SHORT: Leaving - small and personal film

[gatecrusher]

This is my first attempt at writing and directing. I did everything on my own, apart from the collaboration with a friend - Shunto Sugiki, who wrote the music. The idea was to show the feelings and emotions of a woman, who is losing something of her own, by leaving someone special behind both literally and metaphorically. I was very nervous while filming, strangely enough Petya (the girl who starred) was exactly the opposite. In the end of the day, it turned out as I had imagined it, I changed very little from the shooting script. I was impressed how effortless was the editing part, due to the fact that I had the film in my head and on paper for a first time. However, since I posted the short online I'm disappointed by the lack of feedback I'm getting. So please guys, any critique/opinion on this one is very much appreciated.

https://vimeo.com/64326142

 

[Gary Huff]

Okay, here's what I noticed:

You set the film up as a series of hard cuts, but have a dissolve from the Jameson bottle to the girl in bed. Take out that dissolve, and have it cut. The dips to black are appropriate because that denotes passage of time, which works for all but the segue into where she lights up. I would just do a hard cut here as she's in the same clothes, in the same position and location. The only difference is the addition of the cigarette. If you have another, unused shot to cut to to bridge the gap between smoking and not smoking (like a hand picking up a cigarette or fumbling with the package or something) then I'd stick that between the two shots.

I think you should play with the contrast a bit more. The image strikes me as a color piece with a simple B&W filter applied and no other adjustments. I think having the contrast make the image more of a stark difference in the highlights and shadows will help a bit.

The music is very nice.

The single shot of the piece of luggage was unnecessary, because we get the exact same shot a moment later with the girl in the frame. It feels like you wanted to make sure people noticed the luggage, and I think a bit more appreciation of your audience is needed here that they'll notice it in the b.g.

At 1:47 you have what, I think, is your biggest technical flaw. First, never make your talent "hunt" for anything. The wallet should have been right at the front, so she can just reach in and pull it out. The picture should have been right there where she's going to open the wallet, so that she can do it with one smooth motion. It's frustrating to watch someone fumble in this manner, and you never see it unless it's a specific point of the story (and even then, it's usually done in a way where the story is directly commenting using that sort of fumbling, such as in comedy with a character who is a klutz, or horror in which it's getting in the way of an escape). This makes the shot drag on. Then, when she finally gets the photo, it's like you weren't prepared for her movement, so you start to tilt up to her face, then change your mind and pan over to the hand with the photo instead. Be confident in your camera moves, and if you mess it up, do it over again and add that confidence to the shot.

I think the story makes more sense to you than it would to a third party viewer. You wrote that, "The idea was to show the feelings and emotions of a woman, who is losing something of her own, by leaving someone special behind both literally and metaphorically." and I don't get the idea that she is leaving someone special behind. I assume that's what you tried to get across by the photo, but you need to show who is in the photo. The photo could be of her dad, her mom, a sibling, a pet, a stuffed animal even. Every one of those choices can color the narrative differently. You could easily make this clear just by getting a good photograph that you show in the film...simply by the nature of age difference and the way they are posed can tell a huge backstory (also, would someone of college age actually be holding a printed photo? Seems like it'd be on their phone).

The biggest problem is that, in a piece of this nature, every single shot should tell the viewer something new about the character, and I don't feel this accomplished that idea. I think that's why it feels rather boring. I'm a pretty active viewer, so I'm constantly searching for whatever information I need to make sense out of the scene. A lot of this felt like repeat to me, not giving away any new information. Plus, the cuts don't have a rhythm...sometimes they follow the music, sometimes it feels random, and this makes it feel jarring to me.

Hope that's helpful.

 

[gatecrusher]

Gary thanks for the detailed analysis. It's always helpful. I think several things are worth mentioning. The short was filmed in black and white and I played quite a bit with the contrast. I'm by no means editor, colorist or cinematographer, I would have loved to have someone more experienced and technically proficient on board for this project. I plan to focus on writing and directing in the future.

My main goal here was to let the viewer into her emotional state. To show her feelings. To create an atmosphere. The idea I shared in the original post was the starting point. From then on, as I was writing the script, I made the conscious decision not to reveal the identity of that person from the photo. For me, showing the face was going in a different direction. I wanted to leave that to the viewers' imagination. It was used as a plot device just like the luggage. A vehicle to reveal more about herself.

About that shot you consider unnecessary, I used it as a transition from the bathroom back to her bedroom. Also there, if you look at her face in the mirror, just before the cut, you can see her slip into thoughts. I intentionally showed the luggage to point out what she thinks at that particular moment. It makes sense to me. Anyway thanks again and would love to hear more opinions.

 

[Gary Huff]

I wanted to leave that to the viewers' imagination.

I like a story that has confidence behind its direction, and when it fails to reveal certain plot or character information, it makes me feel that the writer wasn't confident about making a choice, and thus makes no choice at all. That's not to say that you always have to reveal every single little point of a story, but, at the same time, the writer is the God of that world and should know everything about what's going on, even if they don't choose to reveal it (rightly or wrongly). But this is such an important plot point that it makes zero impact. Like I mentioned before, whatever that photo is of can change the story in a myriad of ways, and that, I think is the problem. It's not just a couple of possibilities, it's a ton of possibilities, and that taxes the imagination instead of firing it up. The Vimeo page also says its an "intimate look" ..."intimate" is far from this concept. When I am intimate with someone, I know specific, private details.

It was used as a plot device just like the luggage. A vehicle to reveal more about herself.

The luggage revealed that she's going on a trip to me, and nothing else. This idea is then repeated again with her positioned in front, and then yet again when she actually leaves with the luggage. That's why it feels long.

About that shot you consider unnecessary, I used it as a transition from the bathroom back to her bedroom.

You don't need transitions like that because you've already established the style with the jump cuts. And if you hadn't, that kind of transition really only works if the luggage is near the bathroom door and we see her walk out and sit down in front of it, instead of a cut from the bathroom scene to the luggage and then a jump cut to her in front of the luggage.

Also there, if you look at her face in the mirror, just before the cut, you can see her slip into thoughts. I intentionally showed the luggage to point out what she thinks at that particular moment.

Perhaps if she had looked towards the door instead of down at the sink it would have made more sense. Better still is to have the bathroom door open with the luggage seen outside of it. Additionally, you've already established her thinking about something continuously before this moment. Almost six shots of her thinking about something have been seen prior to this, so now I, as the viewer, have moved on from this concept.

It makes sense to me.

A trap a lot of people fall into. It's familiar with you because you are intimate with the story. For someone completely unassociated with the story, you haven't revealed enough or shown enough detail to make me feel as though I am just as intimate with this woman's inner thoughts as you are.