"Evac"

I liked the writing and it was an interesting scenario.

Personally, I don't even think the training scene was necessary. I thought the information about them being able to read minds and steal information could have been revealed in the action as they try to rescue a civilian. This would have freed up space for more action and more information on the Faniki and their motives. It would have shortened a long dialogue as well. If fact, the sarge's speech to Johnson ruined what could have been a very dramatic ending where Johnson decides on his own to take his life so as to not let the Faniki get any information.

Again, I see a lot of potential with what you have here story-wise, and I can tell you have a good handle on writing scripts. :)
 
Sean--wow. Thanks, man.

Stylz--arg. I should've known that about saluting a Sergeant. :D

Jamiejay--that's an interesting take on the idea that I hadn't considered. The core of this, for me (at least related to this fest), was showing how the mistake made in training would influence what Johnson did in combat. And yeah, the sarge does have way too much dialogue.

Thanks for reading, all. :)
 
This was a very enjoyable story. I liked the set-up of having to kill yourself or the one you were sent to rescue in order to protect the greater good. It had an Orson Scott Card feel to it which I liked very much.

Some nitpicking, the visual directions in the script kind of pulled me out somewhat though it's not a major issue.

Also, the ending didn't really connect with the training session. I was expecting Johnson to have to make a difficult choice about protecting himself over his partner or the woman they are rescuing. Instead he made his choice pretty quickly and without a second of thought. This was less dramatic to me.

Overall, I enjoyed the story and would love to see a longer script with this concept.
 
Aye Captain. Agree with some of the comments made. The other thing was we really didnt get any character description of Johnson and Phillips apart from attire.

I think this is a cool concept and enjoyed the story. Thanks for writing.
 
Wow, when you say it has an Orson Scott Card feel, mjjason--considering I just got done reading Ender's Game and Speaker for the Dead again recently--that's pretty high praise. :) Technically, I think Johnson got just about a "second of thought" to make his decision, but not much more... :D Seriously, though, I guess what I was going for was that the Sergeant gave Johnson the rules to live (and die) by, and Johnson followed them without thinking too much. As Johnson himself says about his "mistake" in training: "I wasn't thinking, I was reacting." The Sarge's job is to give Johnson a new set of reactions, and it's by following those that Johnson can redeem himself. (And I did consider something more along the lines of what you suggest at first, but I couldn't make it work. Phillips goes down for real, and Johnson leaves him to save the civvie--it follows pretty well from the training setup, but I never figured a way to give it any dramatic potential. Alex's idea of one of them having to take the other out is probably the best idea I've seen along those lines, but it never crossed my mind.)

Noel, the reason I didn't give much beyond attire and age was that I didn't think anything else mattered. Black, white, Asian, Arab, Persian, whatever--the fact that they're young grunts is the important thing. Given that it's SF, now that I think of it, even the question of "male or female" doesn't even matter.

Thank you both for reading. :)
 
First, the idea and story are excellent. The amount of dialog seemed too much. Maybe break it up with some action. His mistake in the training scenario was highlighted in the first part there, and with no time for another training run, the next time he is tested is in a live environment. Maybe showing a bit more of "does he heed the lesson from the day before or will he still fall into his previous training instincts" would make his decision in the end more powerful. Not sure, I could be way off. I need to care more about that man, though. I need something to make me feel something when he fires that shot, hurt that he had to go, but pride that he had the guts to do what he knew was necessary for the greater good.

Great story. :beer:
 
Great story...kinda pictured a bit of "Predator" in the scenes...I am still a little confused about the Faniki...I would have liked a little more illustration on their purpose.....the dramatic last shot was definitely a great touch! Overall a great read...very entertaining!
 
thartley--I see what you mean. I was hoping to have just what you mentioned there already, but I admit it could use some more work.

agalla--I certainly took some inspiration from the Predators. :) Particularly in the aspect of the high-tech/low-tech mixture.

Thanks for reading.
 
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