My first script ever: Last Saturday

Hawk Teflon

Hawk Teflon

Veteran
This week I'm in the mountains of NC in a "resort" of sorts with no TV, and the only internet is WAY too slow to watch any Hulu or anything. So, I wrote my first script ever. EVER. Please be nice as you read this. I don't know all (or really any) of the rules for writing a script. I tried to go off what I remembered from reading a few other scripts on this site. I know the format isn't perfect, but I was just excited to finish something. Please, all critiquing will be very helpful!

(now if I can just find the attach button ... hmmm, .doc and .pdf isn't allowed)

Ok, I sent it to mediafire.com... you can download the pdf here: http://www.mediafire.com/?cxxbs5qm5yb

All feedback is helpful! Thank you!
 
First, the boring stuff:

No worries about attachments. If you want to put your script in this post, you can use the [ code ] command and then paste in formatted text. Also, in terms of formatting, you got a lot of it right, but look into Celtx. It's free and basically does all the formatting for you. Great application.

Now, onto "Last Saturday."

I sense that you wanted to explore the melancholy involved in leaving old friends behind, especially when caused by the end of a school session. This is a good starting point, because you have an idea about what you want to "say" or explore as a writer.

I liked the "butter his bread" joke. The joke has obviously been done before, but you add a few original elements to make it your own (e.g. the guy is not really gay and the mom reacts humorously). You also caught my interest when your characters pledged to do something awesome before they were dispersed. Kayla's car wreck was also a point of interest.

Now for the hard part: constructive criticism. This forum typically discusses mainstream writing, so if you're interested in avant-garde techniques, we probably can't help you. But let's say you're interested in writing in a semi-popular, semi-commercial style. Here's the biggie:

Conflict.

You need a challenge, a problem, a conflict, drama. You have an idea in your story (friends breaking apart), but no vehicle to propel that idea. Titanic isn't just about riding on a boat, it's about defying class boundaries to pursue true love and surviving an unimaginable tragedy at sea.

Also, I suspect that you have a strong understanding of who your characters are. However, as a reader, I did not. I knew a little bit about Chris (due to his antics in class and such), but not much about the others. What makes them interesting? What are their quirks? Their desires?

Ultimately, I think your general idea is very universal: the bitterness of growing apart from friends. That's one step. The next steps involve a lot of brainstorming, especially in relation to who your characters should be and what problems they'll face. Further, you'll want to come up with an actual thematic statement, e.g. "although old friends may grow apart, there are always new friends to be made" or "some friends can never be replaced." Whatever. Your theme is often the glue that holds together your story.

I hope that helps.

Edit: Also, I recently posted a 15-page short here (which nobody responded to, huzzah). It's not the best thing since sliced bread, but it might give you a good example of conflict in a short story. Also, it'll give you an example of formatting. If you read it, I'd be interested in your feedback (since you're relatively new to screenwriting, you offer a different perspective than many here).

http://www.dvxuser.com/V6/showthread.php?t=178514
 
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I have very limited to online here (I'll FINALLY be home Monday), so I'll read yours when i get home. I'm looking forward to it!

Thank you for the suggestions! I wonder if I didn't include the conflict because I just don't like conflict in real life. I doubt it, but it sounds good. I'm not sure how to add the conflict to this, but I'll think about that during the rest of my senten ... time here. Why can't the conflict / problem just be the fact that they're all leaving? Is it because it's not resolved? Or is that not a conflict?

So the theme, is that ever stated, or just what you want to be felt throughout?
 
I went through that same thing. But movies are not real life. I do not like conflict in my real life. I do not like alien creatures or mongol barbarians attacking me, or asteroids falling on my home. But that is exactly what we want to see in film, right? Without conflict there is no drama, and without drama it is just someone's home movies about boring everyday life. Drama is what allows for all the other good stuff in stories-- theme, arcs, etc., -- and thus lets the writer fulfill the role of giving the reader/viewer an emotional ride, and letting them experience slaying the dragon (as hero) for a couple of hours, and be allowed to question theme/life.
randall

 
Yes

Yes

That's right...

Even if we don't really want our own lives to be extremely dramatic, i.e. lots of problems, obstacles, etc., that is what makes for great storytelling. Even if it's a short script, you still need an escalating sense of tension, greater and great problems and obstacles to overcome, and then ultimately the satisfaction that our protagonist does overcome these issues.

Like in a feature film, the protagonist may be at danger of losing his job, then he's in danger of losing his girlfriend, then he is danger of losing his apartment, then maybe someone threatens his family, then his life is in danger, then the world in general hangs in the balance, etc. Haha, it's a series of rising tension created by seemingly insurmountable obstacles, only eventually to be overcome.
 
Hawk Teflon said:
I have very limited to online here (I'll FINALLY be home Monday), so I'll read yours when i get home. I'm looking forward to it!

Thank you for the suggestions! I wonder if I didn't include the conflict because I just don't like conflict in real life. I doubt it, but it sounds good. I'm not sure how to add the conflict to this, but I'll think about that during the rest of my senten ... time here. Why can't the conflict / problem just be the fact that they're all leaving? Is it because it's not resolved? Or is that not a conflict?

So the theme, is that ever stated, or just what you want to be felt throughout?
Click to expand...

Oh, sorry, didn't realize you were still on your trip! Hope it's going well.

Your concern about conflict is, I think, a common one. But Randall is absolutely correct. Stories are compressed time, and they're not supposed to be ultra-realistic. That doesn't mean, however, that there can't be many very real moments in drama. In fact, there have to be!

You do some video production, right? Think about lighting. How many people are naturally backlit in real life? How many people have a pleasing key / fill ratio? Sure, some people like the all-natural-lighting approach, but my understanding is that most professional DP's embrace a more artistic approach. Sure, you have to make sure that you have continuity and motivation for your lighting, but more than that you ask yourself 1) if the visuals help convey the story and 2) do they look good.

Back to writing. I think one of the fastest ways to incorporate this paradigm into your style is to read lots of Hollywood scripts. Who knows, you might be able to write the next My Dinner with Andre, but the key to all creative writing is usually to capture our interest. Scare us. Make us love a hero and see him / her confront tremendous odds. Give us frenetic action sequences. Slapstick humor. Dry humor. Stunning locations. Beautiful women (and men). Personal struggle. So on and so forth.
 
Congrats on writing your first script, that is huge! Takes a lot of courage to face that blank page! You will only get better with each line, each page, each script!
randall
 
I enjoyed it for the most part.

I would suggest getting Final Draft. It'll make your script look more professional and is a lifesaver in formatting.
 
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