Malaika

S

Sad Max

Artful Dodger
So I have this little character intro piece that I wrote as part of a collaborative tv series project pitch. The story is set in an alternate-history world in which magic exists as a branch of the natural sciences, some people have unusual or extraordinary abilities, known as 'gifts,' the world wars never happened (the story is set in the 1920s) and the setting is the city of Marraketch, Morocco (still an independent kingdom, in the story) which is located over one of a number of magical 'hot spots' where power emanates from the Abyss, the huge canyon over which the city is built, standing atop the ruins of progressively older and older civilizations, with the very lowest terraces reputely resting on the floor of Hell itself (no one who goes exploring past a certain depth ever comes back, so who knows...)

Anyway, each of us on the team developed a character with their own first-season arc, and as it happened I chose the Assassin, and wrote her a backstory to get her to the point at which the series itself begins.

It can be downloaded from here if'n you have the time and inclination to read about 16 pages. It's still in rough form and I'm interested in seeing what sort of response - if any - it elicits.

Thanks for reading.
 
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I thought it was pretty effective for what your doing Max. I'm not a big fan of writing English dialogue to substitute for Arab or French, but in this case its a necessary evil. I wasn't clear if her seductress training had any relationship to the magic in the world (i.e. was magic enhancing her ability to seduce). Maybe flavor the dialogue up with some French words/slang (seems pretty sanitized as it stands). I don't know how much Paul Bowles you've read but you might check him out. I kept thinking about a short lived Fred Ward series that dealt with an alternate LA in the 80's that used magic much like you are using it. Overall I think you aren't far off. Good luck.
 
The VO in the beginning sounds a bit melodramatic and if you set it in China and made the girl a boy training in Kung-Fu, you'd see it's a bit generic in storyline.

The dialogue is more story-book speech than normal.

Main problem is that I am emotionally disconnected from the characters and the story, it doesn't evoke or provoke an emotional response.

I also felt I was being 'told' a story instead of being caught up in the adventure of the story. I feel that's the main problem.
 
lambert said:
I thought it was pretty effective for what your doing Max. I'm not a big fan of writing English dialogue to substitute for Arab or French, but in this case its a necessary evil.
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Arabic's tough to render well in English, it's true. Of course we never put a location to the order's stronghold, so they may also speak Persian, Turkish, Aramaic or all-of-the-above, which are likewise unlike English in their structures and rhythms.

lambert said:
I wasn't clear if her seductress training had any relationship to the magic in the world (i.e. was magic enhancing her ability to seduce).
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It's intended to read as technical training. Gifts in these stories tend to be quite specific and while trainable, they are not teachable. Doubtless somewhere out there are people with useful Gifts of a distinctly sexual nature, but Malaika's ability to bend time is the extent of her special ability. The rest is training and discipline.

lambert said:
Maybe flavor the dialogue up with some French words/slang (seems pretty sanitized as it stands).
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In fact the city and environs are a patchwork of Moroccan, French, British, German and commercial zones of settlement and authority. The idea of Malaika speaking with a streak of polyglot slang turns me on like you wouldn't believe...and a great way to avoid the admittedly theatrical and kind of stilted dialog she's stuck with, now.

lambert said:
I don't know how much Paul Bowles you've read but you might check him out.
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I have seen The Sheltering Sky; outside of that all I know of Bowles is what William S. Burroughs had to relate, about him. I'll see what I can pick up.

lambert said:
Overall I think you aren't far off. Good luck.
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Thanks!

Charli said:
The VO in the beginning sounds a bit melodramatic and if you set it in China and made the girl a boy training in Kung-Fu, you'd see it's a bit generic in storyline.
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I think that the melodrama can be cut a bit by tailoring the dialog towards that sort of argot that lambert suggested. I guess one could say that the children-trained-as-fighters bit is generic in the sense of its use, but then again it's also increasingly widespread in reality...

Charli said:
The dialogue is more story-book speech than normal.
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Yeah. To the degree that it's anything, it's for the most part literary-feeling rather than dramatic, and I'm not sure I'd envy an actor tasked with delivering much of it. Well, this is why we rewrite...

Charli said:
Main problem is that I am emotionally disconnected from the characters and the story, it doesn't evoke or provoke an emotional response.
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Maybe the trouble is that there is no small level of detail with which it can hook emotionally. I mean, there is detail in the description, but I'm starting to think that it needs to offer more of an inner emotional connection into Malaika herself, beyond sort of broad themes of manipulation and betrayal and whatever else might be going on.

Charli said:
I also felt I was being 'told' a story instead of being caught up in the adventure of the story. I feel that's the main problem.
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That probably also can be addressed by developing more about Malaika herself that engages the reader. I think I was hoping that her predicament and some degree of charisma in her character would do it, but it seems like it needs more.
 
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Sad Max said:
the world wars never happened (the story is set in the 1920s)
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not to nit-pick, but don't say "wars"(plural), because in the 20s, only ONE world war had occurred. maybe just a type-o? at any rate, "WWI never happened"?
or, "the world war never happened"? i'm only mentioning it in gest, as if i were reading a treatment...sorry to sound nit-picky.

:thumbsup:
 
Charli said:
...Main problem is that I am emotionally disconnected from the characters and the story, it doesn't evoke or provoke an emotional response. I also felt I was being 'told' a story instead of being caught up in the adventure of the story. I feel that's the main problem.
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I had that same issue with Legend of the Seeker. Wow was I excited for that show, told all my friends. I love that magical world stuff, swords, wizards, legends. But I could not stomach more than watching two episodes of that TV series before I never watched it again. Same for the new TV series Spartacus (I only watched one episode, which I have to say I liked, I was wowed by the cinemetography and CGI, but I mean who wants to watch '300' every week?). I didn't care about the characters, they were Toons, 2D.

So be careful that does not happen to the TV show / character in question in this thread.
r
 
I glanced at "The Lemon" this morning and you might find it interesting (long time since I've read it). Mohammed Mrabet told the story to Paul Bowles who taped it and translated. This novel deals with a 12 year old Moroccan boy who runs away to the city. Widely available in libraries and book stores.
 
Randall_Oelerich said:
Same for the new TV series Spartacus (I only watched one episode, which I have to say I liked, I was wowed by the cinemetography and CGI, but I mean who wants to watch '300' every week?). I didn't care about the characters, they were Toons, 2D.
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Boy, did you ever miss out!...I am saying without reservation, Spartacus improved so much by the final episode it's hard to believe it was the same show. The first episode was pretty bad. The second episode wasn't great but better. But the show totally found its voice in the third episode and took off from there. Seriously great writing in the rest of the episodes...and believe me...you will care what happens after what they put those characters through. That show pulled no punches....My wife missed the first few episodes so I re-watched the first couple with her and was shocked by how much the show did improve.

Anyway, I will look at your script Max and give you my thoughts. Just noticed this thread now.
 
Batutta said:
Boy, did you ever miss out!...I am saying without reservation, Spartacus improved so much by the final episode it's hard to believe it was the same show....
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Okay I will give it another go, a couple of more episodes. I know it might be like some movie titles I have avoided and avoided and avoided and finally give in and watch only to discover what great movies they were.

Quid pro Quo. Okay you have to watch a little know indie, low budget, bombed at box office, but has a really great theme, cinematography (won an award). Title: Lost and Delirious. [Piper Perabo, Mischa Barton...; official selection at the Sundance Film Festival] (trailer here) Two thumbs up by Roger Ebert, so at least you know it has some merit. Don't let the theme keep you from watching it, it really is quite good. Let me know what you think if you watch it. This is the film that inspired me to take up screenwriting, because I saw the power that story has to bring out important issues through film, like the angst of forbidden love (hmm, I think Shakespeare did that!).
r
 
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I'll echo what Charli and Randall have said, it's well written but too much telling , not enough showing. I'd cut the narration altogether at first, see if your scenes work dramatically by themselves and then layer in only the narration you need, if any. As you mentioned this is backstory but the narration makes it feel more like backstory. Biggest story note is that I'd start off with her being separated from her parents as a child, that would provide an immediate emotional hook it currently lacks. And I'd make her a little older when it happened, old enough to understand what's happening but not old enough to remember. As is, the final twist is good but it seems like it comes out of nowhere and doesn't have the emotional impact it should.
 
Randall_Oelerich said:
Okay I will give it another go, a couple of more episodes. I know it might be like some movie titles I have avoided and avoided and avoided and finally give in and watch only to discover what great movies they were.

Quid pro Quo. Okay you have to watch a little know indie, low budget, bombed at box office, but has a really great theme, cinematography (won an award). Title: Lost and Delirious. [Piper Perabo, Mischa Barton...; official selection at the Sundance Film Festival] (trailer here) Two thumbs up by Roger Ebert, so at least you know it has some merit. Don't let the theme keep you from watching it, it really is quite good. Let me know what you think if you watch it. This is the film that inspired me to take up screenwriting, because I saw the power that story has to bring out important issues through film, like the angst of forbidden love (hmm, I think Shakespeare did that!).
r
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I will check it out.
 
Thinking upon your story a bit more Max, I think emotionally it should be structured like this; 1st ACT, Malaika loses her family, 2nd ACT is Malaika trying to be accepted by her new family, 3rd ACT she finds her old family and has to choose between it and her new one. In the end she choses to be alone. Focusing on these emotional beats in your rewrite should make it resonate more. Keep your eye on what the character needs (the love of a family) and why she can't get it to drive her through the story.
 
Chris Light said:
not to nit-pick, but don't say "wars"(plural), because in the 20s, only ONE world war had occurred. maybe just a type-o? at any rate, "WWI never happened"?
or, "the world war never happened"? i'm only mentioning it in gest, as if i were reading a treatment...sorry to sound nit-picky.

:thumbsup:
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The overall story arc ends in 1948, by which time of course WWII "would have happened" in our own time line.

Did you read the script itself?
 
Batutta said:
Thinking upon your story a bit more Max, I think emotionally it should be structured like this; 1st ACT, Malaika loses her family, 2nd ACT is Malaika trying to be accepted by her new family, 3rd ACT she finds her old family and has to choose between it and her new one. In the end she choses to be alone. Focusing on these emotional beats in your rewrite should make it resonate more. Keep your eye on what the character needs (the love of a family) and why she can't get it to drive her through the story.
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I don't know if I can structure it in precisely that way, but I like the idea.
 
Sad Max said:
I don't know if I can structure it in precisely that way, but I like the idea.
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I'd try and introduce a bit more conflict between her and her master, maybe having her work a bit more for his approval as he becomes a surrogate father.
 
That's great - if she's worked harder for his approval and confidence it gives her betrayal of his training more impact at the end...and makes the choice of master-versus family that much tougher...
 
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