first thing i've wrote

3

3meater

Member
I've had this idea for a script and I thought that I'd write it today. It's the first thing i've ever written. I used a program called montage to write it. I don't know if this is allowed I searched, but couldn't really find an answer. If it's not i'm sorry. Well I uploaded it as pictures because I thought it would be the best way.
http://img229.imageshack.us/img229/7825/picture61cp8.png
http://img229.imageshack.us/img229/5057/picture7zb3.png
http://img229.imageshack.us/img229/280/picture8jd5.png
http://img229.imageshack.us/img229/6771/picture9ld5.png
http://img229.imageshack.us/img229/9026/picture10ih5.png
http://img229.imageshack.us/img229/4583/picture11wc6.png

Go easy on me lol.
 
3meater said:
I've had this idea for a script and I thought that I'd write it today. It's the first thing i've ever written. I used a program called montage to write it. I don't know if this is allowed I searched, but couldn't really find an answer. If it's not i'm sorry.
Click to expand...
Well... none of the experts have jumped on so here goes....

Go easy on me lol.
Click to expand...
Go easy on you? Ok, but do you want to improve or have us stroke your ego?

Well I uploaded it as pictures because I thought it would be the best way.
http://img229.imageshack.us/img229/7825/picture61cp8.png
http://img229.imageshack.us/img229/5057/picture7zb3.png
http://img229.imageshack.us/img229/280/picture8jd5.png
http://img229.imageshack.us/img229/6771/picture9ld5.png
http://img229.imageshack.us/img229/9026/picture10ih5.png
http://img229.imageshack.us/img229/4583/picture11wc6.png
Click to expand...
Actually, would be better if you had copied the text and pasted that into your post. Would make it easier to help rather than having to type out the parts of the script we are commenting on. (though 1/2 the script would probably show up as "poo poo").

Are you wanting to be a director or a writer? Even if your goal is to direct, you still need to fix up your writing. If the goal is to be a writer you really need to fix it up.

First thing that comes glaringly to the forefront is the direction. If your goal is to fund and direct what you write, you can probably get away with what you want. If you are writing for someone else to fund and direct, you need to leave out the directions.... Example from the first 'pic"

TRANSITION TO MERYL; THE CAMERA CONTINUES TO MOVE AROUND IN A CIRCLE. GOING TO THE NAMELESS BLONDE; THE CAMERA CONTINUES AROUND STOPPING AT THE AKWARDLY FAT GIRL.

As a writer you should leave direction to the director. Also caps (hard to read for starters) are generally reserved for introducing a new character such as

One girl MERYL is an attractive brunette,

or specific sounds etc.

Why do you have NAMELESS GIRL? If she has a name she should be named. If she is not important enough to have a name, make it descriptive such as TWITCHY BLONDE or something to that effect. (David Trottier The Screenwriters Bible suggests not giving a character a name (other than descriptive) in the first 10 pages if they are not important to the story later on).

I'm going to guess you're quite young, maybe high school based on the content of your writing. Try to get hold of some screenwriting books (such as The Screenwriters Bible), read scripts (they are all over the internet for free), sign up on some screenwriting sites etc.

Again, I'm not one of the screenwriting guru's on this site. There are others far better than I here and some of them may comment further at some point. At least this is a starting point.
 
Cryogenic Filmworks said:
Well... none of the experts have jumped on so here goes....


Go easy on you? Ok, but do you want to improve or have us stroke your ego?


Actually, would be better if you had copied the text and pasted that into your post. Would make it easier to help rather than having to type out the parts of the script we are commenting on. (though 1/2 the script would probably show up as "poo poo").

Are you wanting to be a director or a writer? Even if your goal is to direct, you still need to fix up your writing. If the goal is to be a writer you really need to fix it up.

First thing that comes glaringly to the forefront is the direction. If your goal is to fund and direct what you write, you can probably get away with what you want. If you are writing for someone else to fund and direct, you need to leave out the directions.... Example from the first 'pic"

TRANSITION TO MERYL; THE CAMERA CONTINUES TO MOVE AROUND IN A CIRCLE. GOING TO THE NAMELESS BLONDE; THE CAMERA CONTINUES AROUND STOPPING AT THE AKWARDLY FAT GIRL.

As a writer you should leave direction to the director. Also caps (hard to read for starters) are generally reserved for introducing a new character such as

One girl MERYL is an attractive brunette,

or specific sounds etc.

Why do you have NAMELESS GIRL? If she has a name she should be named. If she is not important enough to have a name, make it descriptive such as TWITCHY BLONDE or something to that effect. (David Trottier The Screenwriters Bible suggests not giving a character a name (other than descriptive) in the first 10 pages if they are not important to the story later on).

I'm going to guess you're quite young, maybe high school based on the content of your writing. Try to get hold of some screenwriting books (such as The Screenwriters Bible), read scripts (they are all over the internet for free), sign up on some screenwriting sites etc.

Again, I'm not one of the screenwriting guru's on this site. There are others far better than I here and some of them may comment further at some point. At least this is a starting point.
Click to expand...

The thing with the caps was just the program, when I set it to do something besides dialog it would go to caps. And the program has this thing where you type in the shots so I thought that was what I needed to do.
Yeah, I'm a senor in high school and I have had this bugging me "I should write a movie" for awhile. I don't know about becoming a screenwriter, if people give this some positive reviews I could rethink my major, lol.

Yeah I didn't do very much research before I started writing. I went to IMSDB.com and read the screenplays to Clerks and Pulp Fiction(my two favorite movies) and did it how the program told me.
Thanks for the help man.
 
Download a program called Celtx. This will definitely help out, probably more than the current program you've got going on.

I would also suggest reading books. Reading the books helps you learn the basics, such as setting up what you want to say, and all of the other goodies that come along with it. The thing is to develop your voice. That is what matters most. I don't mean to pry, but how long have you been writing? This is, on no part, criticizing your writing -- honestly, I haven't read the script but will in a second, this is my own personal interest in how long you've been writing. Do you feel confident in your writing? Have you found your niche that you love to work in, how to describe things, or is that just starting for you?

Okay, reading now.

Alright, so my first remarks are: don't deal with the directing. I'm assuming that from what you've written you might be planning on directing this, if you can. At the moment, while you're writing this, I say give as little fully detail description as possible. Here's what you should do; if you want to listen to me. Make two copies. One as a screenwriter, and one as a director. Have the less detailed, more writing concentrated as a screenwriter, and more camera friendly as director. That's the best advice I can give you on that topic. Also, bear in mind, that when Smith and Tarantino wrote their films, they knew they were going to direct, so they wrote it as all directors do. But you, at this time, just need to hone in on finding your style, if you haven't yet.

Don't worry about age. I started when I was a senior in high school as well. Look at me now, I'm only about three years older, and I'm still working at it. Also, another piece of advice. If you definitely want to continue with filmmaking, then I suggest definitely looking into film schools in the nation. There's UCLA or USC (if you can afford it, gah, they're expensive) and there's also cheaper schools (which would totally serve me). Of course, I shouldn't be giving you this advice, as one screenwriter to another handing out tips won't help me any.
icon7.gif


So, finally, I say just work on writing a lot. Write plenty of shorts, work on feature length scripts, read a lot. Syd Field's books are a good source. Read Trottier. Go to your local library, they should have some books there about screenwriting. If there's none there, I suggest dropping a twenty on buying a book. There's plenty of good, insightful books out there that'll help you on your way.

Hope this helps.

-Austen.
 
thanks for the advice man, especially the stuff about directing.
. as for the writing question, this is the first screen play I have really written, but I've always done good in English LOL
 
The way you wrote that screenplay.. made it seem like time wasn't passing by. Your descriptions were simply a literal description of the scene. Partially good, but you want to add depth. you want to describe what we are seeing HAPPENING. and while you are describing the ACTION you can throw in bits of description. Also, try and use subtext a bit more. Your character's dialogue sometimes is not natural. Over all you have a decent idea of writing a story.
 
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