first short critique

I can tell you what I thought, but I am not the most credible user on this site as I am a novice independent film maker as well. But since your looking for feedback, I'll give you some.
Pros: Beautifully Shot
Decent Story
Score well done
Decent Acting (minus that one scene towards the end)
Lighting seems consistent also well done
Cons:
Film dragged at parts could have been reduced in time. Some cuts should happen sooner as well. Some shots crossed the line. If I remember correctly, the cut to the opposite side the sink in the first bathroom scene is an example.

Okay I'm home from work, so I can give you a better critique. I really thought you did a terrific job on this film. The audio, score, film, direction were all fantastic. The only gripe I had about the film was the script, specifically its level of progression. For me, the climax of the film came around 4 minute mark when it is revealed he killed that other man. Because of this, the remainder of the film is basically an extended denouement in which the character comes to a realization. I think it would work better if the character had left himself clues that lead him to discover his own subconscious (like he did), but hold off revealing he had killed this other person until the end. I feel the film would hold the viewers attention a bit more if you had waited to reveal this pertinent information. Overall, I think the film was fantastic in all of the technical aspects. I just feel the script needed a little rehaul before you had started filming. Other than that congratulations, impressive debut.
 
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Firstly, I like the story. A man saved from drug addiction by ... himself or in particular his own self conscious who comes through as a psychotic event. Really cool. The only component of the story I couldnt full work out was - did he really kill that guy? Or all in his head. I think for the story, its an important point to clarify - and going further I'd personally prefer that it wasnt real, I can have more compassion for a drugo who saves himself when he hasnt ended the life of another. In a longer story sure, he could obtain redemption and that would be powerful. But, saving oneself by quiting a drug wouldnt be enough for me.

In the interior shots for the most part, I found him underlit as compared to much of his environment, looking at the overall contrast ratios, he's too low on the scale IMHO. Im not saying you have to light him up like a xmas tree.

Whoever did the steadicam work did a pretty good job. Although at times it didnt help compose his mental state too well, was all a bit fluid.

Personally the biggest gain you could get for improvement is to cut the shi* out of it. For me, there were a number of shots that really didnt take me anywhere. Of particular note was the beginning. He makes a cup of tea and then walks to the piano, which takes... around 40 seconds - even longer if you consider how long it takes him to actually play. Id ask myself what that adds to the piece? For me nothing. All my opinion, but Id go from the bridge set up where he appears he's going jump, and cut to his MS at the piano. Let him jump into the music as a metaphor for what he might have done at the bridge and then continue on. Just thoughts.

Always easy to sit back and look at someones work and pick this or that. Doesnt matter whose work either. Quite like what Hearstbane wrote about building the suspense and then the reveal as well.

But, for me you got the most important factor right. Story. A solid story.
 
This was really well done! I do however, have to agree with Noel's points. I wanted to think that the murder was all in his head too... but wasn't quite sure. There were some slow points that could be tightened here & there, but the big one is from the tea pot, which by the way, didn't have a whistle on it...and yet I heard a whistle? ... to the piano. You almost lost me on that one.

Everything else was on point. Acting was good, maybe a little over the top towards the end, the steadicam work was nice, all in all I enjoyed your creation! Thanks for sharing, I'll be looking forward to seeing what else you come up with.

Also, please keep in mind, these are just my opinions....take them with a grain of salt.
 
Thanks allot guys. This helps me allot since I am planning on co writing this into a feature. The short will help us out with potential fund raising. Let me know if you have any suggestions for how this can work as a feature.
 
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