Help with Scene and Sound.

U

Unk_a1

New member
First off I would like to say how thrilled I am that I was able to find this interactive forum. I have been looking everywhere for a place for discussion and questions...Yahoo Answers just doesn't cut it!

Now my question...I need help, for the life of me I can not get this scene to sound or feel right. For the past four months I have been dissecting and adding trying to get it right with no hope. It has really been frustrating but hey that's writing, isn't it?

INT. LARRY DOUGLAS' HOUSE - DAWN

BEDROOM

The room is dark. LARRY lies asleep in bed.

A COMMOTION of noise, from somewhere in the house, breaks the silence of the setting.

However, Larry doesn't hear it and remains asleep.

Seconds later, the commotion erupts --

THUMP-THUMP-THUMP-THUMP

Larry's eyes burst open, staring

The clamor of MEN'S VOICES murmur from downstairs.

Larry rolls on his side, glancing at the clock --5:04a.m.-- he immediately turns away, pulling the covers over his head. .

The bellowing sound of GRUNTS holler through the halls.

Larry lies motionless, trying desperately not to let it bother him, but his curiosity is just too much. He hurls the covers off and creeps into the --

HALLWAY
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Some notes I want to add to help :

He doesn't know what the noises are...and does not care, not until the grunts.

In the next scene HALLWAY he goes down the hall and discovers it is actually movers who are moving his furniture. But he doesn't know right away, he says what are you doin", they just look at him confused and give no reply because they know what they are doing what is Gary doing. So he still believes they are robbers. Not until one of the "robbers" continues working and goes out the front door does he notice "Movers" on the back of his shirt.



This is how I want it portrayed :

- The room is dark quiet and peaceful he is sound asleep
- A noise from downstairs -- he doesn't wake
- Another noise but louder -- He wakes
- He stares at ceiling unsure what woke him -- muffled voices down stairs
- looks at clock, too tired to care rolls back over.
- lying there and...-- grunts erupt from downstairs.
- reluctantly gets up and goes out of room.

That is the basic gist of it.
I want to to follow that format but for some reason I can't make it simple and I am just making it difficult.



I just don't know how I should introduce the sounds.
Should I be more descriptive... Bang a door slams shut somewhere in the house he doesn't wake. Thump-Thump echos from the stairs, he wakes eyes wide. PUT in MEN VOICE MUFFLED: Whh--yyya---oiin. Looks at clock goes back to bed. Men grunt MEN VOICE: UGHHH!! URRRHH!!


I am just lost.
Help and honest comments are welcomed.

Thanks again
 
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EXT.
First off I would like to say how thrilled I am that you was able to find this interactive forum. We've been hiding but you found us.

“The room is dark. LARRY lies asleep in bed.” - childish

“However, Larry doesn't hear it and (of course) remains asleep.

“THUMP-THUMP-THUMP-THUMP”

childish-childish-childish-childish

Forget about Whh--yyya---oiin, UGHHH!! URRRHH!!

Maybe you should just record the sound.

“Larry's eyes burst open” how old are you, twelve? You have to many short sentences.

“He stares aimlessly at the ceiling”

If he stares at the ceiling technically he has an aim.

“his senses on alert”

How many? You should specify. ;))))))

“Larry rolls on his side, glancing at the clock --5:04a.m.-- he immediately turns away, pulling the covers over his face. . .”

How old is ... Larry? Also twelve?

“Agonizing GRUNTS reign out through the halls.”

I really hope that one mover is killing here the other one with the wardrobe.

“Larry lies motionless in his blanket filled ball. He tries desperately not to let it get to him (He’s doing some karate kicks?) but his curiosity is just too much. He hurls the covers off and creeps into the --
HALLWAY”

Drama, drama, drama...

What’s left of it is OK. I can only be happy the other one hundred pages are all right. Good luck. Glad to help. See you, in about five-ten years.


Wait till you see those goddamn bats...
 
Holy cow! The guy wants a little advice, so he came here and asked. If he wanted to be abused and humiliated he would have gone to the DMV. Cut him a little slack, this isn't supposed to be one of "those forums".
 
Humiliation? Abuse? Please... I’ve make it sound like a joke. Nothing more. Maybe not you, good Samaritan who actually didn’t helped at all should be the judge. My advises are ironic but good. I have a little fun he has his advise. Quid pro quo.
 
djinjis said:
EXT.

Wait till you see those goddamn bats...
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Yes, thank you...Gonzo, I'll watch out, does HST know you are stealing his lines. :smile:

I guess I forgot to mention it is a drama-comedy, mostly comedy. This opening scene has to be cliche... I always thought when writing screenplay less is more. Short and to the point, so they can hurry and get to dialog. It really isn't a feature length movie more of a show set-up.
 
INT.

Borrowing his lines...I'm dedicating the book to him. He's pleased. And is Raoul Duke actually...

“I always thought when writing screenplay less is more”

That is more what you'd call "guideline" than an actual rule. It’s a matter of taste. Subjective. In translation: more quality through less crap. But you still have to put something in. If you write: “He comes. She sees him. They talk.” I predict you a career as short as your sentences.

“Short and to the point, so they can hurry and get to dialog.”

So they say, but it’s a lie. A beautiful written screenplay always makes a strong impression, even if they don’t want to recognize it. Even if they don’t realize it. But they do. A very few can see the value in a schematic screenplay. You have to seduce them. Or not...

Bye.
 
So with your opinion, what doesn't fit up above with the scene.

What would you do to make it sound better....? I need help here man, hit me with what you got.


Should I axe the sounds (Thump, Uggh!!,)...I'm confused...beyond confused, what do I need to do to make it sound better for you.

thanks
 
Quick, real quick, thoughts: current method of writing screenplays it to leave sounds in lowercase. Also do not write negatives, only positives; for example do not write "Joe does not see...", but only "Joe sees blah blah blah".

Congrats on formatting your writing correctly (sluglines, etc)-- at a local screenwriters group there were writers there who have been writing screenplays for years and still did not even know how to do a proper slugline, e.g:

(this is incorrect of course):
INT:ROOM, DAY
Drinks coffee. Drives car.

One writer at the group wrote a feature screenplay and the hero was named SURVEY WOMAN. No first and last name, just SURVEY WOMAN. Ugh.

The first time you introduce a character, use all uppercase as you did, but you also should give some indication of age and brief appearance (at least if this is a player we see more during the story).

As others have said, make the writing concise, to the point. Make the writing visual, and sounds as needed. Let us see the scene visually as much as possible. What is the look on the character's eyes? Very briefly, tell us in a few words where we are, what the scene looks like.

Conflict, conflict, conflict. Every scene should have some sort of conflict if possible.
 
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djinjis said:
EXT.
First off I would like to say how thrilled I am that you was able to find this interactive forum. We've been hiding but you found us.
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Wow, way to be an ass. You just joined the 29th. Not saying that is a bad thing - but I guess you don't fully understand what this forum is meant for. We don't berate people for asking questions. We try to help move them along and be a generally happy community of independent film makers.

And to be honest with you - if you think the show not tell, less is more idea of a screenplay is personal taste - I would say you are sorely mistaken. Flowery language and detailed description will not get your script read. Filling the pages with general un-needed crap is bound to get your script thrown out.

Most agents - more specifically interns working for agents - will try to find any excuse they can to stop reading your screenplay and toss it, or just stamp rejected on it to skip out on detailed coverage.

It's the way the industry works. Think what you might, but that's how it works. The guidelines are there for reasons. And unsolicited script most likely won't get read anyway.
 
EXT.
“Wow, way to be an ass.”

Conflict, conflict, conflict. Every scene should have some sort of conflict if possible. Guess what? It’s possible...

“You just joined the 29th”

Are you spying on me?

“ Not saying that is a bad thing - but I guess you don't fully understand what this forum is meant for.”

No, you didn’t guessed it. I understand, I just don’t care.

“We try to help move them along”

Well, try harder.

“ be a generally happy community of independent film makers.”

I prefer the drama.

“if you think the show not tell”

Where did this came from? To many beers?

“ less is more idea of a screenplay is personal taste - I would say you are sorely mistaken.”

Do I? If less is more then nothing is perfection, ha?

It’s a matter of equilibrium between less and more that’s why is so hard to write.

Here is a screenplay for you: veni, vidi, vici. But I’m thinking what more I can cut out. Because less is more, neh?
Of course it’s a personal taste, otherwise everybody would just use the universal formula.

One piece of advice. If you try preaching the Bible, don’t look up. God is not interested.
 
Okay, I think the biggest problem (to me) is using the wrong words. Eyes don't 'burst' open. A 'clamor' doesn't 'murmur'. I'm not sure I like the combination of 'bellowing' and 'grunts', but they certainly don't 'holler down the hall'.

His eyes could FLY open.

There could be a clamor of MUFFLED voices, maybe.....although that still doesn't seem quite right. Maybe clamor shouldn't be used here. Maybe a growing sound of muffled voices?

And grunts could ECHO down the hall.

These are the points that make it hard for me to read. Otherwise, I don't think you're conveying more information than is necessary. I can take or leave the "THUMP-THUMP-THUMP". Maybe just say "He hears loud thumping sounds coming from somewhere down the hall."

If it were me, given the feeling you're wanting to convey, I would add a little to the opening lines.

"The room is dark. LARRY lies asleep in bed. All is calm, quiet and serene."

"Suddenly, from somewhere in the house, A COMMOTION shatters the silence."

But that's just me.
 
chapelgrovefilms said:
These are the points that make it hard for me to read. Otherwise, I don't think you're conveying more information than is necessary. I can take or leave the "THUMP-THUMP-THUMP". Maybe just say "He hears loud thumping sounds coming from somewhere down the hall."
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That is what I was also wandering...Can we use "he hears" or "we hear" -- Is one better than the other?



Also I don't mean to start problems here... I appreciate everyones help, I really do. I understand when a newbie comes around, it is hard to take them serious and that's okay.

And --djinjis -- All though his first post was a bit sarcastic and rude, I didn't take it to heart because I understood some of his jabs (ex. the bats are everywhere) and he helped me some with onomatopoeias.



I was just looking for some help and I have been more then impressed with everyones knowledge. I like it when I ask a question -- I get an answer'e' to help me...not me helping the answer'e', understand the basic structure of screenplay. I thought it was hopeless to find any help.

Your answers have really helped clear up some issues I am having with "sounds" and how to introduce in a suspenseful manner.

Thanks again.
 
I prefer to avoid saying 'we hear' or 'we see'. It's not really important, in your scene, what 'we' hear. What matters is what HE hears. And HE hears the thumps.

Just my 2 cents.
 
My understanding also is to avoid the use of "we hear", "we see", etc. My paid mentor consultant really had to pull out the cat 'o nine tails and hit me with a few lashes when I sent her my first draft of my first screenplay-- I had way too much prose narrative, I needed to learn to avoid "we see", needed to learn to put sounds in lowercase; but to my defense that is what the books were telling me-- but then books are often several years outdated by the time they are published, not in sync with current hollywood standards.

I think the original poster's scene has basically sound (good), just a little tweaking is all that is needed. Just a little.
 
chapelgrovefilms said:
I think your post was unnecessarily abusive and abrasive. But it ain't up to me. The mods will decide. It's their board, not mine.
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Actually, you are wrong there. It is our board, put here for our enjoyment and education. The mods are in place to make sure everyone can enjoy it without being attacked by sarcasm and insults, as well as to make sure that things stay on track.
 
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