Tom Shortridge
Well-known member
Flicker
by Tom Shortridge
Two college buddies, looking for action, find more than they expected.
Flicker
- Thread starter Tom Shortridge
- Start date
Flicker
by Tom Shortridge
Two college buddies, looking for action, find more than they expected.
Tom Shortridge
Well-known member
Written between 6pm and 9pm on 8/10/08, after the script I intended for ScriptFest, "The Hunt," was picked up to be shot for TwilightFest.
RodThompson
Veteran
Meh...I entered my TwilightFest spec.
So you wrote it in three hours, AND made the poster. /bow
That, my friend, is why I have pledged my eternal devotion and first born child to you!
So you wrote it in three hours, AND made the poster. /bow
That, my friend, is why I have pledged my eternal devotion and first born child to you!
Tom Shortridge
Well-known member
First time using PhotoShop in, like, 6 years. It shows.
Tom Shortridge
Well-known member
And I'm not sure I want your first-born...
RodThompson
Veteran
I like the wind filter on the text.
Wind = Win!
EDIT: My first born ROCKS!
EDIT DOS: You see the new poster for 665 on the Coming Attractions page?
Wind = Win!
EDIT: My first born ROCKS!
EDIT DOS: You see the new poster for 665 on the Coming Attractions page?
Tom Shortridge
Well-known member
Hell yeah I've seen it, it's kickass.
Captain Pierce
Veteran
You know, Travis, at least, deserves to have a lawn gnome get medieval on his ass as he tries to run; and Phil probably shouldn't get away scot-free, either. I'd at least feel a little sympathy for Phil as he got injured somehow, but Travis just NEEDS to die horribly.
Format-wise, I don't pretend to be an expert on the "right way" to do things, but the early scenes look over-capitalized to me. I think you've got a good style working there, but I think it would work better in lower-case. But that's just me.
I like the mood you set with the candles, and the scene where they light by themselves could look absolutely killer on-screen. (No pun intended.
)
Format-wise, I don't pretend to be an expert on the "right way" to do things, but the early scenes look over-capitalized to me. I think you've got a good style working there, but I think it would work better in lower-case. But that's just me.
I like the mood you set with the candles, and the scene where they light by themselves could look absolutely killer on-screen. (No pun intended.
)
MiataFilmSomething
Well-known member
This script was a good effort, but for some reason it didn't do it 100% for me. I think it's because I was trying to find the main character and/or the main plot device. It was mostly just two guys wanting to take a peep, and then decide to go further. I agree with the above that the candles should have done something to Travis. Light that dude up! Or just make his crotch burn and he runs off, ida know. I think the guys got away too easily.
The candle lighting may be a half way easy effect to pull off. Light all of the candles, and then figure out a way to blow them out in a particular pattern or order. Then record the candles being snuffed out, and reverse the film. Waa-laa, the candles now light up!
I don't know if you've ever seen the movie Hero or not, but there's a few cool scenes where Jet Li is sitting in front of a ton of candles and every now and then the flames all move in the same direction. That would be a neat thing to incorporate into the script. Make the main character the dead husband, and have the candles move and light off and on all over the yard, as if they are stalking the two guys. I wouldn't go as far as to kill them, but he teaches them a lesson.
Your script is a great idea for a feature film. A dead character whose spirit lives on through the medium of fire. Cool!
The candle lighting may be a half way easy effect to pull off. Light all of the candles, and then figure out a way to blow them out in a particular pattern or order. Then record the candles being snuffed out, and reverse the film. Waa-laa, the candles now light up!
I don't know if you've ever seen the movie Hero or not, but there's a few cool scenes where Jet Li is sitting in front of a ton of candles and every now and then the flames all move in the same direction. That would be a neat thing to incorporate into the script. Make the main character the dead husband, and have the candles move and light off and on all over the yard, as if they are stalking the two guys. I wouldn't go as far as to kill them, but he teaches them a lesson.
Your script is a great idea for a feature film. A dead character whose spirit lives on through the medium of fire. Cool!
Russell Moore
Well-known member
I thought you did a good job of building suspense and setting the mood.
I would've liked more conflict and I agree, I thought the two got away to easily.
The candles lighting really worked and you created a cool visual.
I would've liked more conflict and I agree, I thought the two got away to easily.
The candles lighting really worked and you created a cool visual.
pauly_the_hitman
Veteran
I like the concept just kind of left me feeling like it should have been more dramatic. Like the others have said something even if small should have scared these guys into leaving, and maybe taught them a lesson in the process...
Pauly
Pauly
jamiejay
Well-known member
I agree with the earlier critiques. I definitely wanted something worse to happen to the boys... at least Travis. The repeated mention of the gnome made me think it was going to do something to the boys.
I liked the idea of the husband's ghost protecting her though and the candles lighting up by themselves was a wonderful visual.
I liked the idea of the husband's ghost protecting her though and the candles lighting up by themselves was a wonderful visual.
seansshack
Well-known member
Would edit the scene slug lines.
The gnome? What was with it, Is this something you meant to include but didn't get time to include? You drew our attention to it and then...nothing.
Some of the visuals and well written and presented. Helped create the mood of the story and "see" it as a short film, rather than story.
Over use of caps on display here too. I gave up using the technique outside of character descriptions.
Story was lacking emotion and tension I think. Needed something more to drag me in. But another draft should put this to bed.
Good luck with it.
The gnome? What was with it, Is this something you meant to include but didn't get time to include? You drew our attention to it and then...nothing.
Some of the visuals and well written and presented. Helped create the mood of the story and "see" it as a short film, rather than story.
Over use of caps on display here too. I gave up using the technique outside of character descriptions.
Story was lacking emotion and tension I think. Needed something more to drag me in. But another draft should put this to bed.
Good luck with it.
I really liked the idea behind this. The devotion of a wife to her dead husband and vice versa.
Not sure I really believed two frat guys could go from peeping Toms to committing rape. I think it may have worked better if they were strung out junkies looking for to get some cash for a hit which turned to something more or something similar. And one seemed to know an aweful lot about her, I kept wondering how? I think some more story with the wife was needed instead of the explanations. The payoff wasnt enough for me. Would have loved to see dead husband give them some what for.
Not sure I really believed two frat guys could go from peeping Toms to committing rape. I think it may have worked better if they were strung out junkies looking for to get some cash for a hit which turned to something more or something similar. And one seemed to know an aweful lot about her, I kept wondering how? I think some more story with the wife was needed instead of the explanations. The payoff wasnt enough for me. Would have loved to see dead husband give them some what for.