Logline Help

O

odetotud

Member
I'll start my own thread after realizing I may have overstepped my boundaries posting my logline in alex's thread.

If you could look at mine I would appreciate it.

Young, a resident psychiatrist, is entering his fifth year of a four year program. To finish he must prove to his mentor he can determine why Leonard is who he is, a serial killer.

I would appreciate any comments and suggestions.

odetotud
 
A resident psychiatrist entering his final year, must prove to his mentor he can determine why his assigned patient is a serial killer.
 
A resident psychiatrist entering his final year, must prove to his mentor he can determine why his assigned patient is a serial killer.
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I like seansshack's, maybe try and round it out with consequences at the end to make it a little more attractive. But only you'ld know what to add there.

e.g. ......is a serial killer or lose hold of his own sanity
....or the serial killer will go loose and kill again.
....or he'll be deemed a failure among his colleagues and have to earn a living as a high school guidance counselor. (now thats terrifying)
 
I'm not clear from the logline whether Leonard:
- is 'officially' a serial killer, and Young is trying to confirm that diagnosis is correct (which doesn't sound very dramatic, unless there's some other reason the official diagnosis will otherwise be overturned)
- is officially just another patient but Young is trying to prove that Leonard is actually a serial killer
 
clang said:
I'm not clear from the logline whether Leonard:
- is 'officially' a serial killer, and Young is trying to confirm that diagnosis is correct (which doesn't sound very dramatic, unless there's some other reason the official diagnosis will otherwise be overturned)
- is officially just another patient but Young is trying to prove that Leonard is actually a serial killer
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I would find it most interesting if the mentor were the serial killer. That way it's the slacker Young up against the master psychiatrist with the impeccable reputation.
 
alex whitmer said:
It's a little confusing. Why is he entering his fifth year in a four year program? Is that an important piece of the plot?

Who's Leanord, Young or the mentor?


A resident psychiatrist cannot graduate until he can prove to his seasoned mentor he is a mysterious serial killer.

a

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That's even more confusing. Is the resident trying to prove that the mentor is a serial killer, or that he himself is a serial killer?
 
Hey let me clear this up.

Young, the resident, must diagnosis why Leonard is a serial killer to his mentor.

About the 5th of a 4 year program, his mentor does not think he is ready and the test to prove he is is Leonard.

The late graduation is a way to add conflict with the mentor and an impatient wife.

Hey thanks for the curiousity in this. It's is getting me motivated to work on this screenplay again and I have found it difficult recently.

Also there is a twist with the serial killer and is that something that I want to give away in the logline.
 
odetotud said:
Hey let me clear this up.

Young, the resident, must diagnosis why Leonard is a serial killer to his mentor.

About the 5th of a 4 year program, his mentor does not think he is ready and the test to prove he is is Leonard.

The late graduation is a way to add conflict with the mentor and an impatient wife.

Hey thanks for the curiousity in this. It's is getting me motivated to work on this screenplay again and I have found it difficult recently.

Also there is a twist with the serial killer and is that something that I want to give away in the logline.
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You don't want to give it away, but you need to give a sense that there is a twist, or some other sort of mystery.

Graduation is a boring source of suspense if you ask me. There needs to be a sense that the serial killer is going to get away if Young doesn't succeed.
 
In it's current form, there's a lot of vagueness and the conflict isn't especially grabbing. The main character isn't defined well so the irony doesn't poke through. I think I can see what you want it to be about, so the trick is boiling it down with efficient use of language.

"A slacker psychology student with an excuse for everything begs to be given one final chance...and discovers that his last chance case study is a serial killer!"

That's better I think, although mine still leaves a TON unexplained. It could be a comedy or a thriller. Did the professor DO this to him? Is the guy in danger? I guess, but it also sounds like it could be Analyze This! with a serial killer, like they become best friends or something.

Check out Blake Snyder's book Save The Cat! He's big on loglines since he uses them as a mantra of sorts for building the screenplay.
 
How's this:

A resident psychiatrist must diagnose why a patient has become a serial killer to prove to his mentor he is ready to graduate.
 
odetotud said:
I'll start my own thread after realizing I may have overstepped my boundaries posting my logline in alex's thread.

If you could look at mine I would appreciate it.

Young, a resident psychiatrist, is entering his fifth year of a four year program. To finish he must prove to his mentor he can determine why Leonard is who he is, a serial killer.

I would appreciate any comments and suggestions.

odetotud
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What is at stake for Young? That he might not graduate isn't a sufficient risk to him, in my humble opinion. It has to be a life or death struggle, whether physically, mentally, emotionally or better yet, psychologically (especially if this is a psychological thriller or drama).

Your logline should clearly convey the conflict, the risk and adverse consequences that your protag will suffer if he fails.

Will Young be at the mercy of the serial killer as a result of Young's contacting the sk? Could Young be destroyed in some way if he fails to accomplish his goal?

Since I haven't read your script, I don't know. But capture the conflict and the risk, and you just might garner enough interest in me to want to read your script.

Best regards.
 
andromeda said:
Since I haven't read your script, I don't know. But capture the conflict and the risk, and you just might garner enough interest in me to want to read your script.

Best regards.
Click to expand...

Yeah, a story about how someone *becomes* a serial killer is interesting. Most stories about serial killers don't cover this much other than some obligatory stroke about "His dad abused him" or some other stock remark.

I've always wondered about what makes someone a sk, the DNA? it's a big mystery and seems like potentially fertile and fresh ground.
 
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