific suggestions.

I am getting to work on the final sound track now

seth
 
Lighting is an entire new study in filmmaking and can really enhance the production. It is something that I myself have a long way to go on.

My thoughts are to use fill on your actors whenever possible and also to use practicals whenever possible to add depth and highlights to the scenes. The lighting in this is passable and usable but is not shining through.

Some of the scenes in this really would have bene'd from the above mentioned tips I think especially when there were areas of complete darkness behind the actors. Complete Darkness is a fine conceptual element but sometimes 'lighting for night' or 'lighting for dark' might work better visually.

Just my own subjective thoughts.

Consider getting some books:

Reflections - 21 Cinematographers at Work - by Benjamin Bergery
New Cinematographers - by Alexander Ballinger

Both available from ASC or Amazon. They are great.
 
My twisted ending.....A little sheet action, since they are married anyway, as she lights up afterwards then he gets up puts pants on and says "consider that my going away present, I leave tomorrow"
 
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