GH2 GH2 Narrative Short for Project Twenty 1 contest

Psynema

Psynema

Well-known member
Here's the submitted version of a short I did with a few friends for Project Twenty 1, which is a contest where you have to make a short film from scratch in 21 days (like the 48 hr fest but 3 weeks).


Any thoughts or critiques? I'd like to revamp this. I for sure will be re CC/grading it. Nominated for best cinematography and directing.

Thanks

GH2, flowmotion, 7-14mm, 35mm rok, 85mm rok, 135mm Canon FD but sparingly.
 
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I can give you a lot of feedback on this but you may want to give me some parameters on where to direct it (and what level of diplomatic vs raw you would prefer). Send me a PM if you want.
 
Okay, I will focus on trimming and cutting and try to ignore one of the main other areas (sonic) that is a main concern. :)

The biggest issue with the current editing is a lack of urgency/immeadiacy. Here are more in-depth comments, from start to finish.

- Ca. 00:06 after "Hi Rachel", cut the first shot of his agitated face. A delayed reveal will help the viewer connect with the character more and that is definitely not the actor's strongest shot.

- Shorten pause before Rachel's first line.

- Longer fade out from Rachel's face (make sure to start before she looks down).

- Slightly shorten pause in dialog at 00:21 (this will be an ongoing theme - keep it conversational as opposed to dramatic pauses because they are not working well at the moment and make the film seem pretentious which it really does not have to be)

- Cut to Rachel sooner after the book lands - the soundeffect makes a good pivot point.

- In the first shot of closing the box, shorten the shot by starting as the first flap is already being closed. It contributes to a sense of urgency.

- I would consider cutting most (if not all) of the black pauses in the short (including earlier ones). They are not adding - they give the viewer a moment to disconnect from the character and the only way to sell this story is to keep the viewer close to the protagonist.

- Consider giving the close-ups of the clock either a slightly jagged or a vintage look. They are too glossy and do not communicate the meaning of the shot to the protagonist. Consider what he is feeling and what the clock represents when doing the color - it should not lock like a product photography shot.

- From 1:06 to 1:12 consider either shortening the section or using more cuts. Given how much his hand is shaking, he's not that focused yet.

- Grade the past shots differently than the present ones. I definitely misunderstood the timeline on first viewing and grading would be much clearer than the black spaces (which are just not working).

- Pacing shot should be caught tightly on action for entry and exit - not on a weak point in the movement.

- The shot on "instead we talked" should actually (for a change of pace) be slightly longer. You can use the pause in the dialog here (it fits) and make more of it by making sure the shot gets a moment to breathe. Same thing for the shot ending with "you're too..." Basically, make sure the cuts do not anticipate the dialog too much in the entire window sequence. You may want to try experimenting with crossfades to compliment the overlapping/interrupting moments in his thoughts instead of hard cuts, but that is optional.

- Consider a split-second flashback (3 to 24 frames) to the falling pills shot from earlier when he says "I'm out, I knew it". This can help bring us closer to the character by putting the emphasis more on his feeling of powerlessness/being a victim of circumstance as things spin out of control as opposed to letting the viewer disconnect and think about his situation. You don't want them to think too much before the "in his mind" sequence - they should be experiencing and feeling now, and thinking more later.


- Even more specifically, once again you want to cut more tightly after the sound of the pill cap hitting the floor, whether you follow the advice above or not for the sequence.


- Around 2:08 the cutting from the shot to the walking doesn't quite gel yet. Maybe we are getting too long on the start of the walk in the first shot given the speed of the walk in the second? Not entirely sure. What I do know is that his eyes are effective as he looks up around 2:09 and you want to make sure to capitalize on that. It is one of the actor's better moments so far.


- Shorter pause after "breathe" and make sure to cut when you start the sound for the watch. It's not working having it anticipate - partially because of the disconnect between that approach and the music.


- Cut to his eyes on one of the beeps, not between them. Once again, it pulls the viewer closer in and gives less of a sense of distance from the events.


- Less footage of the phone after he finished dialing.


- Great editing right up until the word "mail". The cut to his face is just slightly too early.


- No editing comments up to about 3:06 (except fade out the beeps, don't cut them off abruptly because it draws attention to the absence and leaves the sound work more exposed).


- No comments up to about 3:27 (editing is generally quite good here) but a split second too long on the black pause. This should also be the first black pause if you want it to have impact.


- No pause in black ca. 3:33 - fade almost all the way out to black and start fading in the next clip before you get there. Too much black space will ruin the effect of the black space around 3:27 (and it will place much more emphasis on the exact timing of the spacing relative to the music, which you do not want to have to deal with).


- If the "Hello Eugenes" were tracked separately, consider altering the sync of the two by a few ms. I didn't mock it up but my guess is a 3-5ms adjustment could really help get a better effect out of it.


- Start the first shot of Red and White a little bit closer (still before the smile but just a little less distant from Red and White when we first see them).


- Editing works right up until the headshake on "not yet". Try tweaking that cut slightly so it feels more fluid. My guess is that you'll want to start a few frames further into her motion so that you don't get the jerk of her starting to shake her head. Remember - flow is super important.


- My usual advice about the cut on "Alright, who are you?"


- Cut to White on "what is this" feel similarly jerky to the last one.


- Stay a little longer on the first shot of "it's not me you want to cut... it's her". Once again, just follow dialogue more closely. Never draw agitated attention to a moment unless something is happening - and remember that a cut will do that unless it lines up.


- I like the next bit right up until about 4:18. It has good flow. Just cut the transition into the second shot of her lifting the sword so that it feels more like one continuous motion as opposed to a start, stop, restart effect.


- Cut the music with greater subtlety here - no big bowed metal sound. The change in the dynamic is very important but the specific moment of the transition and change is not so precise - and the sound and music should reflect that through more of a build and overlap. You don't have to re-write the music, just cross-fade and if you use the metal sound, mix it further back and lower in volume.


- Generally, I'm liking the use of the wideangle by the way. It's working for you.


- Usual advice about editing around "it's her or you". But this time with the additional advice to really hone in on whether this should be comedic or dramatic. Because if it's dramatic, you may want to crossfade into his because the scene would be more about what he is feeling/doing (though a nuanced hard cut could work to). If it's comedic is more about the situation itself and should definitely be hard cut.


- I like the next shot of him getting up. Dialog works both for him and Red. Just pick the moment to cut to the shot of Red to more closely follow the dialog.


- Next bit of editing is working well.


- Cut closer to either "days" or "hours" on the cut to Red. It's too in-between at the moment.


- Consider shortening the lead up during the shot for "what about her". The actress has great nonverbal acting at that point, but the shot lingers slightly too long before the action.


- Works great for the next bit.


- Work on the cut for the hand-off of the book to make the hand-off smoother.


- Editing works very well (I can't give any suggestions for improvement) up until she says "it's blank". Try to cut the shot to give just a split second more time before she says the line. Right now it feels a little rushed (and as a result she seems less certain and confident and more timid and thus less effective in her admonishment).


- The shot going from Eugene's picture to the blade is a little too long. Consider starting slightly later in the shot and having the cut come in right after the book hits. (If you want a sense of urgency, the rhythm of those cuts to active sound will really help).


- Cut sooner after Eugene looks up.


- Cut after he picks up the blade but before he starts turning it.


- Cut sooner after she bites the apple again.


- Cut to him on the word "me" instead of all.


- Start later in the shot of White for "you too". We want the shot to be there to show her personality and the entrance of the blade, but we cannot linger on her personality too long before the action or we lose the sense of urgency.


- Delay the cut slightly on the word "both" of "both of you" so that it doesn't feel the camera is rushing the actor.


- Linger slightly longer on red so that we cut to Eugene as he starts pointing after the word "noise" but preserve the current dialog timing.


- Have the flower footage at 6:32 start later in the camera movement to get a smoother result or make the cut happen a little earlier (we don't necessarily need the extra tail on the shot of White to get the best of the shot).


- Cut to Red has to go more smoothly with the piano - try to cut on the sustain instead of the attack.


- Don't cut to the clock until the sound effect ends. You don't want to leave too much space but make sure the beep doesn't start until the viewer registers the shot.


- Cut back to the clock sooner - before he makes it much further than halfway down the hallway.


- Massage the timing from the cut around 7:08. It feels just a little bit too stop/start.


- The next 2 cuts work perfectly.


- The cut to the clock at 7:16 happens a little too late. Cut before the camera movement in the previous shot gets too far/slows down too much.


- I'm undecided about the change in the clock noise - maybe you want to keep the sound omnipresent from the start of the 30 second countdown onward. I'm not paying attention to whether the current timing works in real-time or not so I defer to your judgement.


- Cut sooner after "jumping in".


- The door doesn't take that long to close (or at least does not feel like it should) so leave a bit less room at the start of the shot where Eugene enters the car.


- Lingers slightly too long on the hand on Eugene's head.


- Not really sure what to say about the sound effect/special FX at the end. They don't really work, especially with the explosion mixed so that there is no sense of space.


Anyway, the film feels like it should be at least 30 seconds shorter. The actors generally have good body language and non-verbal instincts and the editing just needs to support them more. Remember that doing "action" straight in a low-budget/no-budget film rarely works well and typically requires a great deal of finesse - it is better to have that action carried by a connection to the characters and the strength of the performance (plus spaces/changes and textures in the music as opposed to accents).


The weakest point of the film is the post-production side of the sound and the scoring. I could write volumes about that but you didn't ask for it (and I haven't been hired to work on that). Suffice to say that I have strong feelings and instincts about sound that I've refined based on my music composition, producing, recording and mixing work on two continents including projects with Grammy winning artists - so I don't let that side slide. :)


Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing your final polished version. There's a lot you can do to make the most of it in the editing alone and I hope you take advantage of that.
 
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Doesn't anyone else want to give feedback on this? I'm pretty sure he was looking for more diversity of opinion than two comments. :)
 
@berylium @Egg Born Son

Not trying to be a wet blanket or anything, but is there any chance of shifting the emphasis from sophomoric humor to strengths and weaknesses of the short film? :)

Forgetting the specifics of the people involved, what are some things you guys liked or disliked about the content or style of the film as opposed to the people appearing in it?
 
EDIT: Per Lichtman - patience my young padawan... it takes longer than 12 minutes to review an 8 minute film :)


For the first two shots of the girlfriend cut before she looks down after each line of dialogue, it doesn't add anything. It doesn't come across as character driven, it looks more like a 'i've done my line, cut!' sort of move. If she is looking down as part of her character she should only do it once and it should be a lingering shot. As it stands it's just an action without motivation.

The fisheye shot at 1.29 looks good (other than the windows) but I didn't like the swinging back and forth. If you edit it with him walking left, insert a closeup or something and then back to the fisheye moving right, then insert a shot, back to moving left, it will be less seasick. Each pan in isolation looks great but in combination is unpleasant due to the optical effect of the fisheye. If it is a deliberate effort to be disorientating it doesn't gel with the character's delivery at this time. At 2.12 the fisheye 'seasick' handheld movement does support the story/character because this is point the character's calm/equilibrium begins to be upset.

3.03 the sound of the beeping may benefit from being attenuated rather than silenced. I see why you did it but simply turning it down will convey his concentration more elegantly. The sudden absence of the beeping forces you wonder as to the meaning. Has the beeping stopped or it is an editing choice conveying his concentration. Turning it down demonstrates it's an editing choice and hence the question isn't raised, it calls less attention to itself and ceases to be a distraction.

The photo you choose at 3.30 is great! Inspired choice. Very effective.

Too late now but the way the sword is handled looks very wrong indeed. With the blade edge held towards themselves. Some attention to handling it correctly would have elevated this scene greatly. This could have been a standout scene indistinguishable from high end tv/film with just a little work in a few areas.

5.31, if you can ADR her to say something other than 'it's white'. Having established the colours red and white as significant the words should not be used in any other context anywhere in the film. 'Blank' is acceptable, and 'there's nothing in it'. But unless it is to reinforce to him to cut the white wire (he's white) it is a distraction to your established colour significance.

7.38 is the spiral on the ring significant? If not it's a distraction. If it is I would have liked to have seen the image also planted early in the film (unless you did and I missed it). Red car/red nail polish significant? In this case it's visual transgression and I don't mind the ambiguity as much. Was the girl red and he was white? If so my above comment about 'it's white' becomes moot.


I liked it. Other than what I mentioned above I thought the editing flowed well and the story was focussed and cohesive. Not much is needed that wouldn't require a reshoot. Some nice ideas and well executed colour theme. Good script. There's always a danger of coming off pretentious with a device like the red/white colours but you carried it off completely. A few little distractions in the production design were the only things that detracted from it. The apartment had clearly been dressed, not just filmed as it was. The middle part very filmic. I really liked the shots of the photo on the table. Loved the light, the design, colours, the photo, everything about those shots. Maybe not everyone would notice the sword handling but it was very wrong by all parties. The girlfriend is the weak element but some editing can help make her look better. Especially those first two shots. Overall the acting was pretty good, especially given the amount of preparation time. The man had the most script to work with so did the best job. The girlfriend had very little to work with and it showed. She should have been given more attention and direction in developing a character during pre-production.

Really not much to complain about here. Per Lichtman gave a very exhaustive list. Whether I agree with it all I don't know, I was focussed more on the bigger picture and just paid attention to the moments that took me out of it. I'd certainly consider all the points he mentioned, he's gone to a lot of effort. But ultimately decide for yourself and make your decisions in the context of the rhythm and flow of the piece. It is well paced, doesn't drag and you've already trimmed pretty much all of the fat. There's a nice surprise at each stage of the movie and the pacing is close to spot on. I think it will be well received.
 
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+1 To pretty much everything Egg Born Son said about the acting, sound and creative choices. I focused almost exclusively on the editing in my comments but I agree with almost all that was said about the other areas.
 
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