How does this flow?

[odetotud]

Does this make sense?? If not, what isn't working for you?

int. police station - Evidence room - day


Thomas pulls a chair up to a small TV which sits on the end of a cluttered desk. He pulls a VHS tape - marked 1/3 from its case, puts it in a VCR and hits play.

The TV's black face turns to static and then fuzzy video footage.



TV SCREEN - A long hallway runs from the bottom to the top of the screen. Mailboxes from the apartment building line the left was and an elevators closed doors on the right side.


The Unknown Man appears from the top of the screen. He walks with his hands in his jacket pockets with a ballcap pulled down low covering his face.


BACK ON THOMAS - He leans in close to the TV


TV SCREEN - He stops at the elevator, hits the button with one of his knuckles and waits. The elevator DINGS open. He enters and disappears inside the elevator.


A MUTE, 20's, woman appears from the bottom of the screen rushing up the hallway struggling with a bag of groceries.


The elevator door begin to close. An hand appears just before they close stopping them. They reopen. The woman disappears into the elevator.


BACK ON THOMAS - His face reddens.


MEMORY FLASH


UNKNOWN MAN'S POV - Mute enters the elevator, leans against the wall and takes a deep breath. She signs while mouthing "Thank you"


The Unknown Man's hand swirls in front of the buttons. He looks back to Mute. She holds up 3 fingers.


The Unknown Man hits three and then two with his knuckle. Looking back at the Mute she is searching in her purse.


The Unknown Man twists off the EMERGENCY STOP button while she digs in her purse. The elevator stops and the doors DING open.


BACK ON THOMAS - Sweats beads on his forehead.


TV SCREEN - Static


Thomas grabs another VHS tape marked 2/3 and places it in the VCR.



TV SCREEN - Static turns to another hallway. The Unknown Man exits the elevator and turns back to face it. He pulls a knife from his pocket and waves it back and forth in front of him. He motions up with the knife.


MEMORY FLASH


UNKNOWN MAN'S POV - rushing up a flight of stairs pulling on rubber gloves. His shoulder bounces of the wall at the top of the flight and his rushes up the next flight of stairs.He busts through th e door pushes it open with his body.


BACK ON THOMAS - Panting, sweat beads fall down his face


TV SCREEN - Static


Thomas places another VHS tape marked 3/3 into the VCR.


TV SCREEN - Static turns to another hallway. The Unknown Man flies out of the stairway door and turns left rushing to the elevator.


BACK ON THOMAS - pauses the VCR


TV SCREEN - A grainy shot of the Unknown Man's face.


Thomas touches the TV screen.


THOMAS

Who are you?


Thomas presses play on the VCR.


TV SCREEN - The elevator doors open and the Unknown Man disappears with the knife leading the way.


MEMORY FLASH


UNKNOWN MAN'S POV - The Mute drops her bag of groceries and her purse. She has some keys in her hands fashioned like brass knuckles.


Mute lets out an EERY SCREAM.


She punches at Unknown Man with her keys. He dodges and she glances his chest drawing blood. The Unknown Man grabs her neck and drives the knife into her chest.


The Unknown Man pulls the knife out and shoves Mute to the ground by her neck. He stands.


Mute crab walks into the corner of the elevator trying to get distance between. She takes breaths deeper and deeper but gets no air.


The Unknown Man watches as Mute's deep breaths become more shallow until they ultimately stop. Mute's body goes limp.


The Unknown Man kneels down next to Mute. He moves his gloved hand down her face and over her breast. He vertically slashes each of her wrists numerous times.


The Unknown Man pulls off Mute's shoes and socks.


BANG. A door shuts in the distance.


The Unknown Man pulls up Mute's shirt, dips his thumb in a pool of blood collecting in her navel and quickly paints the blood on each of her big toes.


BACK ON THOMAS - Panting now. Sweating profously.


Hector, Gothard and UNIFORMED OFFICER enter.

 

[clang]

The 3 tapes are from fixed surveillance cameras? - that could be made a little clearer in your descriptions, presuming it will be obvious onscreen to the audience (grainy footage, time and date, odd high-up angles etc).

I'm confused by the POV swap to the Unknown Man - is Thomas imagining what happened (CSI-style)? I presume Thomas is clearly not the Unknown Man himself? So as a viewer, Im confused re why I'm seeing the Unknown Man' POV, unless we're going to be swapping between him (evading Thomas) and Thomas (hunting him down) throughout?

To be picky, how do we the audience know the woman is mute? I've seen plenty of (non-fatal!) elevator encounters where not a word is spoken, even though all concerned can speak.

 

[Ionian Enchanter]

Sup B.
Alright, so, it's not bad, but the errors are your biggest concern right now for flow. I had to backtrack a few times. I know this is mad rough and whatnot, but it interrupted me hardcore... just a bad thread to be rough in.
Other than that it flows nice. I had to read it 2 times to understand the stairs part, but on the 2nd go, it was quite clear... so i think i'm just an idiot. ;D
But why would he let he go to the next floor after showing her he had a knife? What if he got up there, gloved hands and knife, panicking deaf woman in elevator.... and some other residents waiting to go shopping... and ready to give the police accurate descriptions? lol
I know your "who are you" moment rests on the camera catching his face as he comes out the stairs....
If that's the case, then maybe move that movement to right before he shows her the knife. That way it's before the reader even knows what the man is up to, which makes you wonder why Thomas is so interested.
This also cuts the scene down to 2 tapes.... though it cuts out one of the flashbacks, which i'm sure you're trying to establish.
Hmmm...i dunno bro.
But ya, i think it flowed rather well.

Edit: After reading the other post, i agree. I think i had less problems as i know where you're going with this, so i got the whole flashback thing. It may be more confusing for those who don't know what's what. Though, leaving them wondering for a few pages isn't a bad thing, just as long as you don't wait too long to let them in on it.
Good luck!

 

[odetotud]

The 3 tapes are from fixed surveillance cameras? - that could be made a little clearer in your descriptions, presuming it will be obvious onscreen to the audience (grainy footage, time and date, odd high-up angles etc).

For your 1st para - I'm just finding it difficult to describe the scene without giving camera directions. Your right I could probably just say - As seen for a high-angle surveillance video camera at the end of the hallway. Would that be clearer?? I hope

I'm confused by the POV swap to the Unknown Man - is Thomas imagining what happened (CSI-style)? I presume Thomas is clearly not the Unknown Man himself? So as a viewer, Im confused re why I'm seeing the Unknown Man' POV, unless we're going to be swapping between him (evading Thomas) and Thomas (hunting him down) throughout?

I was hoping the MEMORY FLASH - would explain that Thomas is piecing together what the camera is not displaying somewhere from his subconscious memory. IF there is a better way to get the across, I'm all ears.
The Unknown POV is simply because I don't want to show his identity yet, only that he may look similar to Thomas.

Was it clear that the scene was The Unknown Man's POV the entire time until - BACK ON THOMAS is written?? That was the intent but I could see if that was confusing with all the paragraphs. Looks a little better in CELTX.

And yes we will be swapping between Thomas' and Unknown Mans' POV until the midpoint when Unknown Man's identity is revealed.

To be picky, how do we the audience know the woman is mute? I've seen plenty of (non-fatal!) elevator encounters where not a word is spoken, even though all concerned can speak.

I was hoping the having her use sign language for "Thankyou" while mouthing it was clear enough, but it may not have been.
Just thought a mute scream might be creepy

 

[odetotud]

Sup B.
Alright, so, it's not bad, but the errors are your biggest concern right now for flow. I had to backtrack a few times. I know this is mad rough and whatnot, but it interrupted me hardcore... just a bad thread to be rough in.
Other than that it flows nice. I had to read it 2 times to understand the stairs part, but on the 2nd go, it was quite clear... so i think i'm just an idiot. ;D

What errors specifically are you speaking of so I can work on em??

But why would he let he go to the next floor after showing her he had a knife? What if he got up there, gloved hands and knife, panicking deaf woman in elevator.... and some other residents waiting to go shopping... and ready to give the police accurate descriptions? lol

Just portraying that killer is getting more risky. And thought it was creepy having him show her the knife and she had to know he intended on using it when the doors opened again. Imagine what is going on in her mind. SCARY

I know your "who are you" moment rests on the camera catching his face as he comes out the stairs....
If that's the case, then maybe move that movement to right before he shows her the knife. That way it's before the reader even knows what the man is up to, which makes you wonder why Thomas is so interested.
This also cuts the scene down to 2 tapes.... though it cuts out one of the flashbacks, which i'm sure you're trying to establish.
Hmmm...i dunno bro.

Yeah, I don't see it working in only 2 tapes. Pardon me being obivious here. 1st video - They get on the elevator; 2nd video - he gets off on 2nd floor (just to try to induce the fear of the girl); 3rd video - 3rd floor - the murder

But ya, i think it flowed rather well.

Edit: After reading the other post, i agree. I think i had less problems as i know where you're going with this, so i got the whole flashback thing. It may be more confusing for those who don't know what's what. Though, leaving them wondering for a few pages isn't a bad thing, just as long as you don't wait too long to let them in on it.
Good luck!

Not sure what you mean by this. I know you have more knowledge of the situation than the other poster, so what do you see as possibly being misconstrude so I can make it clearer.


Thanks for the thoughts all, keep em coming!

 

[clang]

Saying 'MEMORY FLASH' is all very well on the page (although it actually suggests a flashback to me, not Thomas imagining what possibly happened in the past), but how will the audience know this? In CSI-type programmes, they frequently do so by having two investigators talking through what they think happened, while the audience sees what they're imagining. That can also add drama, as the two investigators can disagree or make multiple conflicting suggestions or exclude certain possibilities, all shown to the audience. But I don't know whether your plot would allow multiple investigators. You could of course 'cheat' that by e.g. having Thomas speaking into a tape recorder, giving him a sensible reason to say aloud what he's thinking...

 

[Ionian Enchanter]

What errors specifically are you speaking of so I can work on em??


Just the grammatical errors. Missing and misspelled words.


Just portraying that killer is getting more risky. And thought it was creepy having him show her the knife and she had to know he intended on using it when the doors opened again. Imagine what is going on in her mind. SCARY


I see where you're going with that... and i like it.... but my situation stands. How does he know there aren't other people waiting on the 3rd floor?


Yeah, I don't see it working in only 2 tapes. Pardon me being obivious here. 1st video - They get on the elevator; 2nd video - he gets off on 2nd floor (just to try to induce the fear of the girl); 3rd video - 3rd floor - the murder

lol What i was saying is if you had the man kill the woman on the 2nd floor, then it would just be the 2 tapes.

Not sure what you mean by this. I know you have more knowledge of the situation than the other poster, so what do you see as possibly being misconstrude so I can make it clearer.

The flashbacks. Why is Thomas seeing it through the man's eyes? I know why, so it made complete sense and might for others once you let them in on it. But like the last poster stated, that kind of plot device is usually for speculation as to what happened. This is different, but you can't tell from reading it.
That's why i was suggesting not to put off informing the reader too much, as that actual situation might not be realized. They might just think it's speculation.

Hope that helps clear things up.