"Fate of the Red Katana"

mjjason

mjjason

Well-known member
"Fate of the Red Katana"

A father struggles to protect his son from the trials of joining the 'Order of the Red Katana'
 
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I'm not specifically a fan of this genre, but to my knowledge you nailed it. Solid story, stylistically right for what you were going for. I could definitely imagine watching this.

One comment: Why is the kid 16? That seems a little old to me for him to still be clutching his mother's hand and to be completely incapable of defending himself. Maybe 12 would work better.
 
The flashback scene pulled me out of the story. In my opinion that should be cut out of what was otherwise a very good script.
 
While I often find myself in agreement with Krestofre's comments on scripts, this time I'm going to have to respectfully disagree--I found the flashback to be very anime. :)

Overall, I found the script to be enjoyable, particularly when filtered through the cel shader in my mind. :D
 
Great script. I read it with an anime setting in my mind. Being a somewhat anime fan, I can really see this going something. It's a much better story already than some of the other anime movies I've seen.

It's hard to do in a short time frame, but I would have liked to know exactly what the Order stands for, or what they feel their mission is. Are they good, evil, secret, etc.?

Good setup though. Not a lot of character development, but the story still moves along nicely. Well done!
 
I thought this would work really well for Anime. I was fine with the flashback.

I agree with Jason. I couldn't really picture the kid as 16 the way he is portrayed. I kept expecting him to jump into the fray and fight with Dad side by side. But he seemed more like a child of 12.

Overall, you built up suspense and the action. I also liked the visual descriptions. Good script!
 
I agree with the above. Really cool idea for anime; boy maybe a little old. (My 11 year old won't hold my hand.) Overall, very good job. I enjoyed reading it. :thumbup:
 
Thanks for the comments. Glad to see people liking the story. About the flashback, that's kind of a staple in Anime so I included it. Also, it served to try and foreshadow what may happen to Kenji and why the father was so determined to get inside.

I definitely can see why the boy's age may look awkward. Maybe 12 or 13 would work better. This is just a small section of a larger series I have in mind. The story will follow the boy to see him struggle against life and the visions the Order saw.
 
SPOILERS


Cathedral certainly feels out of place. Do you mean temple?

I love anything with a katana. I felt the action and the basic story were good. No issues with the flashback or projected images.

Maybe ....

You could combine those two, and show Kenji holds some contempt for the council for the death of his brother, and that of course shows up in the projected images. As they are I am not sure if the images were 'defects' in the boy, or some kind of foretelling of events and how he would perform (?)

Dialogue had that stiff, comicbook feel, and maybe that's what you were going for. If so, it really worked.

It felt a little unfinished. I am making a big assumtion that Sayomi commited sepuku.

Really enjoyed the read.

alex


Have you seen Zatoichi?
 
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alex whitmer said:
It felt a little unfinished. I am making a big assumtion that Sayomi commited sepuku.

Really enjoyed the read.

alex
Click to expand...
This is actually part of a much larger story. Sayomi does not commit sepuku. She is part of the order and as such must hunt down and kill her own son and his father. My goal is to make this into a larger Manga type story with layer structure.

The first saga of the Manga would be showing the initial town, an introduction into the order and the duties they perform, and it would include this scene.

The second saga would be the hunt for Michio and his son by Sayomi.

The longer story would be to see if Kenji becomes what the order forsaw, i.e an evil person, or can he change that vision. So the rest will be him dealing with that struggle.

I am not good a drawing so I am writing it out for now. We will see where it goes.

alex whitmer said:
Have you seen Zatoichi?
Click to expand...
I have scene it a number of times. That and the various sequels come on IFC quite often. Great character and a great story.
 
I had no idea there were sequels. Thanks for the tip. My GF is a martial arts type, so we watch what we can find (even the bad ones), but that is still our all time fave, along with the epic Shogun of course.

Your script had a nice departure by the way. Unexpected.

alex
 
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mjjason really liked this.

Some comments on Japanese culture for you. Not sure if you conisder it important (after all it doesnt effect your story), but just some info I gathered living in Japan for almost four years.

First, A person of Bishamons stature would never address people with their first names. The only time this really happens is amongst immediate family.

Then Bishomon refers to Kenji as Kenji kun in one line and kenji san in another. San usually follows a family name and if someone calls someone as kun (male) they will rarely change the way they address that person (but as I stated using first names is rare).

And the second one from this
KUROKI MICHIO
(Determined)
I do not wish to have my child join
the order.
Bishamon quickly glances over towards Sayomi.
KUROKI SAYOMI
My husband is mistaken Bishamon-
sama. It will be an honor for my
son to join.

Sayomi would be on her knees bowing and apologising for her husband. Theres a great deal of ownership for the mistakes of family members in Japan. And whilst she wants her son to enter the order, her husband speaking out, would be very shameful to her.

Anyway as I said, these points dont effect your story, just cultural aspects for consideration.

Theres one other point that I wanted to mention, from this

KUROKI MICHIO
I must get inside.
(beat)
KUROKI SAYOMI
You are no longer welcome there.


With the following action I dont think Michios line here is really needed. It seems a bit forced. And, as Sayomi could see what he did next, I thought with the line she delivered she would try to intervene. I think it would be enough if Michio eyed the window and then after we see the opening of the trials, Michio is up there.

Good story, with good character movement.
 
Duuhn Duhn Duhhh. To Be Continued. Very good writing, very good visuals. Nothing constructive to say aside from "seems like part of a story". I was really engrossed the whole way. You captured the Japanese feel really well. Good job.
 
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