Feeling lost... am I ignoring my filmmaking dream?

S

sb2012

Member
I wanted to be a filmmaker/writer since I was a kid, but I have to admit I spent a great deal more time daydreaming than actually putting in effort. I mean I wrote screenplays, half-novels, and did a short film two years ago, submitted query letters, etc. But other than that, I've pretty much been side-tracked by life (personal relationships, etc.).

Now I'm almost 30, married, live in NYC, I've been in the health field for over 5 years. I only get to spend about 1-3 hours a week writing/revising scripts/novels and trying to come up with interesting short film ideas. Reason being that I have a family and have to focus on finances, making sure we are saving enough and are financially secure. Since I already know film school is a waste of time (other than making good contacts), I decided to further advance myself in healthcare by going to nursing school. I'm almost done with the prereqs and I'm doing it part-time so the work load isn't as much.

My job is helping pay for credits (they do that for any degree that is healthcare related) so that's a plus. Now I don't have a problem with patient care in general or nursing, but if an MFA in directing or writing was treated as equally as say an RN or PhD in terms of job outlook and such, then by all means I would drop what I'm doing and go to school for that.

But unfortunately, that's not the world we live in. And I realize I'm pretty much on my own when it comes to trying to make it in the entertainment business. No problem. But finding time can be a problem because I have to go to school to advance my "plan B" career, go to work, and have time for me and the family.

I know there's probably a lot of filmmakers taking the risk and pursuing the dream head on without going to school for anything else as a back up, but I honestly don't feel that's a risk I can afford to take. Maybe if I was still living with mom and dad and was a bit younger, sure. I couldn't do that though because my father was cheap-skate and didn't support me going to college.

I just feel disconnected from what I really want to do because I don't spend enough time pursuing it. Is there anyone else here who is in a similar situation? How are you handling it? What should I be doing differently?
 
I'm much older than that. Unmarried. Work though I'd rather not. Unlike some of my friends I never give up. I am always trying to find a way to fit it in. Most everything I do is volunteer but to me it is just my way of keeping in the game until I am able to just work on my projects full time. You have to do what you have to do. you may dream and never get there but if you give up the dream you die.
 
You're fine. The world needs more good nurses, and will pay well for them. It does not need more aspiring film makers as much, and will barely pay for them. There is no shame whatsoever in being responsible in life. Too many boomers "lived their dreams," trashed their families, and are headed to retirement broke. It's an example best not followed.

A friend's wife is a nurse and an aspiring photographer. She does her job and practices her photography on occasional gigs in the off days. Another friend is a dang good videographer that works for an insurance company in normal business hours. Both have marriages and kids. Career , family, and passion can coexist.
 
Definitely a dreamer like me. If you can only find 1-3 hours a week then that is telling. Many writers work long day jobs and MAKE time to write, even if it cuts way into sleep.
 
Being in the entertainment business and making films are not necessarily the same thing. Everybody has to make a living. If you make a living in the business you get to do it full time at some level. Coppola says interesting things about this. I find this particularly inspiring:

"In the old days, 200 years ago, if you were a composer, the only way you could make money was to travel with the orchestra and be the conductor, because then you’d be paid as a musician. There was no recording. There were no record royalties. So I would say, “Try to disconnect the idea of cinema with the idea of making a living and money.” Because there are ways around it."

Write at night, in the morning, shoot on weekends, edit yourself. Finish the short, go on Kickstarter, raise some dough. No one will stop you. Work on other people's projects. Start - you will find the time.
 
mcbob said:
You're fine. The world needs more good nurses, and will pay well for them. It does not need more aspiring film makers as much, and will barely pay for them. There is no shame whatsoever in being responsible in life. Too many boomers "lived their dreams," trashed their families, and are headed to retirement broke. It's an example best not followed.

A friend's wife is a nurse and an aspiring photographer. She does her job and practices her photography on occasional gigs in the off days. Another friend is a dang good videographer that works for an insurance company in normal business hours. Both have marriages and kids. Career , family, and passion can coexist.
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This right here is great advice.
 
mcbob said:
You're fine. The world needs more good nurses, and will pay well for them. It does not need more aspiring film makers as much, and will barely pay for them. There is no shame whatsoever in being responsible in life. Too many boomers "lived their dreams," trashed their families, and are headed to retirement broke. It's an example best not followed.

A friend's wife is a nurse and an aspiring photographer. She does her job and practices her photography on occasional gigs in the off days. Another friend is a dang good videographer that works for an insurance company in normal business hours. Both have marriages and kids. Career , family, and passion can coexist.
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Well said and spot on.
 
Here's how I look at it. If it's really your dream, you will never be happy until you at the very least try as hard as you can before failing at it. You can make all the money at nursing etc., but at the back of your mind there will be this nagging feeling that you're on the wrong path. As you get older, this will migrate from the back of your mind toward the front, and you will get more and more depressed, miserable, and angry. If that sounds like something you can deal with/live with, cool (some people think happiness is overrated/feelings are stupid/etc. They don't have to live inside your head. You do). If not, I think you owe it to yourself to try. I'm not saying bankrupt yourself or do anything stupid, but just find a way to make it work.

On the other hand, I can't advocate sacrificing significant sleep either because, at least for me, that makes me kind of a zombie the following day. You probably won't do great work either if it's 1AM and all you want to do is get in bed.
 
It might just be the way I read it, but it seems like they are a lot of "maybe if's" going on-- "maybe if I didn't have a family to care for", "maybe if I didn't have to make money", "maybe if there were better film jobs", etc.

These are all red herrings to the real reason you're not doing something. If you keep holding them up as excuses, you're going to end up resenting them (your family, your job, etc.) for why you're not where you want to be.

I don't have advice for how you can get to where you want to be from where you currently are, only that you need to be completely honest with yourself about why you're not there now. For some it's because not attempting means they'll never actually fail, for others, they don't want to find out that the reality doesn't live up to the dream. Only you know why you're not pursuing your dream with more gusto. But trust me, you do know why, you just might have to get more real than you're comfortable with in order to say it out loud.

"Go all in, or go home" is not a catch-all. It works for some, not at all for others. Making films on the weekends is a viable way to "make it". What level would you need to attain to be "successful" in your view?

Your time might be limited, but nothing's stopping you from telling a good story. 1-3 hours/week is at least something. Look what other "leisure time" you can sacrifice to build on to that. We all waste time somewhere (like on forums).
 
I make my living as a teacher and what I do to stay involved in filmmaking is design projects for my students to produce. I get to be involved by helping with the writing, shooting, editing, special effects, etc. Perhaps there is a way to combine nursing and filmmaking in a way you find satisfying.

Or maybe not. When I was younger I wanted to be a musician. My parents thought I'd be a doctor. My father used to say, "You can be a full-time doctor and a part-time musician, but not the other way around." Perhaps your allotment of time for part-time activities is limited now but will grow later.
 
One extra bit... you might be able to worry a bit less about finances if you move just about anywhere else in the US besides NYC. Nurses can literally find work anywhere that people live.
 
mcbob said:
One extra bit... you might be able to worry a bit less about finances if you move just about anywhere else in the US besides NYC. Nurses can literally find work anywhere that people live.
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You speak the truth.

I would like to add, if I may, that making a living with film and video is every bit as unglamorous as making a living in any other business. There are achievement highs and failure lows, stupid office politics, things you'd rather not be doing, mindless drudgery, and taxes. And to top it all off, the near-constant insecurity that, at the end of the day, what you're doing may not really matter at all.

That comes across as cynical, and of course there are ups and downs. But the truth is that unless you have money to burn, you have to make a living somehow. And in order to make a living, you have to provide something that is of value to someone else. And in the art world, what is of the most value to other people doesn't always line up with your loftiest dreams and aspirations, which is why many of us end up creating advertising. So you end up in exactly the same position, infusing your daily routine with as much creativity as you can get away with and planning carefully for your truly creative endeavors.

The danger of switching careers, for you, is that right now writing is something that you yearn to do, so you make time for it and enjoy it. If you had to write all the time for a living, the character of the work would change very quickly. Sometimes it's easier to hold on to your dreams if you don't pull them down into the mud of your reality and try to squeeze money out of them. Does that make any sense?
 
There is a time to walk away but only if you can honestly say you gave it your best effort. Dreams don't alway come true. Even for people who try really hard.
 
a lot of indie movies that make it are from first time filmmakers. Sometimes its best to work a job that will pay the bills, same up some money and vacation time and then spend a month working on a big project. You wont be working with film everyday but you can get a feature length movie made every couple of years and if one makes it big then you can turn it into something full time. This also keeps you thinking of new ideas while working your other job and you dont have the stress of trying to work on multiple projects.
 
if you'd like to grab a beer/coffee/tea, i'd be happy to sing piano man a few times with you over this discussion. i'm in astoria, also almost 30, and married. i make my living on being a videographer, and filmmaking is a side venture that i frequent to stay creative, and if someday one of those ventures leads to something, all the better.
 
I didn't read any other discussion in this thread but I'll just add my 2 cents. It's a question of values. What is most important to you? What will make you feel fully alive? Do you have a sense of meaning or purpose or even destiny that feels unfulfilled? One of my favorite books that may be a good and easy read: Paulo Coelho "The Alchemist"

Life isn't worth it if you're safe but unhappy. Life also isn't all about you - you have a family now. But we also all "need" more than we think we do. I believe where this is a will there is a way and if you're posting asking the question perhaps that is the answer itself. Not suggesting to be a broke artist but I think way too many people give up on who they are meant to be for the sake of safety. On the contrary, way too many people give up on responsibility to pursue self-absorbed fantasies.

Working towards Plan B is also a recipe to fail at Plan A. Not saying to not have a plan B, but to compromise work and focus on Plan A for the sake of B is a good way to end up in "Plan B-zoned" so speak. The problem may be in Plan A, perhaps your target needs to be re-adjusted. What about documentary and non profit scripted stories? There is a little work out there that we miss when we have an overly pre-conceived notion of how it should look.

FWIW giving up your job to make a feature short film is probably a terrible idea. It's like taking on a ton of overhead for a new business before you have any clients, in a highly competitive field. But what is the essence of your dream? Visual storytelling? What story can you tell and make excellent this weekend? If you love it, you'll do it. One small step at a time. Better to take many small steps than try and make one massive leap and fall.

There's a quote by Rumi, "as you start to walk out on the way, the way appears"
 
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What some people do is make their film during their vacation time (if that applies to your job). So if you have two or three weeks vacay during the year you plan your shoot around that. Shooting is really the only thing you cant do on your own...writing, editing, scouting, etc. could all be solitary activities.
 
Get your nursing degree. Period. End of discussion.

sb2012 said:
I mean I wrote screenplays, half-novels, and did a short film...writing/revising scripts/novels and trying to come up with interesting short film ideas.
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You've got too much going on; you need to narrow your focus. If you can only pick ONE of these, what do you REALLY want to do?
 
I don't advise anyone to commit to most any aspect of film making as a career unless they absolutely can't possibly be happy doing anything else.

I can't offer any recommendations as to what strategy to pursue but I suggest that as a standard by which to weigh your options.
 
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