HVX Psychological Thriller - first draft

J

jefft99

Active member
Thanks for taking the time to comment. A new draft is in the works...some very good points made below...

Very rough cut to a psychological thriller I'm working on. (I've previously posted the teaser) This is the full short, though I'm still working on titling, color correction, the opening, the operator voice, etc., etc, etc,....In either case, I'd love your thoughts - particularly if the story line is confusing.



Thanks so much.

Jeff
www.envisionfilms.org

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Interesting.... I didn't feel any real threat was upon your actress from this trailer, it seemed her dilemma was all in her own mind. I'm not convinced from this clip that there is or ever was anyone else present. Just my observation.
 
I loved your shots, the style, the acting, and the story itself was interesting... however, I didn't get the ending...
I was under the impression that this was the short itself, and not the trailer, am I mistaken?
I enjoyed it! Very well done...
 
What settings did you use. I was impressed how it was shot, particularly the low light. The blacks looked good. How did you avoid video noise and grain and still create excellent images?

thanks
 
yes, this is the whole film...
I used - 9 master ped and prayed. This is actually the first time I've used the HVX...still much to learn. ;-)
I also had a little flourescent which I snuck right in the dash...
Thanks for the comments...sorry for the compression...Is the story clear?
 
the story was clear to me. I thought it was told in a interesting way. Looking forward to seeing the whole feature. When can we be expecting it? Will it be out on DVD?
 
Okay man, you asked. I'm not here to pat you on the back and say "good job" like your friends will do, so I hope I offer up some constructive criticism.

- My problem: no payoff for all the buildup.
- Too long and too slow. Cut it down to 2.5 or 3 minutes top and increase the tempo. Make it frantic.
- Tiffany really can't act, so I'd cut out most or severely limit her face time.
- Don't reuse footage...there were several shots that I'd seen before
- At the start, replace the dial tone with her heavy breathing and start start at the 25sec mark (side profile) which is a great shot BTW
- Drop or limit the screen time for the out of focus shots (at a minimum, @ the 31, 37 sec mark)

Keep on hacking man as I know it is HARD to cut your own footage.
 
i agree with microbob.

i thought it was way too long and there was not any payoff at the end of the short. it may have just been me but i didnt follow what was going on...i mean all the crying and whimpering but yet i never saw anyone or felt that there was another prescence around her to make her feel like she is in danger. was this all in her head? i thought the shots were pretty cool but i thought some of the blurred shots were too long and i also noticed you used a few of the same shots over more than a few times. making the trailer shorter will solve that problem though. also, the first thing i thought about when i she was in the basement with the television monitor was the movie SAW.

good luck with the rest of it though. the sound and picture quality dont seem to be a problem for you definately as they both were great.
 
looked pretty good man..welcome to the HVX club ;-)

I wasn't crazy about the story/length.. For a short, you have to really hit us hard.. It was pretty much the same feeling from start to finish..

Lets see some more stuff!
 
I think it needs to be tightened up some. Some of the shots just kind of linger and really don't do anything to move the story forward.

i agree with not using the same footage over again. I mean if she uncovered the cell phone why would it be covered up again later in the film?

I'd like to see some other angles of the vehicle.

I think some tighter cuts would give us more of a sense of urgency. To me it feels like she's waiting on AAA to come out and fix a flat.

Do they have cell phones that give you a dial tone? None of the ones I've ever had do. I've never heard that disconnected signal either.

You say "her long and terrifying wait begins... Or does it?" So if this is just playing out in her mind, there's nothing to really tell me that. If it's something else going on, I haven't figured that out either. :)

Some nice visuals though and a good score.
 
No offense...but I really hate all these movies that constantly show women as victims, and a lot of dumb violence towards women.

There isn't anything psychological or thrilling about it.
 
If she is having a meth binge and just delusional, then I may get it, kinda sort of. I think you need to clarify the story more. I thought the performance was good, I liked the lighting and shot composition. It just suffers from the editing and lack of story.
 
I'd have to agree with most of the comments here and add the thing that really gets to me is that your sound design is just too HOT on the levels... and they seem too crisp and pulled from some effects CD. Doesn't have any dynamics and levels.. just one high constant shrill and really turned me off from the start so I couldn't get into the story. I also agree about the tone at the beginning...


Sound should be subtle when it needs to be... and explode and add mood.. but with this its like slapped across the whole thing and it's grating. I'd go in and find more things to make it come across as a complete piece and not just a collection of effects.. and I'd also lower the music levels and the effects.. You got it peaking in there!


An interesting take though and when tightened up you might have something... Kind of like what they did with the Machinist..
 
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