Fallengrove

You set up a very chilling and suspenseful tone but it never really payed off in the end. I liked where you took it but I was expecting some sort of supernatural "The Thing" creature turning them against one another.

The descriptions really lack focus and the characters just sort of wander without a real sense to motivate them from one place to the other.

The twist is interesting and simple in its execution, it works. It has some good flow and you write well so good job. :beer:
 
most of what i have to say has already been said.

the beginning established a terrific mood of suspense and creepiness... but the ending left me wanting something more. i wanted it to be more of a horror. that would have better accounted for the abandoned town and the dead bodies. as it is, i was confused at parts and the ending was a little disappointing.

your writing style is very effective, however, and you have a great premise for a ghost/horror story. i would love to see you rework this so the ending delivers the creepy ending that the great beginning promised! :)
 
Great name and great set up for this story! I have to admit I too was hoping for some kind of supernatural payoff at the end. I think it's defiantly more meaningful the way you have it set up with the nice old man being the bad guy and greed being the monster because it makes you think. There's probably going to be some back and forth on it because you write so well and the set up was really good. So some will want to see the monster when they get to the last page and some will feel satisfied with the symbolism of it all. I guess my only thought is that if you could some how deliver both it would be the twist of all twists! Still, I enjoyed this one quite a bit!
 
thanks for the kind critique. I guess I would have been better off if there was a monster but oh well.

thanks again.
 
The old "blood-still-wet" premise. Other examples off the top of my head include "aliens", "predator", "event horizon", all of them movies i love.

I thought it was strange that the 3 man group were outgunned by the 2 man group and ended up being completely subservient to a weaker party...

The second set of names really isn't handled well upon introduction. only one of new characters is given a title, as "bandit 1" and then suddenly we have two new names that had no segue from their previous titles. Why not just call them by name to begin with and then reveal the names in dialogue?

“BAKER
Looks like we’re stuck here for the
night.”

IMO, Ranks right up there with “I’ll be right back” and “lets split up!”

“(Bump)”

I have no idea what these are. Do you mean “(Beat)”?

“There is a CRASH coming from downstairs.”

Passive voice. Could easily be: “Something CRASHES downstairs”. there was a lot of examples of this.

Baker’s explanation for the “creature” seems to come out of nowhere. How did he figure all that out?



i think there could be a good story in here with a few more rewrites.
 
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