SHORT: My first SHORT NARRATIVE FILM (Comedy)

T

theBman

New member
Hey guys, so this is the first short film I've ever made. It's a comedy... I actually finished it about a year ago, but kept it offline as I was traveling around doing the festival thing with it. I'm damn proud of it, as there were some really devastating and hard obstacles to overcome

This movie took over a year to shoot alone...Only 3 weeks into production, while in the middle of a shot, our lead actress Alexandra collapsed and was rushed to the hospital, she was diagnosed with a very serious spinal cancer. Over the course of the next year she underwent every horror expected, including chemo... but through it all stayed committed to finishing the film, using it as an outlet to distract her from the day to day issues in her life. Yes she lost lots of weight, and yes, she lost all of her hair. Luckily her uncle, a professional wig maker, created a top notch piece that looked nearly identical to her real hair... Yes you can probably notice which shots use the wig and which don't, but honestly, I'm proud of her for the whole endevour. She was willing to put herself on camera at a time in her life that she knew she didn't look like herself. For that I will always be greatful. I poured my heart into this over the course of 2 years. While technically speaking I was really limited with the equipment I had to use, I did my best to make due.

I hope anyone that watches this enjoys a few laughs, and appreciation for the hard work it took.

I hope you all enjoy it, and remember: FEEDBACK IS ALWAYS APPRECIATED!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAjDFGqsKPc
 
seriously? 170 views and ZERO feedback?... I mean even "that was total crap" with a few examples would be more insightful then nothing... isn't that the whole point of this forum, to get opinions from other filmmakers? lol I'm not terribly butt hurt about it, just a bit surprised...
 
Seriously, a member for 4 years and SIX posts? Ironic, no? Shorts that are just a few minutes long and requests from contributing members usually get a better response and in any case it can take more than a couple days for people to get around to it. You've given a weekend to get a response and oscar weekend at that. Most are caught up in gossip about now.

I watched a few minutes during a break at work. The plot hasn't kicked in yet. I really liked the faux western part the best so far although a different wipe at 0.28 would work better with the material. That was enough of a hook to stop me turning off in the first minute. Would have watched more if my break wasn't over. The fake ad was really funny and the tone spot on. For the first couple of minutes into the main story the tone feels right and has been genuinely funny and properly paced. Cast is engaging and delivering their lines with good timing. Haven't paid much attention to the cinematography but it isn't getting in the way. Sound is good.
 
Okay, so watched the rest at lunch. Really enjoyed it. The fact you had the callback on the wipes at the end worked really well so I'll take that back. From a technical point of view there was some variation from scene to scene. In some cases it was a deliberate choice and mostly worked but in others would have been a bit slicker if there had been a consistent look. Not really a problem because the story and performances were entertaining and made me want to keep watching. The whole thing was pretty funny, you should be proud of this. Some moments though were out and out comedy gold, as good as I've seen. 'More sand!' is destined to be a catch cry if more people see it.

The bar scene was the weakest bit, the sound balance was way off and it drags a bit. The false starts on the skeet bag didn't work at all, a slicker edit with only one good take (played as an actual ad) would work much better and if you're able to reduce the ambient sound and music relative to the actors once you go in close. Overall you could probably tighten up the edit and cut as much as 5 minutes out and have a lot more streamlined and punchy final cut. Some scenes drag a little but not by much. I think you have enough there to work with to do that.

Your actors, especially the three main ones had good chemistry and engaging performances. Everyone had good comedic timing. My favourite parts were every single moment that related to your faux western. The intial bit, and every callback and reference just worked. The pocketful of sand is a genius comedy idea and pretty much sums up the attitude in this piece that works. Apply that sensibility more consistently and this belongs on tv. Cheers.
 
I just typed a page long response that doesn't seem to have posted dammit lol! Basically, thank you! very insightful and GREATLY appreciated that you genuinely laughed while watching (the whole reason I do it, is the hope of making people laugh) and got all the call backs and running gags...The ascetic changed a lot due to the year+ of shoot. When we started I had ZERO experience, throughout that year I worked on several other projects, which totally tightened up my game a bit, I can pick out easily which scenes were early on and which were later, in fact the cowboy bit (played by yours truly actually) was the very last thing shot. I agree the editing could be tightened up in spots, but unfortunately after slaving away for over a year, a few weeks after finalizing the video my computer was STOLEN. So all I have left is this final product (I'm happy at least for that) so I figure onward and upward to the next project. take and use what I learned etc etc etc...I plan on focusing much more on the visuals with my upcoming short... I also agree that the bar scene does drag a bit... in fact after seeing the movie 10 billion times, that's the one part my own attention starts drifting at every time.

So thank you again for your insight, very helpful! I hope I didn't come off as too much of a whiny ***** before, I just really appreciate the opinions of others that understand filmmaking (as opposed to friends and family which I consider biased opinions anyway). thanks again. Cheers~
 
dude if this was your first, it was the best i seen in a very long time! Reminded me of always sunny in Philadelphia/modern family, only thing that i can see that needed tweaking was the music it was at times over powering. Other then that you got your self a fan lol. you should pitch this as a pilot.
 
Thanks! I'd lying if i said I wasn't a fan of both always sunny and modern family... and yeah, I agree, some of the audio mixing is a bit shitty, mostly due to the fact that I know almost NOTHING about audio recording/mixing/mastering... That was probably the most foreign concept to learn. lol I know I was kind of fishing for comments here, but I really wouldn't have guessed I'd only get good ones. Much appreciated. I really hope to work on a project someday where I can focus on story, directing, and editing...and not every single other job involved other then acting. It kinda sucks, I have ZERO friends that are into filmmaking, so it's basically me and whoever I beg to help kind of affair. I just started working on a few 3-5 minute shorts to try and tighten up my game. but thanks again, very encouraging stuff.
 
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