First legit film project (script critique?)

L

luke e

Member
So I'm 16 and I have been filming for a few years now. It had always been filming something stupid that I had thought of the day before. Well this one is gonna be serious. The problem is, I am having some serious trouble with my script. Keep in mind this is the first script I have ever attempted to write. And I know it shows.

Disregard the lack of cinematic details because I have that under control. I really just need to improve the plot. The middle of this is just filled with holes[oxymoron lol] and I REALLY want it to be interesting enough so I am asking for some sincere help with it.

So here it is. I will be glad to take any comment, critique, or idea even if it's harsh.

And I apologize for such bad script formatting, I just copied it from celtx.
INT. Bathroom

Our main character storms into the bathroom and sprawls himself over the sink, seeking the cool water.

(narration) "There I was. It had torn me apart. See I... well I needed to escape it. That was... really the only choice. Just that morning had it begun to overcome me."

transition into the earlier hours of the day

Int. Bedroom

Wide shot showing entire bedroom setting

The main character is laying on his futon, and vegging while playing some video games. The fan is drying the mild perspiration that accompanies the characters face.

the fan is shown moving back and forth with the sun glistening off the blades

(narration) "It was just the start of every summer day. My sheets were fried from the streams of light streaking into my home. It was... well... the usual."

Sequence of jittery frames show the growing amounts of perspiration0n on the boy's face.

He gets up from the heated bed, turns off the fan, and leaves the bedroom.

Int. fridge room

Through the windows, you see the boy open up the fridge

He reaches in, grabs his stuff, and mixes up a spritzer, with a hope of cooling off. No progress is shown and the boy receives a phone call.

Ext. House

A car pulls into the foreground of the shot and the boy gets in. It pulls away.

int. car

Friend

"Hey man are you alright?"

Main Character

"Yeah man, it's just a little warm, you know."

FRIEND

"I dunno man, you seem a little out of it."

MAIN CHARACTER

"Hey, just don't worry about me...[hesitation] I'll be fine."

(narration) Something was not right, and I could feel it touching me. Little did I know, that touch would grow into a burning tunnel in my soul.

Ext. skateboard spot

Car pulls in, and the two guys step out of the car. They roll around on their skateboards momentarily and the main character finds himself needing to just lay and cool off after a couple minutes.

As he lay, suddenly he starts to pass out and a dream flashes in.

Ext. skateboard spot extended

MAIN CHARACTER

(narration) "And this is when it happened. It had bitten into me, lake a raging warewolf; with each gasp of air, a piece of my soul was being thrust into the unknown. I had to escape."

The character stands up, and bolts. The pain shows on his face as he runs to escape the heat. An intrusive voice fades into the background as the main character comes to.

FRIEND

"Wake up man, wake up. "

The misshapen, blurry head bobbles under the sun for only moments, until everything fades away.

EXT. HOUSE

In the middle of his front yard, the main character lay. He wakes up and stumbles through the front door.

Int. house

The boy stumbles through the house and into the bathroom.

MAIN CHARACTER

"And there I was. I was broken. My body was wrangled, laying there nerveless. Somehow, just somehow, that one thing had managed to pick me apart and leave me debilitated. And that one thing was quite simply, the heat."
Click to expand...
 
Last edited:
OK, you may not want to hear this; you're 16.

Advice: Work out your story before you start a screenplay. One way to work out your story is to write a treatment. A treatment is simply as if you're telling a friend about some events that happened the other day. Once you have this worked out, you'll have the story, then you can go ahead and start writing the screenplay.

My Best Advice: Invest in yourself with a $20 book; The Screenwriters Bible by David Trottier. You're 16, you have the time and brains to completely read the book and apply it's wisdom; do it. This will solve most of your problems. By writing screenplays and mastering the craft you will then be in the position to direct because you'll truly understand the story, the characters and motivations. With this understanding you'll then make appropriate choices regarding the design of sets, lighting, camera style, etc.

Remember this: There are no Shortcuts. The quckest route to your destination involves lots of hard focused work, so accept this and get to work.




Suggested Self-Development Plan
  1. Study the Screenwriters Bible.
  2. Apply those methods to your writing.
  3. Rewrite your screenplay over at least 5 times.
  4. Design your film shots by storyboarding the mental image you see in your head and coming off the page, etc...
  5. Learn how to do detailed Pre-Production ( lots & lots of planning on paper)
  6. Go film and edit.
  7. Repeat until you're a Master.
Good Luck!
 
I'm with 10s on this one. If you've already been going at this for a couple years, you have a basic understanding of how everything works. If you practice hard from now on, (write better and longer scripts and learn in detail the actual filming process), you could have a good thing going for you by the end of high school. I wish I'd started in the field when I was 14 or 15.
 
desire is the first step.

learn how to properly format a screenplay, then write your masterpiece.
 
I agree with all the posts above me. Before you write, carve out something solid that you're trying to achieve in pre-writing then once you sit down to begin the first draft it will be alot more solid. You've definitely got a way with words though, so keep working on it! Looking forward to the next draft.
 
I like your writing, but one guideline to remember is that "movies should show, not tell", so it's best to be sparing with the narratives. Excessive use of flashbacks is also to be generally avoided. You'll find both of these ideas well expressed in Trottier's "Screenwriter's Bible" which I also highly recommend.

In addition to that, I'd also recommend at least one book that focuses primarily on story and theme, like "Story" by Robert McKee or "Inside Story" by Dara Marks. Fundamentally and most importantly, moviemaking is a storytelling medium, which is all too easy to lose track of in the vast workflow that otherwise surrounds it. Simply put, if you don't have a good story you don't have a good movie. IMHO this is, by far, the single biggest reason why 98% of all micro-budget indies ultimately fail.
 
thanks a bunch guys.

For those of you who are telling me to reformat, please read the original post. I have celtx and know how to format a screenplay and I thought you guys would rather have the script typed than a file download.

and 10s: thanks. you are actually saying a lot of stuff my media teacher has been telling us and I plan on putting more effort and detail into the script. The main problem I'm having is the actual plot. Like once I get something good going, I know I have the cinematic skills to make it turn out moderately good. I have been filming random crap and working on cinematic techniques for a couple of years now but like I said, this is my first legit screenplay and I don't really have any inspiration or ideas that help me come up with a good story. And that's what I came here, to hopefully get some insight on the actual story. Maybe that's a lot to ask but I don't know of any other ways to actually improve the content of my story.
 
Hi Luke,

For those of you who are telling me to reformat, please read the original post. I have celtx and know how to format a screenplay and I thought you guys would rather have the script typed than a file download.
Click to expand...

I think they are referring to other formatting things, aside from the left format caused by pasting from Celtx. For example "Main character" - what's the name? The (narration) thing, mixing tenses, using " " for dialogue...all those sorts of things. The goal of your screenplay it is to show us what is happening on the screen at that moment. (Not tell, as Ted Spencer pointed out)

As for getting story advice, it would be better to tell us what information you have on your plot, everything you know and then people can maybe make some suggestions. But right now we don't know what sort of thing you're going for, what sort of things you want to happen, it's all very vague. So the best thing to do at this stage is cut your script, tell the story. Since it's a short film, you can summarize it all in a few paragraphs and then maybe write some other documents on your characters.

Give us as much as you know, and plan out different outcomes, etc. then maybe ask here for some advice or ideas. We don't really have enough to play with to give you solid advice yet. Create some discussion on your story and the ideas will flow.
 
Luke, I wish I was 16 and we could make movies together.... in other words, your lucky to be doing this now in your life and reaching out for help the way you are. That being said, make your story about someone who we will call the Hero.

Below is a simplified and typical structure you'll recoginize. In the Screenwriters Bible you'll learn this much better than this silly example and a million other things as well.

In the beginning, ACT I, the Hero isn't a hero, he's just a regular guy like everyone else. But after what he will go through in your story (you're going to put em through hell) he will be a real HERO.

The hero starts out in his normal world. We see him just living. One day he has some sort of an opportunity or an offer about making a change in his normal day to day life. Often he refuses, he would like to, but can't, for reasons of fear or whatever. Around 25% of the way into the story something really upsets the Hero's life. Often at this point he changes location and makes a plan because the normal balanced life no longer exist. At this point the Hero often wants to WIN, RETREIVE, STOP, ESCAPE something; choose one goal.

Example: Let's say the Hero's best friend is out of town and is killed by some unknown source at 10% into the story. The Hero is greatly impacted emotionally, so much so, he decides to find out what caused his best friend to die. Other friends try and stop him. They say he's all messed up and should just get his mind off of it. In this example we can say the Hero wants to Retrieve something; he wants to find the truth of his friend's death.

ACT II, At 25% into the story the pressure builds and the Hero makes a change. Our Hero travels to a nearby city where he makes a plan to learn about his friends demise. Here the Hero finds good leads and meets people that help him begin to solve the mystery. He also encounters something that opposes his efforts. Let's say he needs a key piece of information but can't get it from a source because of laws prohibiting its release to the public. So what's he do? He makes another plan, this time he will try and pretend he works for a Government Agency so he can get the information. It works! --- almost. He gets some of the information he needs but the government worker who first turned him down spots him. She calls security, now it's a chase. He runs and finally gets away. Now what? He needs another plan, but while he's making a new plan the government worker is being interviewed by internal security and then security starts hunting the Hero. They put out a bulletin for police to be on the alert. A new person enters the story: the Sargent. He's tough and effective, and we believe he's just trying to protect society like a good cop should. Now this effective man hunter is after our Hero, and the Hero has no idea what's in store for him now.

You can take it from here. The important part is what the Hero wants to, WIN, RETREIVE, STOP, ESCAPE, (choose one, it can change, but often it's best if it remains the same throughout the story) this goal must be a powerful motivation because these cops are going to chase him, and everything is going to try and stop him. Things might get so difficult that the Hero does all sorts of things he would normally never do, he might even come to believe he's becoming a really bad person and getting deeper and deeeper in over his head. He is getting in over his head! Let's have him make friends during his stay in this city with someone who tries to warn and convince him not to get too crazy, but he does anyway. Around the middle of the story, let's say he finds out his friend had witnessed an arms transaction to a terror cell in this country. All the Hero knows is that this cell was being supplied by someone in the Police department. Now he realizes that the death wasn't an accident, it was murder and after more snooping around and escaping the cops he has a strong suspicion who did it; it's the Sargent. What's he going to do? He makes a another plan. At this point he might change his goal from wanting to Retrieve something to either Escaping, Winning, or Stopping something. Let's have his goal to STOP the killers.

Needless to say his life in this second section of the story is not at all like the first section.
At the end of the second section/ACT let's have the Hero is his worst state. It will be as if the story is over and the Hero is defeated. The Sargent will be in control and ready to put an end to this little small-town trouble maker.

Let's say the bad cops have captured him and he's about to meet the same fate as his best friend, only worse.

In the third section, ACT III, he's resigned himself to a terrible fate, but something inside him tells him to give it one more try. He must succeed. Somehow he is able to muster resources within himself he had never known. It's like he taps into a hidden area deep inside himself of extra will-power; either he succeeds and lives or he dies. The stakes are at there highest. The Killers are about to deliver some more weapons to the terrorist cell, but this time they're WMDs; now the stakes are even higher. An opportunity occurs while in captivity and the Hero goes for it. A huge struggle ensues. One side is winning and then the other side is winning, each beating the crap out of the other. It's almost over for one and then a reversal, the other side is winning. One side tries to flee, the other pursues. Then another confrontation and then the other one tries to flee but is caught. Finally one prevails. In our story it's the Hero. Our bloody Hero knocks out the Sargent after killing the Sarge's accomplice and then he hand cuffs the pulverized Sarge while securing the secret documents that prove the Sarge killed his friend. (you've seen this a million times) The Hero has met his goal of STOPPING the Killers.

The story ends with the Hero back home where he started out, but it's not the same. A few friends stop by and congratulate him on catching the killers (the big city sargent and cronies) ... these are the same friends who told him he was a fool to move away and try and solve his best friend's death. Now they respect him, afterall he's The Hero.

Use a similair pattern as this above to tell your story (modified to your desires with hopefully something new for the audience) and then use your nice descriptions and dialogue to turn it into a script.
 
Last edited:
Remember, he is 16.
At this point, as long as you as the director can look at the script and know the full plot and what you need to shoot, the script isn't an issue. Get more experience behind the camera, unless you just want to write, in which case, yeah, conveying the plot on paper would be more important. It'll all evolve for you the more projects you do. That's how it worked for me anyway.
Just my two cents.
 
10s said:
Luke, I wish I was 16 and we could make movies together.... in other words, your lucky to be doing this now in your life and reaching out for help the way you are. That being said, make your story about someone who we will call the Hero.

Below is a simplified and typical structure you'll recoginize. In the Screenwriters Bible you'll learn this much better than this silly example and a million other things as well.

In the beginning, ACT I, the Hero isn't a hero, he's just a regular guy like everyone else. But after what he will go through in your story (you're going to put em through hell) he will be a real HERO.

The hero starts out in his normal world. We see him just living. One day he has some sort of an opportunity or an offer about making a change in his normal day to day life. Often he refuses, he would like to, but can't, for reasons of fear or whatever. Around 25% of the way into the story something really upsets the Hero's life. Often at this point he changes location and makes a plan because the normal balanced life no longer exist. At this point the Hero often wants to WIN, RETREIVE, STOP, ESCAPE something; choose one goal.

Example: Let's say the Hero's best friend is out of town and is killed by some unknown source at 10% into the story. The Hero is greatly impacted emotionally, so much so, he decides to find out what caused his best friend to die. Other friends try and stop him. They say he's all messed up and should just get his mind off of it. In this example we can say the Hero wants to Retrieve something; he wants to find the truth of his friend's death.

ACT II, At 25% into the story the pressure builds and the Hero makes a change. Our Hero travels to a nearby city where he makes a plan to learn about his friends demise. Here the Hero finds good leads and meets people that help him begin to solve the mystery. He also encounters something that opposes his efforts. Let's say he needs a key piece of information but can't get it from a source because of laws prohibiting its release to the public. So what's he do? He makes another plan, this time he will try and pretend he works for a Government Agency so he can get the information. It works! --- almost. He gets some of the information he needs but the government worker who first turned him down spots him. She calls security, now it's a chase. He runs and finally gets away. Now what? He needs another plan, but while he's making a new plan the government worker is being interviewed by internal security and then security starts hunting the Hero. They put out a bulletin for police to be on the alert. A new person enters the story: the Sargent. He's tough and effective, and we believe he's just trying to protect society like a good cop should. Now this effective man hunter is after our Hero, and the Hero has no idea what's in store for him now.

You can take it from here. The important part is what the Hero wants to, WIN, RETREIVE, STOP, ESCAPE, (choose one, it can change, but often it's best if it remains the same throughout the story) this goal must be a powerful motivation because these cops are going to chase him, and everything is going to try and stop him. Things might get so difficult that the Hero does all sorts of things he would normally never do, he might even come to believe he's becoming a really bad person and getting deeper and deeeper in over his head. He is getting in over his head! Let's have him make friends during his stay in this city with someone who tries to warn and convince him not to get too crazy, but he does anyway. Around the middle of the story, let's say he finds out his friend had witnessed an arms transaction to a terror cell in this country. All the Hero knows is that this cell was being supplied by someone in the Police department. Now he realizes that the death wasn't an accident, it was murder and after more snooping around and escaping the cops he has a strong suspicion who did it; it's the Sargent. What's he going to do? He makes a another plan. At this point he might change his goal from wanting to Retrieve something to either Escaping, Winning, or Stopping something. Let's have his goal to STOP the killers.

Needless to say his life in this second section of the story is not at all like the first section.
At the end of the second section/ACT let's have the Hero is his worst state. It will be as if the story is over and the Hero is defeated. The Sargent will be in control and ready to put an end to this little small-town trouble maker.

Let's say the bad cops have captured him and he's about to meet the same fate as his best friend, only worse.

In the third section, ACT III, he's resigned himself to a terrible fate, but something inside him tells him to give it one more try. He must succeed. Somehow he is able to muster resources within himself he had never known. It's like he taps into a hidden area deep inside himself of extra will-power; either he succeeds and lives or he dies. The stakes are at there highest. The Killers are about to deliver some more weapons to the terrorist cell, but this time they're WMDs; now the stakes are even higher. An opportunity occurs while in captivity and the Hero goes for it. A huge struggle ensues. One side is winning and then the other side is winning, each beating the crap out of the other. It's almost over for one and then a reversal, the other side is winning. One side tries to flee, the other pursues. Then another confrontation and then the other one tries to flee but is caught. Finally one prevails. In our story it's the Hero. Our bloody Hero knocks out the Sargent after killing the Sarge's accomplice and then he hand cuffs the pulverized Sarge while securing the secret documents that prove the Sarge killed his friend. (you've seen this a million times) The Hero has met his goal of STOPPING the Killers.

The story ends with the Hero back home where he started out, but it's not the same. A few friends stop by and congratulate him on catching the killers (the big city sargent and cronies) ... these are the same friends who told him he was a fool to move away and try and solve his best friend's death. Now they respect him, afterall he's The Hero.

Use a similair pattern as this above to tell your story (modified to your desires with hopefully something new for the audience) and then use your nice descriptions and dialogue to turn it into a script.
Click to expand...

that is the worst advice i've ever heard on screenwriting
 
lawd

lawd

I freaking love you guys. So I will take more time to read over it, fix any said problems and implore myself for some more information. then I will post the improved script and then we can talk like adults.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top