My first screenplay (a 2-page short scene)

M

Matt Dunn

Active member
I've been lurking for a while and finally got up the nerve to try to put something down on paper. This is my absolutely first attempt so please...no piece of advice or criticism is unwanted (on narrative, technique, formatting, etc.).

A QUICK WARNING IF YOU ARE READING THIS AT WORK OR AROUND CHILDREN


The piece contains adult language. Hopefully, none of it is superfluous as it was not intended to be, but I want everyone to be warned.

As always, thanks for all comments/feedback in advance.

-Matt
 

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My first post here. I've been battling some severe writer's block lately, so I don't feel like I'm in the position to knock down anybody's work. This is all constructive.

I liked the premise, and the idea of the scene. The dialogue seemed like it was a tad too "predictable." Like, what you would expect your run-of-the-mill cop and snitch would say and do.

However, it's a great idea and could definitely be built up upon. I think it could be a great closing scene to maybe a ten minute short or so.
 
ffaf07 said:
so I don't feel like I'm in the position to knock down anybody's work. This is all constructive.
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Absolutely. I was legitimately asking for criticism and I appreciate all feedback. Plus, I've got a pretty thick skin...I'm a lawyer used to the yelling and screaming of others. :D

ffaf07 said:
The dialogue seemed like it was a tad too "predictable." Like, what you would expect your run-of-the-mill cop and snitch would say and do.
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Fair enough, and point well taken. I think I was probably focusing on getting as much "story" out as I could in a few pages so that the scene really extended (if only in implication) beyond the conversation in the alley. I probably did so to the exclusion of really looking for unique characters with unique characteristics.

Again, thanks for the critique. I sincerely appreciate the time you spent to read and comment upon it.

-Matt
 
I liked it -- wish I could boil my epics down to two pages.

I agree the dialogue's a bit over the top; the actor you need to pull the "detective" role needs to have a boatload of character; giving a truly talented actor a little reign to ad-lib could help though.

What was missing for me was the "call to the commisioner's office"... some guy calls & says your detective is a murderer? I dunno... for something this short, I'd consider the snitch saying, in essence:

"I found the guy who killed my brother - you."

Detective: "Yeah, prove it"

An ominous pause, and then, "I found the letter... the commisioner has it now". (Or the answering machine tape, or the roll of film, or the gun with the broken stock, the typewriter with the busted comma...whatever -- as long as the detective's face goes from cocky to terrified at those words). So when he pulls the trigger, it's not being mean, it's not being in control... it's panic, it's all this detective knows.

Just my 02! --MC
 
I liked it. It read very quick, the dialog didn't bother me at all. Suitably hard boiled.

Is this a scene from a larger work?
 
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