SHORT: In Need of Review: Does the comedy and violence balance?

C

ccp024

New member
Hello! I have just finished making a new short film. As a high schooler, I hope you guys can understand the budget constraints. What I am looking for is some honest feedback though. Some of my biggest concerns are the audio and how to fix it, The lighting (How do I get "white" temperature lights when all I have is 500 watt work lamps), The cinematography (Im actually getting more and more content with it, but opinions are great!), and I suppose the story line too. I don't think I am that talented of a writer, but I am curious to hear what you guys think. Was I able to keep a decent tone? My goal was too keep the funny right up against the violent, does it work? Or do I need more of both? Also I am was super excited to have the chance to use music, so I hope that worked out well. Overall some constructive criticism of what I can work on improving for my next film would be great. Also, so I can maintain some sort of self esteem, what am I doing right that I should keep doing or do more of?

The film's title is Locked Out, here is the link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l96tcj76whY
 
High school, huh? Not bad!
Constructive criticism is tough to give, because we have to be realistic given your experience level and lack of resources. I would say that, given these limitations, there's nothing "wrong" with the piece that isn't par for the course.

One of the biggest hurdles for us young filmmakers is the lack of professional acting. The best way to get around this is to work carefully on your script and make it with as few spoken words as possible, and to be careful with your casting so that actors who are obviously not adults don't have to try and play adults. "Locked Out" could have told the same story in half the time with 1/4 of the speaking, and could just as easily have been played out between the teenaged children of adult neighbors, which would have worked better casting-wise and also added another layer to your script.

The best moment, in my opinion, was non-verbal, when that totally clean-cut, suburban kid opens the ottoman and pulls out a .45 and a bag of cocaine! So unexpected! Moments like these were the strongest, whereas the weaker moments were the talky bits. Your camera work and intuition is pretty good, so a lot can go unspoken.

Great job, that's way better than anything I ever produced in high-school.
 
Criticism may not help on this project, but the next one...

Pretty good, but some things stick out.

First shot, slightly blown out highlights in background.
Lots of HISS on the audio, levels too high, mic too far from subject. See inverse/square law. Since there's no dialogue in that shot, can easily redo the background sounds / car sounds. Maybe need better preamp / recorder. Definitely lower levels to keep that noise from being so prevalent.

Shot on back stairs, too shaky for no reason.

Interior windows are blown the bleep out.

Is there some reason the two are dressed almost identically and look similar to boot?

Dialogue is clunky and expository. How could you write the window conversation in half the words?

You also have the very real copyright issue on the Johnny Cash music. The record company could order it taken down from Youtube (or worse!).

When the two are inside, the lighting issues become apparent. Hard bright 500w halogen in your face isn't smooth. To match closer to daylight (through the windows), you can try gelling blue CTB, but that dims the lights and costs money for gels.

You could also bounce the lights to get them less hard on the faces. The spill from their shadows is also apparent on the walls behind them.

If the sun was coming in through the window at the correct angle, you could bounce some light around, and it would be the same color.

Your scary drug dealers sort of look like Bieber could take them. Not much to do about that. Perhaps more dramatic lighting / camera angles next time. More quirks, stuff for them to do.

Action sequence could have used more speed, less hesitation, closer angles, better selling of the strikes and gunshots...

Now, I'm scratching my head what the point of the story is. Is this meant to say something about the guy who moonlights as a runner? Is there some significance to him being locked out? If so, what? How can this be incorporated into the whole story, beginning / middle / end? How is this being locked out a metaphor?
 
Thank you so much Mr. Yarbrough! And I agree with the acting thing, it is incredibly tough. However I don't want to give up on dialogue completely! I'll have to confront it eventually, so I'm trying to get lots of practice. I felt that dragging expository feeling early on too though, and I'm not quite sure what to do to fix. What I thought I would do next time is try to make the dialogue slightly more comic and fun, which also would make the characters a little more like able, so later on it actually matters when one is about to get shot. I'm not sure though, I definitely think a cut down of some sort would be appropriate.

And thanks! I love hearing that parts actually caught people off guard, that's probably the best compliment I have got thus far. Thanks for taking the time to review!
 
Thank you for the constructive criticism mail4joeg! I won't address everything you told me in the response, but know I am taking it into consideration! But these are the things I do have questions about.

I actually don't even have a preamp for my audio, I run it directly into the 5dmii with an XLR to 1/8th inch chord. I don't necessarily know how to get rid of that hiss, it's pretty awful. Would a preamp fix that? And if so, do you know anything cheap?

then as far as lighting goes, I actually am banking those lights off the walls and through a white sheet at the same time. They are so overpowering it's obnoxious. The only time I was able to get a semi decent look was when I put it outside to come through the curtains, it's dulled it down a lot. But that blue ctb gel sounds like it may work! Would that give me a more "white" light and also would fire be an issue?
 
Hey -- let's see. The preamp issue is pretty important. Is this a powered mic (in which case the preamp is built in)? Which mic are you using, and does it put out line level?

A good preamp is a few hundred, I believe. People recommend JuicedLink. I don't own that.

A dimmer might help too, and if you could make barn doors for worklights. There are free diy tutorials around if you're handy. I tried one, but wound up abandoning it. I just used tin foil a couple times like a snoot.

Some low cost florescent bulbs can put out daylight. I would recommend a CRI of 90 or above though, as anything less leads to major color problems. China balls with florescent bulbs are one way to go. Floros don't dim though. If you try, they'll possibly blow up.
 
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