My Fantasy Script

Be careful... Reading your script, i saw many formatting flaws. Might i suggest you get different software, maybe like Final Draft? Your scene head should be fully capitalized with the right indentations. The actions need not be the same way, but need to go from left margin to right margin. Also, there should be two lines of space between the scene heading and action. I also found that your soundtrack was not capitalized. by soundtrack i mean, anything that will make a noise in the script like "CLAPS HANDS" should be capitalized. The reason i tell you these things is because even though you are directing and editing... (i am also) you still might seek funding from wealthy investors. Doing such, they might expect a properly formatted script to say the least. Always remember, the first 10 pages are the most important pages in any script.

good luck, and i hope you keep with it!!!! Feel free to update, i found your script entertaining!!
 
I know you're getting a lot of grief, but I hope you know it comes from a good place.

I'm afraid I'm going to add to the pile here:

Any film which starts with a dream followed by someone leaping out of bed... I'm sorry, I just couldn't read any further...

I know where you're at. I shoot and edit (and usually write) all my own films, too, and I know what it's like to be all alone as you start out. It was years before I learned what I thought I already knew.

Keep writing, keep polishing, and keep at it in general. And don't worry if it sucks. The only way to make good films is to make a few bad ones, from start to finish.
 
Oh? LOL, sorry about that one. As you can see, all my capitalization was off, along with what didn't need to be capitalized. I was in a bit of a rush when I wrote that.
 
I am currently reading.. and once I finish I will come back and give you my thoughts.

So far I have no idea whats going on.. I feel like I am reading a shot list with Dialogue peppered in.

I'm back.

I am blunt.. so I will warn you up front.

1) There is no story.

2) The writing is very poor; though you said you were not a writer, that is fine. But really, team up with someone that is if you want to have a decent script, otherwise get someone to edit the hell out of it for you.

3) It has been said before but remove your camera direction and take a look at what you have left.. it isn't much. If you are going to write a script, concentrate on writing the story. It is very hard to follow when you have so much camera direction in there; but it is twice as hard to follow when you take it out and realize there isn't much text connecting the script together.

4) Look up proper formatting for script writing; I mean writing technique not story telling. For instance:

Scene 2
Int. Room - Night
Fade In

This is not proper formatting, and it makes your script really hard to read. You may disagree, and think it only needs to make sense to you; which is fine, but realize you did post it here for everyone to read. Clarity is a plus.

The real main problem I see with this is, there is nothing happening here, there is no story. Kid has dream wakes up. Finds Diary of girl. If I were to guess from reading there is a connection between the two somehow. But the writing is so underdeveloped that I can't get a sense of where I am when I am reading or what exactly is happening.

"DARRYL IS WALKING IN THE FOREST. VARIOUS
SHOTS OF HIM DOING THIS. AS HE EXITS THE PATH, TO GO INTO A
NEW ONE, HE IS STUCK. HE CAN’T ENTER, SOMETHING IS BLOCKING
HIS WAY. A GLOBE, OR WALL OF SOME SORT. CU OF HAND ENTERING
SHOT, AS DARRYL TOUCHES THE WALL. VOICES ENTER, SAYING
"LEAVE," AND "STAY AWAY." DARRYL GETS FRIGHTENED. CAMERA
FOLLOWS HIM AS HE TURNS, LOOKING AROUND, UP IN THE SKY, FOR
THIS MYSTERIOUS VOICE. "
Click to expand...

Re-read this; All I can ascertain from this is that he's in a forest. And the text itself isn't sure of what its describing "A globe or a wall of some sort" .. well which is it? Give some more flow to the words. You don't need to describe every minute detail unless it is important to your story.

Don't take this verbatim; but if I were to re-write that chunk of text it would look close to this example:

Darryl walks along a path through a forest. He comes to a split in the path and begins down a new one. He appears to be stuck; something blocks his way. It appears to be a large wall of old granite. He touches the wall, feeling along its surface with his palm while gazing in wonderment at the sight. An ethereal voice surrounds him as he examines the wall.

VOICE
Leave..... Stay Away

Darryl steps back frightened frantically looking around for the source of the voice.
Click to expand...

All I really did was remove your camera direction and add in a few more descriptive words. I Know it is hard to think of your film without camera or framing in mind.. but trust me when I say, it is very helpful in the long run for everyone else reading your work. As well, when you do sit down to create a shot list or storyboards for it you can come at it with a little fresher view point.

One last thing; if this is fantasy I wouldn't have known it.

Ok I am done. Hopefully I wasn't too much of a prick, but I did take the time to read it and analyze it so I feel a bit justified in my rantings... a bit..

peas.
 
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I say you've put forth a good effort and got a great attitude.
You've gotta start somewhere and sometimes you have to do parts of the job you may not want to do to get to the job you do want to do.

I'll second the suggestion to get and learn the celtx program. www.celtx.com
It is free scriptwriting software that is really useful for what you are trying to do.

Good luck!
 
doesn't make too much of a difference what program you use, as long as you get your formatting correct :)
 
keep trying you can only get better. I wrote my first script and it was amazing! my friends told me it was cool original and great idea, and i knew it once I wrote it. I started writing a second script and realized I learned alot from writing the first one.

Now that i finished my second script, I went back and read my first. IT WAS TERRIBLE, story wise and idea was solid; but dialogue and grammer, man was I terrible. Now I plan on rewriting it.

Just keep on writing and I promise you'll see improvments and if people make fun of you or tell you, you suck F*ck them! and write something that will make them drop their jaws and eat their words.

But everyone one is right, really try to make it more interesting and diologue is to cliched. and don't be linear
 
I do that with my footage I shot with my DVX.

I'll look way back a couple of months, and see that my footage is CRAP, but at the time I thought it was sweet!

Now, I can't really say anything. I mean i look at my footage NOW and it looks fine...But ill look at it 3 or 4 months and see a big change. Is there a point when you can STOP improving? Lol.
 
I disagree completely with the common consensus.

If you are not a writer, TheComo, you should not write your films.
(copypasta for resonance)
If you are not a writer, TheComo, you should not write your films.

You are a cinematographer, an editor, a technical director. Stick to those. Grow with them. You can become a true professional in those areas. If you get good writers to write your scripts and excellent directors to lead your actors, I needn't even express how far you could go.

One of the reasons so many films on DVXuser look so good, but come off so poorly is the nigh-complete lack of genuine writers behind the scripts. The films undoubtably look great, but there is little value beyond the superficial qualities, and little hope for them beyond low-level contests (not a slam to dvxuser, but there are no screening standards).

But you can easily one them up by getting genuine writers to create scripts for you to film.

Just a suggestion.

Good luck with your future work, and all the best. :)
 
Dude, many good points have been made here....and not for the first time.

If you really wan to grow and learn, then why not learn from your mistakes? The good thing about your attitude is that you have a high output of material...the bad thing is that you don't listen...so the output doesn't generallly improve in quality.

If you feel you aren't a writer, then team up with people who are. Keep writing on your own and improve, but in the short run, pitch some ideas around with someone who you feel can write.

Buy a book about screenwriting. It has been suggested before...and it can be the best 20 bucks you ever spent. Read it, learn, apply the basics and repeat. Better software will not make you a better witer. Understanding the form and story structure just might.

Pick a couple of films you think are well written, and get the scripts for them. Study those to get the feel for what you are trying to do. Don't just watch the DVD amd say "cool...what a shot"...learn what the motivation behind it was...understand the rythym and pacing of what you are watching in the written form.

It seems like every few days you have a new script, and you ask for feedback, and the results are the same. Does this suggest that you have really taken any advice to heart? Sure, it is easy to let people on here help you out and point out where you might need help and how to fix things, but using it as a crutch will not make you better.

All this can be done on the side, while you and some others shoot your shorts and decide what works and what doesn't as you go along. I promise you, people who are into this video and film stuff spend countless hours reading and re-reading about it...learning. Even after 20 years in the business.

If you did something similar, you'd have a better idea of what was good and bad about your writing before you even posted here.

I know you don't like to hear negative feedback, and that you take it all personally...but it is just meant as constructive. I've been coming to this site for over 6 months now...and it seems the first post I ever read from you and the last are basically the same. The theme is constant, but there is no arc (if you read book or two, you'd know exactly what that meant.)

I said it before...if you just put some real effort into learning and reading a bit...with all the effort you put into doing, you'd be so far ahead of the game by the time you were twenty, that it wouldn't be funny.
 
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