Gaijin
- Thread starter Mobie540
- Start date
jasonthewho
Veteran
Wow, talk about a timely entry.
Anthony Todaro
Well-known member
Epic is the word. Sounds huge.
timtorpedo
Well-known member
I like "Bomb over Tripoli" too ... has something Metropolis-like...
Anyway, look forward to see the project...
Anyway, look forward to see the project...
mobie. Very superficial comments at the moment to avoid spoilers, but I really liked this world you created and how it came to be (using current events). Ill give some more in depth thoughts on a few things I would like to in a few days.
taylormade
Well-known member
Interesting concept with a believable future world. A few things didn't hang together for me. The opening scene on the train seems to go on forever. It sets up Arkis' prowess, but it needs to be tighter. As written, the flashbacks work, but I think they would be confusing if shot this way. How do we know it's earlier in the morning?
SPOILER!
I didn't get how the old woman, who seems to have no connection to Arkis on the train, suddenly becomes his informant as he goes after Dun Jai. And the revelation that the Orphan Girl involved in Arkis' human trafficing case is really Dun Jai's daughter doesn't pay off with a "gotcha" moment. Instead, it seems contrived. There is no possible connection before this moment. Also, the blue injection is supposed to save Arkis if he stays too long on his assignment - why does it kill Dun Jai?
Lots of good action. A creative approach to the future, if a little derivitave of Blade Runner, but the story seemed convoluted and didn't tie together.
SPOILER!
I didn't get how the old woman, who seems to have no connection to Arkis on the train, suddenly becomes his informant as he goes after Dun Jai. And the revelation that the Orphan Girl involved in Arkis' human trafficing case is really Dun Jai's daughter doesn't pay off with a "gotcha" moment. Instead, it seems contrived. There is no possible connection before this moment. Also, the blue injection is supposed to save Arkis if he stays too long on his assignment - why does it kill Dun Jai?
Lots of good action. A creative approach to the future, if a little derivitave of Blade Runner, but the story seemed convoluted and didn't tie together.
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KhamIsk
Well-known member
It's very atmospheric. And ambitious I think. The dialog is very good and all the visuals are well conceived, I think.
I couldn't understand some of it though - the importance of a girl, why Dun Jai should oppose treatment (looks like it's for his own good). The punks, their description, explanation of what they are was very nice touch, original and made for an interesting read. Overall, I liked it a lot. Some clarity and I think it would be exceptional. Or maybe others understood and it's just me? See if others have the same complaint. Nothing that can't be rewritten in one sitting though, the main thing that the premise and the way you told it is really compelling.
I couldn't understand some of it though - the importance of a girl, why Dun Jai should oppose treatment (looks like it's for his own good). The punks, their description, explanation of what they are was very nice touch, original and made for an interesting read. Overall, I liked it a lot. Some clarity and I think it would be exceptional. Or maybe others understood and it's just me? See if others have the same complaint. Nothing that can't be rewritten in one sitting though, the main thing that the premise and the way you told it is really compelling.
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
Notes:
- Have you been reading Rod's book on how not to write a screenplay. What is with these massive action blocks. Three or four lines at most. If it's longer trim and compress.
- Arkis? is this a guy, gal, old, young. The name gives me no description.
- That first bloated action block can certainly be trimmed and could be two blocks. White space will get you read.
- Why does every Samurai story have to involve Asians?
- You describe the punks entrance in great detail, but then you say 'the punk leader bothers the old woman..' how are they bothering her? Show us, let us worry.
- Why throw in that it's Miso soup? Does it matter?
- You have to walk a careful balance. Your action scene gets bloated with heavy description and it ssllooowwwsss down the read when you want to ramp it up. Try smaller bullets with more tight descriptions. Remember they have a fight coordinator for a reason, so describe just the important events.
- Which part? Great line.
You kinda rushed that ending, but I liked it. Another dystopian future piece. I wonder why most of us went with the futuristic pieces. Good job, just work on this hiccups above.
- Have you been reading Rod's book on how not to write a screenplay. What is with these massive action blocks. Three or four lines at most. If it's longer trim and compress.
- Arkis? is this a guy, gal, old, young. The name gives me no description.
- That first bloated action block can certainly be trimmed and could be two blocks. White space will get you read.
- Why does every Samurai story have to involve Asians?
- You describe the punks entrance in great detail, but then you say 'the punk leader bothers the old woman..' how are they bothering her? Show us, let us worry.
- Why throw in that it's Miso soup? Does it matter?
- You have to walk a careful balance. Your action scene gets bloated with heavy description and it ssllooowwwsss down the read when you want to ramp it up. Try smaller bullets with more tight descriptions. Remember they have a fight coordinator for a reason, so describe just the important events.
- Which part? Great line.
You kinda rushed that ending, but I liked it. Another dystopian future piece. I wonder why most of us went with the futuristic pieces. Good job, just work on this hiccups above.
Mobie, as previously stated I really liked the environment you set up and the overall atmosphere around this future scenario - which, btw, totally believable (as I stated before), because you used a current fear. I thought that was a great idea.
Within this interesting believable world the things that took place did at times seem a little forced - like heres what you should be thinking now - the most obvious was of course the VO from the protag. And this kind of continued to the end.
I thought it was a really good effort. This world certainly deserves some further exploration as well.
Within this interesting believable world the things that took place did at times seem a little forced - like heres what you should be thinking now - the most obvious was of course the VO from the protag. And this kind of continued to the end.
I thought it was a really good effort. This world certainly deserves some further exploration as well.