SHORT: Gates of Ivory Short Film

A

Anthony Gavis

New member
Hello everyone, I've been a frequenter of DVXuser for quite some time and finally decided to make a profile to show off some work. I just got finished with my newest short film, "Gates of Ivory" and would like some feedback. This is the biggest project we've finished so far and would really appreciate your opionons. Thanks!

http://vimeo.com/35720131

Synopsis:
What starts as a thesis project, turns into something completely different when a young man opens a door into his own mind and yields unexpected results.

Here's some Screenshots


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00:15 Pan in rocking
00:30 dark
01:00 whats the white thing really? Is it a sterilizer?
01:35 loved the LSD comment - very funny, love that guy
02:25 the side to side eye thing is overdone as is the looking around
02:55 this black transition was way to long. transitions before were abrupt
03:00 dark
03:27 dark, not mentioned again
04:54 same same on looking around too much then he starts walking around looking a really long time.
almost a minute before picking up a nut. Wanted to fast fwd.
06:15 "to at ease" statement came across canned. This guy is funny - what did he want to say?
06:55 camera is shaking all over while he is watching tv
07:04 continuity issue, when he fell asleep he was in the couch corner , now the middle
08:15 long transition again, need to work on these throughout, not mentioned again
08:55 tie and green earrings? :) Way to many dudes throughout as well.
10:00 ten minutes in - story pacing is very slow. I would guess most people would have stopped watching.
10:35 I know it in his mind, but getting that table & crates from off screen is not believable to the viewer
12:50 going back on the gas again, will pan forward for something different, repeating,
15:50 car drove in a circle for 40 seconds of film then back to gas, more mind furniture
19:30 The guy found his friend out of it and tried to wake him in the mask. Next thing we see the guy is at the table and he is still in the mask. Boy he really cared. We then spend 30 seconds looking through a dazed mask view
20:40 You had a PG rating until the FU, why use it?
21:30 pan back is very shaky
Ending: Is he dead?


PERSONAL IMPRESSION: Cut in half or more, and come up with something better in his mind.
It's clear you guys enjoy making shorts and are pretty good at it. Get input on the script from many people before shooting.
The worse thing is to only ask close friends who say its always great when its not.
CHARACTERS: 7 Good
DIALOGUE: 7 Mostly good
PLOT/STORY: 4 Base idea valid, little story
CINEMATOGRAPHY: 5 Discussed in notes, so-so
PACING: 3 very slow to the point of stopping
ENTERTAINMENT VALUE: 3 Little
OVER-ALL RATING: 5
 
Well thanks for the feedback. Ya, the pacing got a little slow ill admit but its the first project we've done thats actually this long. As for the furniture, its supposed to come out of nowhere as its in his mind. And the white thing is actually a bread maker I tooled with; I meant to show more of it, because I rigged a little canister with liquid to lock into it although we couldnt find a spot in the video to actually put a shot of that without making it seem to obvious. I do appreciate hearing your opinion though so thank you
 
When booming, go as close as possible... 0,000000000000000000000000000000000001 inch out of frame = out of frame
But it sounds it was the on cam mic ?

Make some smoother fades between cuts, listen how the sound changes. Roomtone is very usefull sometimes (the sound of the room recorded for 3min)

You hade some good shots.

The sound is 2 frames out of sync, move the sound 2 frames to the right (the sound is to early)

I like it you don't put music the full 20 minutes.

In editing, cut here and there 1 or 2 frames, for example

01:44: this frame it's maybe better not to show it to long, so to have this, but then go more close in the other part of the scene.
the board on the cabinet is a bit distracting

Remove the breathing around 01:50 or make it a little longer

1:52 when they sit down, cut 2 frames at the beginning of the shot so it's smoother, know it feels like they're waiting

The first beep is a little louder then the others, make it the same...

The story itself is good, but a little to long I think...

So in general it's good, nice shots, the "shaking" camera is not disturbing for me because it's continuous (it would be more distracting if it was fix, not fix, fix, not fix...)
Try to be more "detailed" in cuttings (and in sound, crossfades can help a lot) and watch out for end of words at end of shots (half words, half breathings...)
 
Thanks for the input its really helpful! Sadly, we were running sound straight from the camera we didnt have the resources to run external sound, thus the bad acoustics and occasional unintentional background noise but thank you for the feedback. Like I said, this is our first project of this capacity and we'll take all this into consideration for the next one. We'll keep posting as we get more projects done, and hopefully you'll be watching with your critiques!
 
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